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nice guys?

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Kinme
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17 Jul 2012, 2:16 pm

AScomposer13413 wrote:
Kinme wrote:
AScomposer13413 wrote:
Kinme wrote:
What do I have to say? I'm the nicest nice guy... ever.


:lmao:


I am too fancy-schmancy to even be commenting here. Oh, and I forgot that gender-wise I'm a chick. *Sigh*...


Hey, it still has some value to it :)


What does? :0



Kjas
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17 Jul 2012, 4:11 pm

rosemund wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
I thought this thread was supposed to be about women sharing their experiences and describing what it is that they think they are attracted to in a guy (and therefore whether they believe they are attracted to nice guys or not). It looked a bit different to the other threads going around. But it seemed to get derailed somewhere on the first page and now we have missed out on a potentially interesting thread. Hrmm.


I've read all the posts in this thread, and it's now boiled down, to what it seems to inevitably boil down to on WP. Over generalizations, based on gender lines that can be blurry at best, and the protestations of self-labeled "nice guys" going off on tangents about how horrible women are to them.

Some of us women happen to like, and date, genuinely nice Men. We're not interested in constantly fightingor being protected or being put on a pedestal. We've also been duped by deceitful, manipulative individuals, often in the guise of "nice guys". No One should be mistreated by a person they consider a friend or lover, but it happens. Welcome to the real world, and rather than exhausting yourselves by pointing your fingers at us horrible women, maybe you should perform a little more self-analysis and figure out that possibly it's not the fact you're a "nice guy" that's getting you deprived of the love and affection you crave. Maybe it's because you're coming across as sanctimonious and a woman-hater (here at least).


+1

I don't like drama or fighting - you can be passionate and / or sort things out in a mature manner, it doesn't have to disolve into an ego battle. Nor do I like the pedestal thing, and as I said before the protection thing is part of being a decent human being when necessary.

Despite having a crazy ex with NPD who was an absolutely horrible person who was a "nice guy"™, you don't see me walking around judging all men on the basis of what he did. He was the odd one out amongst the guys I have dated, the others have been lovely.

I'm kind of sick of the "nice guy" VS. "bad boy" discussion that goes on around here. There is a middle ground, people and it's called moderation. Most of us women go for guys in that middle ground because they often have a large percentage of the positive traits of both, without the downsides of either.


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minotaurheadcheese
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17 Jul 2012, 4:20 pm

Kjas wrote:
I'm kind of sick of the "nice guy" VS. "bad boy" discussion that goes on around here. There is a middle ground, people and it's called moderation. Most of us women go for guys in that middle ground because they often have a large percentage of the positive traits of both, without the downsides of either.


You hit the nail on the head, IMO.

A lot of people, and not only on this forum but in general, seem to slip into treating the opposite sex as archetypes. They have trouble acknowledging that any given individual almost certainly has both "nice" and "jerk" traits and might not be easily classified. It's simpler to file people in neat little boxes and dismiss them than it is to accept that the good and bad traits are inseparable and that the only realistic hope is to find a partner whose positive traits are ones that excite you personally, and whose downsides are ones you can live with. We all hope to find that ideal someone who is exactly our "type" and isn't hiding any unattractive qualities, but that's not really how relationships work out. There is no ultimate "nice guy" or woman waiting out there undiscovered, but neither is everyone of either gender irretrievably flawed. There are just people with various degrees and types of flaws, and although it's a cliche, one person's trash is another person's treasure.


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rosemund
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17 Jul 2012, 4:20 pm

Kjas wrote:

+1

I don't like drama or fighting - you can be passionate and / or sort things out in a mature manner, it doesn't have to disolve into an ego battle. Nor do I like the pedestal thing, and as I said before the protection thing is part of being a decent human being when necessary.

Despite having a crazy ex with NPD who was an absolutely horrible person who was a "nice guy"™, you don't see me walking around judging all men on the basis of what he did. He was the odd one out amongst the guys I have dated, the others have been lovely.

I'm kind of sick of the "nice guy" VS. "bad boy" discussion that goes on around here. There is a middle ground, people and it's called moderation. Most of us women go for guys in that middle ground because they often have a large percentage of the positive traits of both, without the downsides of either.


Well said.



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17 Jul 2012, 4:44 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
HisDivineMajesty wrote:
Kjas wrote:
They have two choices, either behave like a lady, in which case she will be treated like one, or take care of herself.


That's one more choice than men have.

wrong. men have the same choice. some men like to be taken care of by a woman, or they stay at home with their parents.

(not the only reason men live at home obviously, but it is one reason some do)
I am more of a mutual person I want to equally take care of the woman while she takes care of me. I guess Im weird. :roll: Equal comfort and equal emotional support.


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17 Jul 2012, 6:02 pm

minotaurheadcheese wrote:
Kjas wrote:
I'm kind of sick of the "nice guy" VS. "bad boy" discussion that goes on around here. There is a middle ground, people and it's called moderation. Most of us women go for guys in that middle ground because they often have a large percentage of the positive traits of both, without the downsides of either.


You hit the nail on the head, IMO.

A lot of people, and not only on this forum but in general, seem to slip into treating the opposite sex as archetypes. They have trouble acknowledging that any given individual almost certainly has both "nice" and "jerk" traits and might not be easily classified. It's simpler to file people in neat little boxes and dismiss them than it is to accept that the good and bad traits are inseparable and that the only realistic hope is to find a partner whose positive traits are ones that excite you personally, and whose downsides are ones you can live with. We all hope to find that ideal someone who is exactly our "type" and isn't hiding any unattractive qualities, but that's not really how relationships work out. There is no ultimate "nice guy" or woman waiting out there undiscovered, but neither is everyone of either gender irretrievably flawed. There are just people with various degrees and types of flaws, and although it's a cliche, one person's trash is another person's treasure.


Problem is that labeling things and organizing them is basic human nature. Everyone does it. Our brain works only that way. The key is what we as individuals do in our own labeling and how we take others labeling.



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17 Jul 2012, 6:08 pm

AspieOtaku wrote:
I am more of a mutual person I want to equally take care of the woman while she takes care of me. I guess Im weird. :roll: Equal comfort and equal emotional support.


wow, soo weird :roll:
liking your style here


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17 Jul 2012, 7:56 pm

MXH wrote:

Problem is that labeling things and organizing them is basic human nature. Everyone does it. Our brain works only that way. The key is what we as individuals do in our own labeling and how we take others labeling.


Dogmatically clinging to sex-specific dichotomous stereotypes, (if not this, then that),
to the detriment of one's personal growth and understanding of the opposite sex,
is not "basic human nature".

It's a symptom of the black-and-white "extreme" thinking that so often accompanies Autism.


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17 Jul 2012, 8:00 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
MXH wrote:

Problem is that labeling things and organizing them is basic human nature. Everyone does it. Our brain works only that way. The key is what we as individuals do in our own labeling and how we take others labeling.


Dogmatically clinging to sex-specific dichotomous stereotypes, (if not this, then that),
to the detriment of one's personal growth and understanding of the opposite sex,
is not "basic human nature".

It's a symptom of the black-and-white "extreme" thinking that so often accompanies Autism.


lol. considering you took my explanation in a black or white level of thought ill let you think about it longer.



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17 Jul 2012, 8:08 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
It's a symptom of the black-and-white "extreme" thinking that so often accompanies Autism.


But not in your specific case, and you should thank the world for making you the only person qualified and able to see its flaws.



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17 Jul 2012, 8:09 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
MXH wrote:

Problem is that labeling things and organizing them is basic human nature. Everyone does it. Our brain works only that way. The key is what we as individuals do in our own labeling and how we take others labeling.


Dogmatically clinging to sex-specific dichotomous stereotypes, (if not this, then that),
to the detriment of one's personal growth and understanding of the opposite sex,
is not "basic human nature".

It's a symptom of the black-and-white "extreme" thinking that so often accompanies Autism.


It also often accompanies political parties, business practices, religion, any organized group of people. So it may not be "basic human nature" but since the first records of history humans in general have been very fond of Black-and-white "extreme" thinking.


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17 Jul 2012, 8:30 pm

MXH wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
MXH wrote:

Problem is that labeling things and organizing them is basic human nature. Everyone does it. Our brain works only that way. The key is what we as individuals do in our own labeling and how we take others labeling.


Dogmatically clinging to sex-specific dichotomous stereotypes, (if not this, then that),
to the detriment of one's personal growth and understanding of the opposite sex,
is not "basic human nature".

It's a symptom of the black-and-white "extreme" thinking that so often accompanies Autism.


lol. considering you took my explanation in a black or white level of thought ill let you think about it longer.


We weren't talking about "labelling and organizing things", sweetheart.

It's okay- climb right back up there.


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17 Jul 2012, 8:35 pm

HisDivineMajesty wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
It's a symptom of the black-and-white "extreme" thinking that so often accompanies Autism.


But not in your specific case, and you should thank the world for making you the only person qualified and able to see its flaws.


Oh, my own black and white thinking that I battle every day is most definitely part of my Autism.
I've just now got so that I can set the thermostat on a temperature that's not a multiple of five.

And the people "able to see the flaws" of this type of thought process are actually in the majority-
are you saying it doesn't inherently lend itself to dysfunction?


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17 Jul 2012, 8:53 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
Oh, my own black and white thinking that I battle every day is most definitely part of my Autism.
I've just now got so that I can set the thermostat on a temperature that's not a multiple of five.


That's not part of anyone's autism. It's part of the authentic human experience. Along with hating several teachers in secondary school, being annoyed by traffic jams on your way to work, complaining about the price of fuel, feeling creeped out when you're alone in a subway station late at night waiting for the last train and a deranged homeless man starts demanding money, deciding to accept the price of fuel again after that incident, and death.

The right temperature for a thermostat is room temperature until room temperature is reached, and preferably automatic sensors and updates when the actual temperature changes so the heating system can start heating to the right temperature again. Alternatively, put on a sweater and drink some liquor. That doesn't involve nearly as much fiddling with buttons and hoping you don't kill the central heating.



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17 Jul 2012, 9:18 pm

HisDivineMajesty wrote:
That's not part of anyone's autism. It's part of the authentic human experience.


So you're saying you don't believe Aspies tend to struggle with it in particular, contrary to popular understanding clinically and anecdotally?


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17 Jul 2012, 9:21 pm

HisDivineMajesty wrote:

The right temperature for a thermostat is room temperature until room temperature is reached, and preferably automatic sensors and updates when the actual temperature changes so the heating system can start heating to the right temperature again. Alternatively, put on a sweater and drink some liquor. That doesn't involve nearly as much fiddling with buttons and hoping you don't kill the central heating.


A room is ALWAYS at "room temperature", since that's definitional.

Also definitional, as part of Asperger's:

(II) Restricted repetitive & stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

(A) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(B) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
(C) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g. hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
(D) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects


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They talk and vote as they are directed by Some Man of Property, who has attached their Minds
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