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20 and still no boyfriend. What is the problem?

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Greb
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27 Sep 2012, 1:53 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
To be honest I've never even considered my height to be a problem. The average male height here is about 1.81, females 1,69. I see lots of 'shorter' women (1,60-1,65) walking down the street here with average or taller (and of course shorter) men everyday. Plus, I wear heals a lot of the time, which gives me some extra inches. Losing some weight might help, I will start excerzing more. I get quit alot of compliments about my hair and the way I dress so I don't really know if I should change that.
And, I do think I'm noticable... Even though I'm not 'tall'.

By the way: you say your friend had a haircut and all that. Would you, if you were 'objective', say she is 'physically attractive' now that she had all that done? just a question from curiosit...


She's not a beauty but she's neither ugly. It's not a woman men keep staring at, neither in a positive way nor in a negative one. Her 'physical attractive' level would be standard.

Her main problem is her attitude. She's not insecure, but she's very negative and, well, a 'bit' neurotic.

The issue is: there's not general rules. Each person is different. Insecurity and lack of self-confidence is a lovekiller. But it's not the only one. If you have been told that you transmit insecurity, this is something you absolutelly must work. However, that doesn't mean that this is gonna fix everything. There could be more problems: physical attraction or weight could be another one, but without a picture is difficult to say.

If you want to know if you look attractive, make a profile in a dating site with your picture. According to the numer of people that write you, you can have some idea about how attractive men find your image. So you can know if you must or you must not work on it.

Cafeaulait wrote:
Well, there is something 'awkward' about me I think. And I guess people notice it from the minute a make contact. I think that's it. But maybe that's an aspie-typical thing...

by the way I don't know if I have aspergers or that i'm just really really socially anxious/withdrawn. haven't been diagnosed or anything. but there is something wrong either way


I would recommend you: make this 'awkward' thing part of your attraction. 'Different' can be freaking or interesting. Think how you can make your difference something attractive. Use what you have.

BanjoGirl wrote:
It depends of the country, here where I live, "petite" women are considered top-noch, women whose height is 1.55-1.60 and have a cute face always have suitors.

If you are 1.70 or more you are not that noticeable.


Strange, at least for me... which part of the world is that? Asia?



Cafeaulait
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27 Sep 2012, 3:08 am

Lol @ the whole height thing.

As far as as I know, women in general prefer men taller than them, and men prefer women shorter than them. That doesn't mean all men like women that are 1.40 and all women like men of 2,20 and up.

Here are some articles you might be interested in
http://thesexualevolutionofhumans.blogs ... th-it.html
http://ayahajime.hubpages.com/hub/Tall- ... hort-Women

I think height isn't everything. Id still rather rather date a handsome man than a tall man. And I think that goes for a lot of women ;)



Cafeaulait
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27 Sep 2012, 3:10 am

BlueMax wrote:
Solvejg wrote:
BlueMax wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
OK, let's suppose that I am super duper ugly. Like... hideous. What should I do now? I'm waiting for your advice.
Because I still want to have a boyfriend.


Find someone who looks like you. That my sound oversimplistic but I see it all the time, especially with fellow men. They're dumpy and/or homely and/or overweight but they want some skinny blonde. NOT going to happen - nor would it be a healthy relationship if it did due to imbalance.

Of course, we don't know if you're attractive or not because of your refusal to show it. Once shown, it's purely subjective - people like different things.


My boyfriend is morbidly obese, a lot older then me and greying and i am a very tall skinny blonde. Attraction is in the eye of the beholder and I think my boyfriend is the most attractive man i have ever seen.

Image


lol why?



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27 Sep 2012, 3:23 am

You should probably do the approaching maybe they are shy.


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27 Sep 2012, 4:15 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
Stalk wrote:
Do you think that Beyonce is an 8 without make up? My apologies for probably going to come off as ignorant imbecile here, but do you think your ethnic also plays a role in your society? Like someone has mentioned that people in general go for somebody that is similar to their appearance, but if your ethnic is different to the majority around you (I'm guessing here). Do you think that does not play a role + your social awkwardness?

I think Beyonce is attractive on tv shows, where she gets to wear all the make-up and clothes, but without it, she is pretty much bland/ordinary nothing special.

I also get into the fear/flight mode when I'm trying to ask someone out. I'm in the same boat as you.


I dont know if Beyonce is a 10 without make up. I dont know if Christina Hendriks is a 10 without make up. Or Megan Fox. (they're probably not, because that goes for basically all celebs out there). But what does that matter to this? I was looking for bodyshapes to kind of compare to. My boobs are actually bigger than Beyonces so maybe shes not the right person to compare too. i'm probably more like christina hendriks proportion wise.

and about the ehtnicity. ehm.. don't really know. people have told me that i look 'exotic' or 'different' because i have light brown hair, green eyes and a little bit of freckles, which seems to be a strange combination. but i don't really see how that plays a role. there are plenty of different population groups here.

So people tell you you look exotic, and you get quite a lot of compliments on your hair and clothes...is this from exclusively females or something? Because otherwise it's starting to seem like you DO get approached by men.
Is this thread just some mindless self indulgence or what? It seems your refuting every single suggestion or speculation anyway so I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve out of all of this except a lot of attention.



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27 Sep 2012, 5:47 am

Lol 8 pages and you still haven't figured it out? What are you doing, throwing darts at the guys who show you interest?

But seriously, you are probably completely overthinking this. That's what aspies are best at :D



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27 Sep 2012, 6:02 am

periphery wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
Stalk wrote:
Do you think that Beyonce is an 8 without make up? My apologies for probably going to come off as ignorant imbecile here, but do you think your ethnic also plays a role in your society? Like someone has mentioned that people in general go for somebody that is similar to their appearance, but if your ethnic is different to the majority around you (I'm guessing here). Do you think that does not play a role + your social awkwardness?

I think Beyonce is attractive on tv shows, where she gets to wear all the make-up and clothes, but without it, she is pretty much bland/ordinary nothing special.

I also get into the fear/flight mode when I'm trying to ask someone out. I'm in the same boat as you.


I dont know if Beyonce is a 10 without make up. I dont know if Christina Hendriks is a 10 without make up. Or Megan Fox. (they're probably not, because that goes for basically all celebs out there). But what does that matter to this? I was looking for bodyshapes to kind of compare to. My boobs are actually bigger than Beyonces so maybe shes not the right person to compare too. i'm probably more like christina hendriks proportion wise.

and about the ehtnicity. ehm.. don't really know. people have told me that i look 'exotic' or 'different' because i have light brown hair, green eyes and a little bit of freckles, which seems to be a strange combination. but i don't really see how that plays a role. there are plenty of different population groups here.

So people tell you you look exotic, and you get quite a lot of compliments on your hair and clothes...is this from exclusively females or something? Because otherwise it's starting to seem like you DO get approached by men.
Is this thread just some mindless self indulgence or what? It seems your refuting every single suggestion or speculation anyway so I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve out of all of this except a lot of attention.


Ehrm, if you read through the topic you can see that I've already taken quite some suggestions into account (such as losing a little weight, body language, not being 'too nice' all the time, working on my self esteem and more) so I dont even understand where your comment "It seems your refuting every single suggestion or speculation anyway" comes from. It doesn't mean I can't have more tips/suggestions from more people.
And the compliments about my hair and clothes come mostly from females, yes. (my hair sometimes from guyfriends too).
But then again I don't really know how much and where the 'normal'/'average' woman gets approached. This sounds weird but I don't really know what 'approaching' is/how that happens i guess...



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27 Sep 2012, 6:13 am

Palindrome5 wrote:
Lol 8 pages and you still haven't figured it out? What are you doing, throwing darts at the guys who show you interest?

But seriously, you are probably completely overthinking this. That's what aspies are best at :D


Yeah I always do that. I always carry darts with me -and a knife too- just in case. Especially at night when I have to go home or
get somewhere alone. You know, just to be safe :) Just in case a guy all of a sudden starts talking to me. I mean, you never know...

I always overthink everything. I hate it. But maybe I should in this case (??) because I am afraid nothing will change if I don't. People always say that you shouldn't look for love, and that it just 'comes' to you.. But i don't want to still be single in like... 10 years :(
especially since i see a lot of my high school friends getting boyfriends now (i guess they were 'late' as well, they had their first bf at 19/20).



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27 Sep 2012, 6:36 am

Greb wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
To be honest I've never even considered my height to be a problem. The average male height here is about 1.81, females 1,69. I see lots of 'shorter' women (1,60-1,65) walking down the street here with average or taller (and of course shorter) men everyday. Plus, I wear heals a lot of the time, which gives me some extra inches. Losing some weight might help, I will start excerzing more. I get quit alot of compliments about my hair and the way I dress so I don't really know if I should change that.
And, I do think I'm noticable... Even though I'm not 'tall'.

By the way: you say your friend had a haircut and all that. Would you, if you were 'objective', say she is 'physically attractive' now that she had all that done? just a question from curiosit...


She's not a beauty but she's neither ugly. It's not a woman men keep staring at, neither in a positive way nor in a negative one. Her 'physical attractive' level would be standard.

Her main problem is her attitude. She's not insecure, but she's very negative and, well, a 'bit' neurotic.

The issue is: there's not general rules. Each person is different. Insecurity and lack of self-confidence is a lovekiller. But it's not the only one. If you have been told that you transmit insecurity, this is something you absolutelly must work. However, that doesn't mean that this is gonna fix everything. There could be more problems: physical attraction or weight could be another one, but without a picture is difficult to say.

If you want to know if you look attractive, make a profile in a dating site with your picture. According to the numer of people that write you, you can have some idea about how attractive men find your image. So you can know if you must or you must not work on it.

Cafeaulait wrote:
Well, there is something 'awkward' about me I think. And I guess people notice it from the minute a make contact. I think that's it. But maybe that's an aspie-typical thing...

by the way I don't know if I have aspergers or that i'm just really really socially anxious/withdrawn. haven't been diagnosed or anything. but there is something wrong either way


I would recommend you: make this 'awkward' thing part of your attraction. 'Different' can be freaking or interesting. Think how you can make your difference something attractive. Use what you have.

BanjoGirl wrote:
It depends of the country, here where I live, "petite" women are considered top-noch, women whose height is 1.55-1.60 and have a cute face always have suitors.

If you are 1.70 or more you are not that noticeable.


Strange, at least for me... which part of the world is that? Asia?


OK, so she comes of as negative/pessimistic. Now I am thinking if I might come of as negative as well.
Like yesterday, i was talking to a french guy, and he said: 'so you are flemish?' 'well your french is really good'.
And than i said: 'MY french? well thank you. i think my french is pretty bad actually...' (and then he was like: 'no, we can understand eachother, right, blablabla)
Would you say that is negative or something i should not say?
Is that friend of yours an aspie too btw?

"Think how you can make your difference something attractive".
Yes I will think about that. how can i make my aspiness attractive



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27 Sep 2012, 7:21 am

IrishTusk wrote:
b9 wrote:
i have always considered humans as dressed up apes.
i do not dislike apes, but i am not one of them. i am not better or worse i know, i am just not one of them.


. . . So what are you then? A Pixie? Frog? Genetic throwback? Dr Zaius?

i am an environmental robot of the "B" class and in am the ninth and final model in that series.



Greb
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29 Sep 2012, 12:26 pm

Cafeaulait wrote:
OK, so she comes of as negative/pessimistic. Now I am thinking if I might come of as negative as well.
Like yesterday, i was talking to a french guy, and he said: 'so you are flemish?' 'well your french is really good'.
And than i said: 'MY french? well thank you. i think my french is pretty bad actually...' (and then he was like: 'no, we can understand eachother, right, blablabla)
Would you say that is negative or something i should not say?
Is that friend of yours an aspie too btw?

"Think how you can make your difference something attractive".
Yes I will think about that. how can i make my aspiness attractive


Sorry for the delay. Het spij me.

Well, saying 'my french is not that good' doesn't look so negative. But I'm not the best judge for that... I have this 'aspie stuff' for what I'm quite honest, either for good and bad. It wouldn't be the first time I have answered to compliments with something like 'You did it very well' 'Yes, I know', or the opposite 'You did it very well' "Nope, I didn't, you're wrong' :D

I would say that you're being honest with your french level -though probably you're comparing yourself with people that can speak perfect french-. The issue is not if you're negative, but if you can be perceived as negative. And yes, you can. It's not a big deal, but it's something to care about -just a bit, not big deal-.

With regard to 'how to make aspiness attractive', well, be aware that aspiness is perceived as 'strange' or 'outlandish'. So the question is 'how you can make your 'strangeness' attractive?'. For that you must think which kind of things -that are considered attractive- fit with it. For example, 'mystery' fits very well with 'strangeness' and works very well for women. In my case, another example, I discovered that a kind of 'deadpan ironic humour' worked very well for me. (A friend of me told me once 'you flirt kidding women, but what amazes me is that it works'). If you can't avoid make this 'strange' impression, then someway you have to build a kind of 'performance' -subtly, without exaggeration- around it.



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29 Sep 2012, 12:41 pm

b9 wrote:
IrishTusk wrote:
b9 wrote:
i have always considered humans as dressed up apes.
i do not dislike apes, but i am not one of them. i am not better or worse i know, i am just not one of them.


. . . So what are you then? A Pixie? Frog? Genetic throwback? Dr Zaius?

i am an environmental robot of the "B" class and in am the ninth and final model in that series.


And I am a giant rotten head in a jar, beat that, robot!



WantToHaveALife
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01 Oct 2012, 3:25 pm

be glad you don't have to do the approaching



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01 Oct 2012, 3:59 pm

Cafeaulait wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
Put your photo up and i'll tell you.


Uhm, no. This is a public forum and I don't want people messing around with my photo, and besides I want my details to stay private. :wink: Besides, plenty of 'not so good looking' girls having relationships. (And besides: beauty is in the eye of the beholder).
then you wont get an accurate answer. you are most likely ugly(not trying to be rude just trying to help you)


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01 Oct 2012, 4:14 pm

wtfid2 wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
Put your photo up and i'll tell you.


Uhm, no. This is a public forum and I don't want people messing around with my photo, and besides I want my details to stay private. :wink: Besides, plenty of 'not so good looking' girls having relationships. (And besides: beauty is in the eye of the beholder).
then you wont get an accurate answer. you are most likely ugly(not trying to be rude just trying to help you)


Maybe not, maybe something else putting off her looks (ie poor fashion sense, bad haircut...etc).

Girls in general (have this flexibility much more than guys) can turn from totally unattractive to sexy goddesses with some tweakings.



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02 Oct 2012, 8:29 am

Being a 20 year old female with no boyfriend, eh?

Try most dudes here who are approaching 30 with no relationships in their lives.

Sorry for being harsh, but I recall this one girl who told me she didn't want to be a virgin at 20...and your thread is kind of the same in terms of being X age and not doing x thing at the moment.


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