Living with parents kind of puts the kibosh on dating?

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I think its unlikely that a brass nuckle owner was ever going to get an office job anyway

It would not be a deal breaker but he cannot be a man child who exists in a perpetual state of adolescence and spends his days playing video games, watching anime, and letting his mother do his laundry.

My cousin lived at home until he was 33 to save money but worked full time at a good job and later moved out.

I’m not entirely joking.

There seems to be this mentality among boys that they are entitled to anything with a vagina. If that’s how a boy chooses to approach me on my property where it concerns my daughter, I have no problem having her mother call 911 to report a possible intruder while I double-check my ammo. The law is on my side with this.

Speaking of which—there are two people in this house who have worked closely with lawyers before. There are all kinds of fun legal tricks.

For instance: if my below-consent teenager gets butthurt with us for not letting her go out with her crackhead bf and runs away while he’s waiting in his car in the driveway, as far as I’m concerned she’s a victim of kidnapping and statutory rape. We call in the license plate, car make/model, get an arrest warrant, and he’s stuck with registering as a sex offender for the rest of his life after he gets out of prison in 20 years and she never gets to see him again.

Seriously, this is not the path you take.

Something you’re overlooking is you can not underestimate the relationship children have with their parents. First off, many parents fail in that they never realize how much real power they have. And that leads a lot of boys to assume they can have any girl within their reach. We feel no such obligation to let our kids do whatever they want without boundaries, so basically what we do is help them understand how to focus on what is most important at any given point in life. Second, it’s easy to underestimate the potential for closeness between parents and children. We are VERY tight. We are also very open on what life is like “out there.” We tell our kids not to just take our word for it. We SHOW them. Drug and alcohol addicts. Single mothers. Homeless people with mental problems, addictions, diseases, or aged out of a failing foster care system. Crooked politicians. Criminals who either stand against police or run. Victims of domestic violence, usually women, unable to escape hellish relationships. Men and women trapped in a cycle of student debt because they spent too much time on their social lives to bother with making passing grades. Young professionals who bought too much house and mortgaged against too much risk and partied too hard to have a successful business. We show them the mistakes. We show them the girls who wear inappropriate clothes and the boys who refuse to respect them and take that as an invitation. We show them the families going through ugly divorce proceedings or worse. We ask our kids what mistakes they are making, and our young children can spot the mistakes every single time. They KNOW what that’s like and do not want the lives they see being played out by other people every day.

And because we keep them safe and every now and then reward them not for their great behavior but because we feel we’ve been blessed with good lives and want to share with them, and because we SHOW them we love and care about them, and we LISTEN to them and in every way we can we treat them like adults in training, and I haven’t even TOUCHED the spiritual component, we have cultivated relationships that foster mutual affection that remains unshaken. And WILL REMAIN unshaken.

People who know us IRL keep saying we’re doing everything right. I disagree. I think our kids want better for themselves than what they see from other kids and families. I think they expect more. And I think they have more concern for the wisdom and attention they can gain from older people, i.e. people who really are important and wield real power, than the immature foolishness of their peers.

It’s just so important to understand this because young people start out wanting to BE their parents. When there’s no instruction, no boundaries, no safety, no future security, they notice and will tend to feel resentful.

You could have done everything PERFECTLY and your kids will hate you anyway. I know that. But I’d rather pick the best path for success rather than set them up for risk.

One last thing: Culture. Boys in the south tend to be tough and aggressive and competitive when it comes to sex and girls. It’s all a sport to them. Southern parents do not keep their kids on short leashes, but they do tend to parent with “because I said so” kind of logic. When I was in New York, I was amazed with how hands-off parents could be, and yet families tended to be very close-knit. Part of my thinking is how to reconcile this dynamic with a desire to pass on our values. My daughter is already showing that she is highly teachable and has big-time leadership potential. If I’m cooking, I can’t be in the kitchen two minutes before she comes in wanting to take over. I handle things she lacks the physical strength for. But she kneaded pizza dough without my help last night. She makes crescent rolls after I mix the ingredients, and I only minimally assisted. She cooks breakfast, scrambles eggs. Not a big deal, but she WANTS to do it and enjoys it. She can’t figure out whether she wants to teach pre-K or open a restaurant. But she shows initiative and has a great way with people.

I will NOT stand for anything or anyone screwing that up for her.

your daughter dates crackheads? color me not suprised

Lovely straw man. I see what you did there.

She’s 9 years old. We’re talking about decisions a teenager might hypothetically make. We prefer to keep things simple. If the culture is incapable of steering teenagers in the best direction, then we as parents are under no obligation to allow our teenagers to make those decisions. As long as our kids are in school, they are not allowed to date.

We will not financially support them in college if they are dating/partying/socializing or doing anything we cannot in good conscience support. If they can make it without us, then exactly what can we as parents do about it exactly? And what do they want to do with us anyway? If she insists on dating a crackhead, what exactly CAN we do to stop it? Our obligations end when they turn 18, and we legally have very little hold on them beyond that.

BUT...

If they are still financially dependent on us and we dislike their decisions, we are under no obligation to support them and maintain a degree of control. If we give them a car for college and they’re flunking out, it’s technically still OUR car. We’ll just take it back and leave them stranded. If our money is going towards alcohol, we’ll stop paying college tuition and let the school throw them out on the street. If they want to choose that path, they are free to do so. But they are also free to choose better paths.

It’s the better path we’re counting on. I’m not worried about it.

As long as my (hypothetical) child maintains decent grades, I wouldn’t object to he/she socializing—as long as he/she is not drinking or doing drugs.

No. A respectable engagement ring is enough. It’s the status that counts, and I’ve already detailed what I mean by that.

However...

I wouldn’t outright refuse the livestock. Not enough room on my 1 acre. I have more land elsewhere, but I can’t take care of it on my own just yet. Mom lives there and stepfather has a life estate in it, so for the moment I’m screwed. I’m not looking to change that just yet. But it’s plenty enough for 20 head. Goats are a bit more difficult to maintain from what I’ve seen. I dunno, depends on the goats? What would I do with them? I’d think milk and cheese would be the way to go, but then fiber is good, too.

I dunno, Mississippi has extremely hot seasons from spring through fall, so farming goat hair is probably out of the question.

Meh...

So the exact numbers of cattle and goats...religious reference? I can’t remember the OT bride price or whether livestock were considered a good trade. Is that a Quran reference or something?

It’s not socializing or drinking per se that offends me. It’s making those things the priority when what we’re paying for is learning, experience, and practice.

My thinking, also, is if my children CAN juggle all those things without my financial support, they’re doing exceptionally well and will be fiercely independent and motivated after graduation. I won’t count it a TOTAL success as a parent. But, look, smart, tough, driven kids who take charge? What parent really COMPLAINS about that?

AngelRho, just curious - have you seen any of your kids through puberty yet?

Things got really weird with ours in their teen years. You seem to have most of the answers, but life can throw a wrench in the works.

My oldest has just hit the calm before the storm. He’ll do just fine though. It’s hitting him hard the same way it hit me.

It’s weird. It’s like when they were 3 years old, they were little demons. So I gave them pain and terror in equal or greater amounts until they became cute and cuddly again. So now it’s like, what HAPPENED? It’s not full-on puberty, but this is how it begins.

It’s very, very subtle. You almost don’t see it. And I know what’s going on. You handle it in a similar way, except spanking doesn’t work at this age. You still discipline the body by challenging it and helping it become strong. That helps deal with hormones and growth. They don’t have time to be pissed at you. So when they are physically empty, you support them emotionally. Just like that 2-3 year old phase. In principle, it’s no different than when you’d read stories to them or hang out until they fall asleep.

I have to give an eye roll when people ask me if they’ve hit puberty and what I expect to do when ____. I teach middle and high school. I know the age and how to deal with them. I’ve been at this for going on 9 years now. Much of my parenting has been about seeing things before they happen and heading off one developmental crisis after another.

Now, I know teaching school and parenting aren’t the same because at the end of the day other kids are their parents’ problems. However, gaining the insight I’ve had has been helpful. Most kids really do WANT to respect their parents. Most kids WANT to love their parents. Most kids WANT parental approval. And most want the best for their parents’ well-being. If I’ve seen the worst that puberty has to offer over the 9 years I’ve been teaching OTHER people’s kids, I’m sure I’ll do just fine in next few years to come!

So...from experience as a parent, I can say by the time I have had three children, not much really surprises me anymore. Puberty is not this giant breaker switch that transforms kids into violent, angry, vicious little beasts. It’s a day-by-day thing, same as infancy to toddler and just past that. What are the needs TODAY? What do I have to deal with TODAY? How do we handle this EVERY SINGLE TIME it happens again? How do we stop THIS? How do we get more of THIS?

Sneaking out won’t be an issue. We already know how we’ll handle that. If we’ve done our jobs up to that point, we’ll never have to worry how to deal with it in the first place. Boyfriends, girlfriends, alcohol, whatever... they know where we stand and what the consequences are. More importantly, they know things will be better for them the more they do what is right.

Well, you are better positioned than I was, not having much experience with kids that age.

My son developed enormous anger, much of it directed (undeservedly) at me, which I found out much later was fed by my passive aggressive ex. My daughter turned her anger in on herself. We consulted professionals but it was of little benefit.

As they go out on their own, the mistakes they can make are much more serious than before. Both of them finally figured things out, but it was stressful for everyone.

Was he serious about hitting you with that or was he joking?

Wow! If I were your daughter, I'd commit suicide hard and fast. I'd do it in a messy way too, for a bigger emotional impact on people. Anything is better than living in the AngelRho Maximum Security Prison. Even eternal hellfire.

So, you're offering your daughter's company/marriage to a man in exchange for an item of value. Real nice.

He sounded angry when he did it, and had a creepy look in his eyes too. I'm pretty sure he was just trying to bully me, and went about it in a foolish way. I have no regrets about getting him arrested.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 22 Jul 2018, 2:20 am, edited 3 times in total.

Yay another bash lonely loser aspie men thread.

I am curious, how did the common friend react to this?

That won't be a problem. If her father's kept her locked up in an ivory tower, in complete social isolation, of course she'll be a virgin.