Nice guys REALLY DO finish last.

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JNathanK
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19 Sep 2012, 8:42 pm

mds_02 wrote:

rabbittss wrote:

As I said before, NOTHING except success will remove bitterness.

But that's just not true. Not for everyone, anyway. Sorry, but I've been in that position. Years of failure to connect with women. Then, once I thought I'd found someone, being used for money and cheated on repeatedly. Then years more of being alone and bitter and angry and carrying a huge grudge against all womankind. And though, like you, I didn't verbalize my negative thoughts toward them, it was like they could sense the anger coming off me anyway, and they stayed away.

It wasn't until I started thinking of women as, and treating them like, just regular people that I started having any success with them. Not putting them on a pedestal like I had done when I was young. Not blaming all of them for the actions of a relative few, like I had done more recently.

And it's not as though it was easy. It took a long time. What helped for me was finding a new social circle, spending lots of time with women without trying to, or even really thinking about trying to, connect with them on a romantic level. And spending time with new guy friends as well, where I learned that the guys who do well with women are not the a**holes I thought they were. In fact, I found those guys who attracted a lot of women tended to genuinely want to help the guys like me who were less lucky. And, slowly but surely, I started having more and more successes until I got to the point I'm at now; in a healthy happy relationship that I see lasting the rest of my life.

Point is, it wasn't success with women that fixed my mindset. It was fixing my mindset that allowed me some success.

I take inspiration from this

JNathanK
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19 Sep 2012, 8:50 pm

I think the PUA crap is a bunch of BS. i've been reading some of the literature and talking to people in that community, and they seem to be some of the most bitter people I've ever met, even. Even for the ones that do succeed, they're total dorks. I'm starting to just not give a f**k about whether I succeed with women or not. At least if some chicl is a genuine b***h, I have the balls to let them know and am not afraid whether they reject me sexually or not. A PUA, on the other hand. doesn't have this benefit.

Dan_Vincze
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20 Sep 2012, 12:30 am

To the OP, here's my advice. I apologize in advance for any rudeness, but in these cases I often find bluntness is best.
1) "Nice" is kind of a non-complement. Yes, women want their men to be nice to them, and motorists want the car to have wheels. Just being unfailingly polite won't make you attractive. You'll need to develop your other good qualities (whatever those may be) if you want to attract women.
2) "Nice" does not have to mean "doormat." Furthermore:
a) Self-confidence is attractive; a complete lack of confidence is generally unattractive.
b) Fawning over these women makes you look like a suck-up. Nobody likes a suck-up.
3) If you want women to go out with you, you'll have to grow a pair and ask them out. In other words, you have to show your romantic interest in a straightforward way.
a) Find activities and places you enjoy where you can meet people. You'll be more comfortable there and it will show in your performance. If you don't enjoy the club scene (or whatever), don't bother looking there.
b) Take risks. The worst that will happen is five seconds of mild embarrassment.
c) Practice ahead of time if it helps. Get advice from your friends.

AspieOtaku
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21 Sep 2012, 4:13 am

Dan_Vincze wrote:

Or just wait for the woman to ask you out when you arent expecting it, at least that works for me anyway. :lol:

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blue_bean
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21 Sep 2012, 7:24 am

Nice girls date nice guys.

Girls that date douchebags are dating them because they're probably douchebags themselves.

Case closed.

OliveOilMom
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21 Sep 2012, 7:33 am

blue_bean wrote:

Nice girls date nice guys.

Girls that date douchebags are dating them because they're probably douchebags themselves.

Case closed.

Not always. Some girls date douchebags because they have low self esteem and think thats all they can get. Some girls don't think they can hold out for somebody better and they feel like they have to settle, so they do. Thats not always the case but sometimes it is.

Also, just because a guy is a douchebag to some people doesn't mean he is one to everybody. He may be nice to her but a jerk to most other people. Thats not always the case either.

My point is, you can't just put everybody into neat little catagories.

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AspieOtaku
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21 Sep 2012, 1:37 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:

blue_bean wrote:

Nice girls date nice guys.

Girls that date douchebags are dating them because they're probably douchebags themselves.

Case closed.

Its all a matter of trust and self confidence what I have noticed, which is odd is that more women tend to come on to me when I do not pay attention or are fliritng with them or not interested at all but when I do look or act interested they ignore me. Another oddity is that when I am with a woman other women flirt with me more but when I am not with anyone they ignore me or are not interested whatsoever. I may or may not have figured this out but it seems that they want a challenge furthermore if they seem to beable to sense desperation. When I am in the situation a woman is coming on to me at the time I am not thinking about women *for once* I do not notice the cues she is interested right away. I can kinda relate to girls with low self esteem getting with douchebags etc only on the flipside I have had a constant low self esteem and have allowed my self into an abusive relationship after getting out of it It has changed my way of thinking as well as after many years of healing and not trusting people. Also those with low self esteem tend to put others on a pedestool that greatly enables the other to abuse that. Never again will I go that route. I dont think I am going to finish last I am a fairly nice guy and I do good things for others all I need is a nice girl and that is all. Nice guys should get with nice girls case closed.

DialAForAwesome
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21 Sep 2012, 2:43 pm

Even going after nice girls doesn't really work a lot of the time. Depending on the guy anyway.

I made a comment to a friend last year-- that I oughta start going for the mean girls, because they make no bones about being mean. It was a joke at the time, but now that I look back, it seems true for the most part.

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MXH
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21 Sep 2012, 2:51 pm

how is this still an argument? i think its been proven too many times

DialAForAwesome
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21 Sep 2012, 3:31 pm

Beats the hell outta me. It really HAS been proven too many times, and the ones who say "WELL I KNOW NICE GUYS IN RELATIONSHIPS" won't admit that the guy is either lucky, handsome, or normal. Or a combination of two of those, or all three of them.

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OliveOilMom
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21 Sep 2012, 3:40 pm

AspieOtaku wrote:

OliveOilMom wrote:

blue_bean wrote:

Nice girls date nice guys.

Girls that date douchebags are dating them because they're probably douchebags themselves.

Case closed.

The problem with that last sentence is that everybody's definition of "nice" can be different. What one person may think of as nice, another person may think of as boring, or mean, or arrogant or whatever other adjective. Also, what one person may think of as a douchebag, jerk, mean, etc may be what another person thinks of as "nice". So, it's all subjective really. There is no one universal "nice" catagory that people can be put in. Everybody has a different criteria for "nice". So really, I would say that people should get with people that they like, case closed.

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BanjoGirl
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21 Sep 2012, 4:42 pm

I think "luck" is important too.

I know nice guys that have had a lot of good luck. Guys that are very insecure but have their jobs and guys that are very shy but got the girl they wanted.

Same with girls.

When a friend of mine finds love, I always hallucinate how "luck" made the important move. You know, right place right time right person.

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ALguy1957
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21 Sep 2012, 6:03 pm

I have to agree with you about "luck". You never know how many nice people did find a match as they wouldn't be in the forums posting on dating sites if they already have someone!!