How do females respond to 'broken' males?

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i'm sure some people are looking for timid & weak people, but frankly they can't be trusted..
i feel "weak" in that i don't achieve my full potential, but i don't compensate by looking for "weak" individuals, if anything i seek out very strong-willed people & try to "strengthen" myself..

I do not find broken, timid, tentative and weak men attractive at all. I find men who are dominant, strong and stubborn (but not "macho") attractive. But that is just me. I am sure there are plenty of women who would find the type of men you have described attractive.

You've made a valid point. There are people who have issues and know they have issues, they just can't find the solutions to them. I fall into that category. Alot of things have never worked for me and I don't understand why, yet I see them working for others. Perhaps there's no one size fits all solution.

It's very hard to keep going when you have one failure after another and there appears to be no hope. The only thing to do is to perhaps keep trying.

I guess it's down to the individual. Some girls may be interested and others not. I was hoping more females would respond so as to find what the general consensus is. Is it yay or nay? Basically I assume most aspie males will not regard themselves or will not be regarded by others as dominant. No 'alpha male' tendencies. So does that change the females outlook? I guess to some it matters and to others they may find a 'broken' male to have more in common with them, and thus be attracted.

Why would you think a "broken" man would have more in common with a woman?

Say if that assertion is correct, you also seem to be assuming that women will be attracted to those like them. People are not always attracted to people they have a lot in common with. This is not the case for me. "Opposites attract" and all that

i think there are plenty of women who are more than willing to play the role of healer in a relationship, but most need to be shown that the guy is at least trying. the term "broken" tends to denote that he is just utterly hopeless and/or apathetic. i had a girl who i suspect wanted to play this role when she heard that i had quit my first real job, but she quickly backed away once she saw that i was dropping out of school and developing a pretty bad drinking problem as well.

@ OP

Here's what I will suggest - a person is born with enough angles about themselves that they quite literally can't fix. The difference I think between what you'd describe as guy who's thoroughly 'broken' vs. a guy who's functioning well - with flaws - is how the later has been able to make piece with his flaws, find his angles where he can show strengths, have his frailties and own them, and moreso is able to show the world that he sees his frailties as nothing more than normal. The later can even show a wealth of confidence after a while and be very attractive.

It really comes down to 3 things:

1) at base level - chemical health; if your that bent out with severe depression and anxiety to where you can't chisel away at it you have to either a) get medication or b) put in the long and hard work that it will take in order to spend the next 7 to 10 years of your life chipping away at and manually defeating your chemistry. Both ways you need some degree of the later and its both exhausting but rewarding work, as in you'll be here the next 50 or 60 years - living a very unsatisfactory life vs. trying your hardest to make it satisfactory even if its just to palleate your existence - seems like a no-brainer as the first option is true hell.

2) realize that traumas are real, what doesn't kill you quite often does make you weaker. Depression and anxiety induced by trauma as well as all kinds of other neurological damage (you almost never hear of a person who's been physically tortured coming out of it smarter, genius, or more pain resistant) - you have to accept that its an uphill battle and that it is a long road to fix this kind of mental image. Baby steps build on baby steps, the little improvements eventually lead to better treatment by others which lead to more motivation for more self-improvements. After a while if life does throw you a really hard curveball or sucker-punch, you find yourself having a resilience to it that you'd never had when you were being bullied all day and for a reason; you've nursed yourself back to health or at least can see what its like now being maybe 50% to 60% of the way to having the confidence that you want and that you can give to yourself.

3). With what you tell yourself and what you see in yourself, the trick really comes down to normalizing yourself in your own eyes (and all your past struggles), learning to see other people as being more and more like you rather than superior in any broader sense (just conceptually getting it isn't enough - you need to emotionally be there), and for all the forward movements and self-improving that you do; you have to make sure that you're going in a direction that you would truly be happy with. If you see personality traits in other people that you really admire, respect, etc., take those traits on - you may never fully be able to manifest them as they do - we all have different capacities on a myriad of different angles just like you likely surpass them at some things as well - as long as you keep yourself on a very decisive upward spiral in this sense you'll be set. If things break down or you momentarily lapse into old habits; *never* see that as defeat, primarily because defeat is a nonsequiture - if you care about yourself and really want to shed the pains and tribulations of your past it means that you have to want that forward movement badly enough that even being stuck on a sliding plateau for 6 months shouldn't bother you if its the best you can pull at that time; so long as you have the will to start moving upward again when you find the ways, means, or capacities to do so.


As for women who will go for a guy who's emotionally traumatized - I am extremely doubtful, have always had the mindset that until I fixed that about myself I had absolutely no reason to expect to be loved at all as its just not how things work. Even now, I'm about 10 years deep into my own struggle with this, still single, but far more in the direction of choosing to be single and also having the understanding that as I keep on this path better and better doors of opportunity will open, and if I do die single without another substantial relationship - I can say that I'm enjoying an unimagineably better quality of life now than if I had never given it my all or even really suffered sometimes at my own hands in these efforts.

I think this has been stated in a couple different ways already, but everybody is broken somehow. rothbardian3 said it well, though. I need to know someone is at least trying, because that denotes a level of maturity and self-determination. If an initial attraction is there, and the person is making an effort, then I will walk through fire. So, yes, we are out there! I've been burned though, by the broken ones, so, please, please, please, when you find one, cherish her.

"Why would you think a "broken" man would have more in common with a woman?"

With certain women. I'm sure it cannot be that all women find assertive dominating males attractive. Maybe there are women who are 'broken' themselves and thus find it easier to accept such males.


"the term "broken" tends to denote that he is just utterly hopeless and/or apathetic."

I apologize for the lack of a better word. Hence I put the word in inverted commas.

" By broken, I mean guys who probably have a very negative self image and those who are probably to afraid to initiate any type of communication, for fear of rejection and further ridicule. Chaps who have either by assumption or experience found that the world is no place for someone who is tentative, timid and weak."

Try seeing the word through the above explanation. Basically guys too afraid to make things happen.

I am very much a "broken male" as you have defined it, crying and having tantrums in church and how do the women respond? 95% of them ignore me, the rest either think there's something wrong with me and feel obliged to check, or are outcasts themselves. I really need to overcome depression.

mitharetowen, does your ex-husband have Aspergers? He sounds a bit like me, unfortunately. But I don't know how to change

^ I don't know.

But after all the times that he told me how stupid and rediculous my issues were, I'd just love for him to find out that he has them too

mosto, if what I said reminds you of yourself, my suggestion to you would be to take a more active roll in your life. There are some things you can't control but many things you can make happen for you if you just try. In the above example, if my ex-husband had just kept track of how many pills he had and refilled them well before they ran out, there would have been no issue. Instead he expects everyone else to accomidate and make up for his own irresponsibility. It really helps me to keep track of everything I need to do using lists and a day planner type-thing. I rarely forget to do something urgent because I've always got it marked down. I use my PDA type cell phone and set myself alerts that will pop up and remind me to do things. Any time I think of something I need to do, I mark it down. Perhaps something like that will help you? I know I'd likely be rather irresponsible myself if I didn't do this since I tend to be rather scatterbrained. Anyway I'm getting off topic but just thought I'd throw in some advice.

Last edited by mitharatowen on 03 Jun 2009, 11:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

I hope I never get into a relationship where my wife hates me. Then again I am desperate

We still live in a sexist society unfortunately.

Are people simply just 'products' and not 'living' animals after all? That's what it seems like.

Mosto. It is not easy. Unfortunately by the end of the day, it is survival of the fittest (I do not agree with this mentality at all but it exists) especially when it comes to how people react to someone in an awful situation. I am not attacking you at all or intend to hurt you in any way but it is unfortunately a culture of society where one cannot express themselves emotionally in public and people will get freaked out by an outburst in public. I would say they ignore it because they do not know how to handle it and are not used to it. It is wrong I know but true. In terms of how callous people can be, my brother on the way to work would come across people who had fallen over, got injured and people would walk past. I think that is sick and evil personally but i think people are generally very self absorbed and desensitized to care or help. They seem to care when they watch a TV screen though but reality freaks people out. I think it all comes down to being taught 'not to talk to strangers' when you are very young and to keep quiet and not make noise (especially in school).

Now getting back to you I understand what you are going through. Depression is a struggle to get over from my experience. Have you received medical treatment? I have, although medications and psychiatrists have their horrible moments, I am sure everyone will know that. I think you have to find someway to relax, chill out, accept there are weaknesses you cannot do anything about but some you can and you would have strengths obviously. Work on them. Accept you for who you are and what you are not, and nobody can take that away. I think for you and anyone needs to repair themselves in some form before seeking a relationship. Not being insulting but I had to repair myself. Still single but I know what I must do and what I shouldn't do. Its hard I know with all the setbacks, etc but whining and crying will not help me and we all must fight and/or work around these obstacles. By the end of the day, you can only do what you can do - work on that. But sounds like you need some help here whether medical or maybe meditation (I have not done it enough but its a thought.). I hope you get over your depression.