Ex-Wife's Wild Behaviour

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Wow, I haven't read anything recently that made my blood boil this much. It's good to see a little bit of backstory, too.

No.



Yes. But it's also not really your responsibility at all. You're already being responsible for yourself and the kids, and that's what matters most here.



Very likely. In fact, absolutely, if she's saying things like "You made me a whore". That is outright psychological abuse.



Yes and no. See 2.



Absolutely yes.

I want to keep it simple; she's being abusive. I worry about the children in this, and I would seek out professionals to make sure they're not affected by it, especially if they're very sensitive (autistic spectrum kids usually are). I really respect what you're doing here, and the steps you're taking. That email you sent to her is well within bounds and well put.

Kudos to you, good sir.

Im sorry she isn't a good mother.

When the children are under her care coming in and being in no condition to take them to school makes her immature and a poor parent.

Here is my opinion on the situation:

She did that because she knew she could get away with it. She knew she would have you to fall back on if she couldnt take the kids to school.

If there was a babysitter involved this would not happen. If she had half a brain she would know all the resonsibility is on her.

This is the first time that she was unable to take the kids to school, she usually rolls in 3-4AM and fulfills her morning duties satisfactorily.

She said it will "never happen again", so at least she admits that she made a mistake (very rare for her).

I kind of feel obligated to "babysit" because she has the kids on most nights.

If I wanted to go on a date (if I ever manage to actually get a date, that is ) I wouldn't need one, and that seems really unfair to her.

I would consider posting a dating profile. I'm sure there are plenty of single mothers out there who have gone through your exact experiences. Just remember that you're probably best off dating other single parents.

Actually, if she had hired a babysitter, she wouldn't have stayed out all night. Babysitting isn't an open-ended arrangement - you tell a babysitter when you're going to be home - and then you return at the expected time. IMO, she should treat you with at least as much respect as she would anyone she hired.

You are in the middle of a power struggle, whether you know it or not. Her staying out all night - without a phone call - is just so completely rude...but she knew you were going to stay until she was good and ready to come home. If you're willing to watch your children while she goes out (believe me, I understand the desire to spend time with your kids), then establish some limits. I'm assuming you work a Monday-Friday job, so she can't reasonably expect you to sleep on her couch every week night. Just tell her how long you're willing to stay, as in, "I'd love to watch the kids, but you need to be home by 11:00." If that doesn't work for her, tell her to hire a sitter (my guess is that it will magically work for her when she's faced with the inconvenience of finding someone and paying them for their time).

I think the best approach to dealing with a power struggle is to engage as little as possible. Don't let her talk to you about her dates; her "hot" chat sessions; where she's going or what she's up to. Just put together a little form for her to fill out so that you'll have the info you requested in your email before she leaves for each date (the same kind of info any babysitter would be given). If she starts to provide details about her personal life, shut her down. "That's none of my business, and I'm really not comfortable discussing this with you." If she tries to model her underwear for you again, tell her it's inappropriate, and leave the room. Be polite to her, but don't be involved.

And for God's sake, document everything. Your ex-wife sounds like a freaking nightmare, so you may find yourself seeking sole physical custody of the kids some day. (Yes, her behavior is self-destructive, and it's also just plain destructive. Any woman who's out all night with some guy she just met on the internet is not concerned with her own safety and/or health. And she doesn't seem too concerned with modeling good behavior for your kids.) I'm betting right now you're wondering what it was you ever saw in her...I certainly wouldn't set her up with anyone I liked. At least you're out of the marriage. Good luck.

I agree that what this is what the first poster thinks. The one thing all power struggles (or warzones as I have called them) have in common is both (ex) partners blaming everything on the other one.

These people have been together yet the topicstarter makes it look like his ex is a monster. She probably is just a person.The story you would here from her would probably be pretty much the same, only then with HIM being a total monster and her being the victim. The utterance "you made me a whore" illustrated this.

If you read carefully you can see the topicstarter is behaving passively aggressive too, not just the exwife. Its actually quite hard not to feel the suppressed anger from him. The way he talks about a former lover and says he has to suppress remarks sometimes just don't match the concious and rational mentioning of not feeling ANY anger towards her.

This is a powerstruggle in which the one fighter is trying to feel better for his actions by having people telling him he is right and his ex ís a total freak.

@Grisha; I agree with HopeGrows, you can deny that you are in a powerstruggle, but you are. Yes this is an irrational and emotional situation you are in even if you feel totally rational and normal. Subconcious, you are just another human being; she hurt you and you hurt her by breaking up with her.

Either talk and get over your problems and get back together (this is the only REAL responsible way because its the only way in which your children wil get to grow up with both mom and dad as the rolemodels they should be).

Or let her go and focus on the future. Do not spend nights at her house. This is weird for everyone, especially the kids. Do not write letters to her trying to change her behaviour, you are in no position to change her anymore, she can do whatever she wants.

Do not interfere with her life, trying to manipulate people you have a struggle with ís passive aggression whether you recognise it or not. YOU MUST END THIS

Or just go on trying to change your ex, and have her try to change you for the rest of your lives and make your, her and your kids' lives miserable.

I agree

You're absolutely right - I should have prefixed with 'some'. Especially as what you, Hale Bopp, Orbyss etc have said is such good advice.

I'm still surprised that no other men have joined in. Since going through something similar, and spendng time on divorce forums, variations of this situation cause no end of grief - and I'm sure the children suffer most. Both men and women do it - getting into 'inappropriate' situations whilst disregarding their childs welfare. I really don't understand why. Lack of self-control? A desire to shock? Immaturity? A need for validation from another that is so great you'll hook up with the first lowlife you meet after walking out of the house? All of the above and more?

It sounds like there has been a lack of 'ground rules' in your separation. Just about everything I've read talks about clear ground rules, agreed to the benefit of you both, not just the one with the busiest social life.

Read what angelicgoddess wrote, at least 10 times, spread out over several days.

OP, Just a thought, but maybe you should offer to mind the children more often e.g. weekends plus Mnday, so that the balance of care is a bit more even and you won't feel guilted into minding your children on her nights.

I realise that won't work if you live far away from their school, but I do think if you only mind them a couple of days each week, then you can't really complain about minding them on 'her' days sometimes as well.

That said, I agree with what others here have said; there should be a plan in advance about times, days etc...

AG/HH

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, just remember that we all view things through the lens of our own experience an this often colors our opinions.

A couple of comments:

My ex is certainly *not* a monster, in fact I have gone out of my way to say that she is a good mother. Her recent behavior is a total aberration, that's why it bothers me so much.



Of course I feel *some* anger about her behavior, but quite frankly you make it sound like I am tempted to beat her or something, which I assure you is not even remotely the case.



Why do I have a need to "feel better"? I haven't done anything I feel bad about. Once again, my reason for posting was to get advice regarding how to handle the situation, which I got, and not to demonize my ex.



I agree 100%, the challenge is how to end it so we can get back to being adults cooperating for the benefit of the children, like we were before she started dating and all these latent issues came out.



This was always "Plan A", I believe we have exhausted every possibility along these lines. I certainly did not take the decision to leave lightly, I agonized over it for months.



Actually, I *have* let her go, I'm trying to get her to finally let go of me - I explicitly encouraged her to start dating.



If you read my letter carefully, you'll see that all I asked her to do was to come home early enough to take the kids to school, nothing more.




How am I trying to manipulate her? By asking her to get home by 4AM?

Thanks Lene.

Unfortunately, the logistics don't allow this at present due to conflicts with my work.

But you are certainly right, the reason our informal arrangements have worked thus far is due to the fact that niether of us had any seperate "lives" in the immediate aftermath of our separation. I'll give it some thought.

For now, I will continue to "babysit" the children at her house on her date nights, the children are used to being at her house on school nights and it will mean minimal disruption for them as she usually leaves after they have gone to bed. I will try to minimize the "overlap" time (between my arrival and her departure) to help avoid conflicts.

Staying at my ex's house overnight on a regular basis might cause problems if I ever find a new girlfriend, but I don't think I have to worry about that for quite some time...

Look, if you want to head off the drama, you're going to have to take the lead in establishing a framework - and a level of contact - that supports parenting your children together. There are lots of great sources out there (divorce websites, books, etc.), and probably local mediation support services available to give you specifics. So do your research and present your suggestions to your ex-wife, and create a written agreement about how you'll handle custody of the children. (You may even want to address issues that are just common sense to the rest of us....like each adult should be fully clothed in each other's presence.)

You mentioned feeling more like a parent to an unruly teenager than an ex-husband - I think that's actually a fairly accurate description of your role. Your wife was 19(?) when you married her....and you were 35? That's a huge age difference, and a huge difference in maturity. It seems like you've paid a price for marrying someone so young, and unfortunately, it seems like you're continuing to pay that price in divorcing someone so young. (I'm not questioning your decision to divorce - but you're learning that when you have children together, divorce only resolves a portion of spousal problems.)

You've got plenty to do to work out these details with your ex, but you might also want to schedule some time to figure out why you picked her in the first place, and what you can do to avoid picking someone like her in the future.

Wow HG, extremely perceptive post - thank you.

Your exactly right about the age difference coming back to haunt me, and I think it bears a little explanation.

She was 19 and coming out of a horrible abusive relationship and looking for a "prince" to come rescue her. I was a lonely Aspie just like so many other guys here on WP - I was getting older and wanted to get married before it was "too late".

We met by accident in a supermarket line. She was actually aggressive enough to get me to ask for her phone number. In retrospect, the attraction was about 75% physical desire, 25% emotional need, and 0% compatibility. After a couple of months, I asked her to marry me basically because I knew she would say "Yes".

I hate to call it a "mistake" because it is tantamount to calling my beautiful children a "mistake", but it certainly was an ill-considered marriage.

The thing that breaks my heart is that my children have to pay the price for this mistake. All I can hope for is that I make is as easy for them as possible, everything else is secondary. I've read lots of books on helping children cope with divorce and have tried to stick to the rules, but I don't think I'll every rid myself of the guilt I feel.

I hate spending so much time talking about myself on this forum, but I'm hoping that any of the lonely Aspie guys here who might be reading this can learn something from my story.

Honey, nobody's children are a mistake. They are our perfect, beautiful little gifts from God (if you're a believer - if not, no offense intended). But you need to keep them at the very forefront of everything you do with your ex now. They still need the same things they needed before the divorce: stability, structure, an environment free of stress, the knowledge that both parents love them - that's going to be a challenge to provide right now, but you've got to be up to it. And be prepared to do the heavy lifting for the time-being, because your ex-wife is behaving pretty selfishly right now.

I think people will learn from your story...the reasoning behind your decision to marry should be illuminating to a lot of folks. People choose to marry so often because they're just ready to be married (they're at the right age, they're worried they're getting too old, their friends are all getting married, etc.) - and there's someone else who's willing. Unfortunately, the decision to marry usually doesn't have a lot to do with compatibility or "true love" or soulmates or whatever. And what you're finding is what so many people find (and why the divorce rate is @ 50%): it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. Good luck.

I'm certainly trying.

The real problem with helping them cope is that they often don't express their concerns verbally (which makes it even harder for me as an Aspie) or they express them in a seemingly unrelated way. For example, my ASD son will say that his "belly hurts" when he's actually worried about something or my NT daughter will have a "meltdown" over some seemingly trivial problem.

Anyway thanks so much for taking the time to write

You're welcome (and I do get the impression you're striving to put your kids first in all this). There's lots of good resources on helping kids cope with divorce. Continue to be observant - probably any new or unusual behavior that crops up now is related to the divorce. (My niece was 3 years old when her parents divorced, and she actually regressed a bit for a short time.)

The thing is...younger children don't necessarily have the words to express themselves. Try to keep communication going - when your daughter freaks (and you've gotten her calmed down), ask her how she's feeling, and validate what she says. If you're okay with hugs and/or physical affection, give them lots...or do whatever you typically do to reassure them. Kids tend to blame themselves for divorce, and (as appropriate for their ages), you need to let them know that the divorce had nothing to do with them. Anyway, this is a very difficult time for them - they need you now more than ever, so hang in there.