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Having trouble understanding the concept of romantic love

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b9
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30 Dec 2009, 12:05 pm

Salonfilosoof wrote:
b9 wrote:
i can not understand the motive behind "romance".
"romance" seems like a scam that is designed to facilitate sex.


"Romance" is an attempt of men to remember their wives or girlfriends why they're together.

that makes no sense to me. i can not understand that sentence i am sorry.


Salonfilosoof wrote:
It is used to keep women sexually interested in men as women tend to lose interest in the long run (no matter how good you are in bed) if you aren't romantic enough :wink:

so it is to fool women with deliberate acts that are designed to keep them "interested"?
how silly must a woman be to be sucked in by that ploy?.

romance is like a "barn dance" and i am not interested in hopping around inanely.

Salonfilosoof wrote:
b9 wrote:
my notion of "romance" is what i have seen on TV.

i can not understand why girls want flowers, and i always have to be asked to buy them.

flowers are nothing but shriveled trash afer a few weeks, so why do girls think they are so good?


They don't want flowers. They just want their lovers to do something for them that in their opinion confirms their feelings.

you may be right and you may me wrong and i would have no idea.
people must be so insecure if they require artificial reminders every day to make them believe they are loved.



Salonfilosoof wrote:
To put it blunt
no need to announce the dullness of the blade that carved the following sentiments you post

Salonfilosoof wrote:
a man tends to evaluate his relationship by the amount of physical affection he gets (kisses, kuddles and sex)
you are not talking about me. you are just one type of man. i am another type that you can not conceive of, and you would not understand me well if you met me, and you can not telll me what "a man" feels because all men are different.

Salonfilosoof wrote:
whereas a woman evaluates her relationship by little things her husband does to make her feel better about herself. "Romance" is one aspect of that.
well i guess you know so i will not argue with you. i would not like to have a girl friend who relied on me for her self confidence.

Salonfilosoof wrote:
b9 wrote:
my friend tammy thinks she is my "girlfriend"
she is correct that she is a girl and she is correct that she is my friend.
i have no other human "love interest", so i wish she would not be jealous of the fact that i can love nothing much other than my bushland animals that come here every day.



Just because you don't believe in the concept of romance?!?

it is nothing to do with belief. i believe romance exists. i am blind to it however. colorblind people do not deny the existence of color in the same way as i do not deny that there is some feeling of romance that people share that i will never know.
and i do not care.
.



Salonfilosoof
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30 Dec 2009, 12:28 pm

b9 wrote:
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"Romance" is an attempt of men to remember their wives or girlfriends why they're together.

that makes no sense to me. i can not understand that sentence i am sorry.


The concept of "romance" as in "buying her flowers" and "candle light suppers" is something women seem to need from their men and not vice versa. I don't think I've ever met a man who cares for this kind of stuff, whereas for women it is often essential to stay in love with you.

b9 wrote:
so it is to fool women with deliberate acts that are designed to keep them "interested"?
how silly must a woman be to be sucked in by that ploy?.


Thing is... Just being nice doesn't keep a woman interests. You need to do something to her few other men can do to her and being "romantic" is one way to do that.

b9 wrote:
romance is like a "barn dance" and i am not interested in hopping around inanely.


Sometimes women need a barn dance every now and then.

b9 wrote:
people must be so insecure if they require artificial reminders every day to make them believe they are loved.


We're all scared little animals. Some are just better at hiding it and/or dealing with it than others.

b9 wrote:
Salonfilosoof wrote:
a man tends to evaluate his relationship by the amount of physical affection he gets (kisses, kuddles and sex)
you are not talking about me. you are just one type of man. i am another type that you can not conceive of, and you would not understand me well if you met me, and you can not telll me what "a man" feels because all men are different.


Maybe so. How many physical relationships have you been in?

Some things you learn to understand and appreciate by experience. I personally never understood why so many men are obsessed by breasts (I'm more into a woman's buttocks), but after my first relationship I learnt to appreciate the softness and the aesthetic value of a female breast in a way I would never have imagined.

b9 wrote:
well i guess you know so i will not argue with you. i would not like to have a girl friend who relied on me for her self confidence.


It's not her self-confidence but her confidence in you as a couple that I'm talking about. It's most definitely not the same thing.

b9 wrote:
i believe romance exists. i am blind to it however. colorblind people do not deny the existence of color in the same way as i do not deny that there is some feeling of romance that people share that i will never know.
and i do not care.


Call yourself lucky. It's better not to need any love at all than to crave for it while never being able to get it (like so many people on this site).



dddhgg
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30 Dec 2009, 12:47 pm

b9 wrote:
Salonfilosoof wrote:
b9 wrote:
i can not understand the motive behind "romance".
"romance" seems like a scam that is designed to facilitate sex.


"Romance" is an attempt of men to remember their wives or girlfriends why they're together.

that makes no sense to me. i can not understand that sentence i am sorry.


I think salonfilosoof meant to say "remind" instead of "remember". In Dutch a single verb ("herinneren") is used for both "to remind" and "to remember", hence the confusion.


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Last edited by dddhgg on 30 Dec 2009, 1:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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30 Dec 2009, 12:53 pm

I don't understand it and I don't want to know either.



dddhgg
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30 Dec 2009, 12:56 pm

Lonermutant wrote:
I don't understand it and I don't want to know either.


Then don't!


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30 Dec 2009, 1:05 pm

Salonfilosoof wrote:
b9 wrote:
]

i can not understand why girls want flowers, and i always have to be asked to buy them.

flowers are nothing but shriveled trash afer a few weeks, so why do girls think they are so good?


They don't want flowers. They just want their lovers to do something for them that in their opinion confirms their feelings.

!?


I want flowers.

Not because of what they stand for. I want them because they are beautiful, they smell nice, and for the short while that they survive inside they make it seem like there is a garden indoors. I have many houseplants that live inside when the weather is cold and live on the porch when the weather is warm. I have a garden that thrives in the summer. In the winter I really like seeing cut flowers inside because they are so beautiful and when it is freezing ice outside they are a little reminder that if I just wait awhile, it will be Spring again. My husband is well aware of this and buys flowers for me. He doesn't do it because "society" tells him to. He does it because he knows how I feel about flowers. I also sometimes buy flowers myself to bring into the house.



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30 Dec 2009, 1:09 pm

leejosepho wrote:
I


One of the neatest stories I have ever heard, and it is a true one, is that of a man who found a book on the seat of a train. He enjoyed the book as he rode along, and he ultimately returned it to the woman whose name and location were on the inside. Maybe she had intentionally left it in the seat to see who might find it/her?

In any case, the two began to correspond, but she had declined to exchange pictures. A friendship developed, then some mutual interest ... and they eventually decided to meet ... and the woman said she would be wearing a yellow carnation at the station. Not long after arriving there himself, the man noticed a yellow carnation on the lapel of a woman a bit older than he had been expecting ... and while she was not actually "ugly", so to speak, the woman he saw there was far from being the "beauty" (physically) of many men's dreams. Nevertheless, the man approached the woman with the carnation, introduced himself and asked whether she might want to get something to eat ... and ultimately, the woman he had actually been seeking stepped up and introduced herself after being sure he was a man of the kind of character she was seeking.

I may not know anything about "romantic love", but I do just fine with my wife as long as I look past all the stuff that cannot be seen in the dark anyway. But overall, look for the kind of woman who is willing to commit to a man who cannot be dazzled!


Just for the record, that is an incredibly romantic story. In fact, it embodies what romance actually is. So I think you understand romantic love just fine, you just haven't labeled it that.



Salonfilosoof
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30 Dec 2009, 1:41 pm

dddhgg wrote:
b9 wrote:
that makes no sense to me. i can not understand that sentence i am sorry.


I think salonfilosoof meant to say "remind" instead of "remember". In Dutch a single verb ("herinneren") is used for both "to remind" and "to remember", hence the confusion.


I'm glad you pointed that out to me. You were entirely correct there. I guess my English is not as clean as I thought it was :wink:



leejosepho
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30 Dec 2009, 5:31 pm

Janissy wrote:
Just for the record, that is an incredibly romantic story. In fact, it embodies what romance actually is. So I think you understand romantic love just fine, you just haven't labeled it that.


Okay, and I thank you!

With all the talk about flowers and such, I think the deal with "romantic love" is simply about going beyond pragmatic or whatever and actually showing some otherwise-unnecessary considerations of one's spouse or partner by doing little things that convey an heart-felt appreciation and respect far beyond words. But whatever it is, "romantic love" just does not come naturally for me.


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01 Jan 2010, 5:58 pm

I dont even notice someones looks until I have talked to them and made some sort of connection and even then I dont know if I see the same things other people do.


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01 Jan 2010, 6:38 pm

OP, romantic love can also be described as a "crush" or as infatuation. In the NT world (and often in Aspie/NT relationships), romantic love occurs initially in the early stages of a relationship - when you're first dating. (This may also occur in AS/AS relationships - I just don't have experience in that area)

"Symptoms" of romantic love = being excited to hear from/see your gf; thinking about your gf very often thoughout your day; a fairly constant state of sexual excitement; blushing; heart palpitations; cotton mouth; giggling....in general, a feeling of being "consumed" - physically, emotionally, psychologically - with the other person in the relationship. That feeling can translate into other areas of your life: you can feel more optimistic, happier, healthier, more patient, nicer.....about things in general. All things considered, I recommend it highly. :wink:

Also, while romantic love often first appears in the first stages of a relationship....it also retreats....then re-appears (which is really the only way the human race continues to survive - if we had to cope with romantic love all the time, we'd never be able to do anything else!). That's why things like compatibility, common interests and values, and true friendship are very important in any romantic relationship - it's those things that keep the relationship thriving between bouts of romantic love. Hope this helped.



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01 Jan 2010, 7:13 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
Also, while romantic love often first appears in the first stages of a relationship....it also retreats....then re-appears (which is really the only way the human race continues to survive - if we had to cope with romantic love all the time, we'd never be able to do anything else!). That's why things like compatibility, common interests and values, and true friendship are very important in any romantic relationship - it's those things that keep the relationship thriving between bouts of romantic love. Hope this helped.


With me these feelings never leave and with the women I date they never come back. It's incredibly frustrating..... :?



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01 Jan 2010, 7:34 pm

Wow, Salonfilosoof - how do you get anything done? :wink: Seriously, though....I think that may have more to do with BPD aspect of your partners. I mean, people with BPD have emotional and psychological differences than most of the population - don't you think that's probably a likely explanation for this kind of difference? I don't know....just a thought.



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01 Jan 2010, 7:45 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
Wow, Salonfilosoof - how do you get anything done? :wink: Seriously, though....I think that may have more to do with BPD aspect of your partners. I mean, people with BPD have emotional and psychological differences than most of the population - don't you think that's probably a likely explanation for this kind of difference? I don't know....just a thought.


Maybe. Or maybe it's my Asperger's that drives them away. And although most of my ex-girlfriends weren't very emotionally stable, they weren't all BPD ;)



eck
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01 Jan 2010, 10:18 pm

dddhgg wrote:
It's also good to know that "romantic love" as we know it is relatively new as a concept (compared to the timescale of human evolution, or even compared to written history). Also, it seems to be a predominantly Western idea.


I dunnno. Some of the most beautiful, sinsere, hottest love poems I ever read were Sanskrit (in translation.) They are hundreds of years old. That part of hindu culture was squashed by the Brits and their puritanical leanings.

I think romantic love is part choice, part sexual chemistry and part inexplicable.

It's like the lighter fluid of a relationship. It tends to burn off quickly with a bang but if you take good care of the fire, it can last for a long time.



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02 Jan 2010, 5:52 am

eck wrote:
It's like the lighter fluid of a relationship. It tends to burn off quickly with a bang but if you take good care of the fire, it can last for a long time.


... only if you're very lucky and you manage to meet someone willing to put as much effort into the relationship as yourself.

In my experience, most Western-European women of generations < 30yo no longer seem to be willing to make the kind of effort necessary to make a relationship work. Either their force their man into subservience or they move on to someone else.... just like that! :?

Maybe I should look for some Eastern-European woman?!?