how can I change my personality?

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lotusblossom

I can completely relate to you situation. Changing aspects of my personality is an issue I’m considering as well.

I actually don't think that there's anything destructive about the concept of changing certain characteristics if it is for the better. The real problem of course is that it will probably take a lot of effort and time. I’d say make this a year to two-year strategy if that sounds realistic.

I’ve been warned by many people to not try and change who I am, as allegedly, "this may lead to mental illness". ….. Yeah but on the other hand, I personally, am living alone and that's not exactly healthy for any human being either. To put it simply, the reason I want to change is because this might enable be around more people and enjoy their company.

I think you mentioned psychiatrists and/or counsellors as well. One thing to watch out for with "shrinks" (especially if they are "specifically trained to deal with those on the spectrum") is them trying to "make you accept who you are". The bottom is: if you think you want to change who you are, then do so. But do it because YOU want to, NOT because OTHERS want you to.

I wonder if you could start with something small - almost at random - just to see what happens and how you feel about it.

Years ago I decided I was too prissy about my appearance and did something that I considered colossally radical: I went to the library wearing one earring instead of two. And I wore clothes of course. But I thought that one naked earlobe would have people pointing and gasping at me. Nobody noticed. Not one soul, not even the prissy librarians, noticed that I was being radical.

I've gotten progressively relaxed about my appearance since then. Last summer during a terrible heat wave I shaved my head - something I'd always wanted to do. It felt wonderful and by Christmas I had hair again.

So - can you think of a really radical thing you could do? Once you've done it, you can decide whether it's more or less like the real you.

You sound a lot like me. I worked a long time to "change my personality" or presentation. I still have that urge to speak that you mentioned, and often speak when I intended to shut up. Social cues are mostly invisible to me. I guess at them, based on what I have learned about them. My conclusion, then, has been that there is not enough listening and observing going on and too much outputting. Back off (I told myself, and so am telling you) and just pay attention, listen and try to learn. Yes, you will draw many blanks, but still listen as speaking is only getting you in trouble. Things are out of balance, and you need to pay attention to the outside a lot more.

When you do finally speak a rule of thumb is to ask as well as answer. Another rule of thumb is to answer briefly in one to three sentences. If you have a tendency to run-on sentences, then make them 3 short sentences. After speaking, return to listening with a vengeance, observing even though it's confusing, and trying to discern any subtle feeling reactions in the wake of what you've said. Look at people's faces as much as you can without making them uncomfortable.

Drugs may make you feel relaxed, and that's your call, but they won't give you independent control or deep understanding. It's great to start getting compliments on being thoughtful, helpful and sensitive. The old saw about we have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak is my motto.

>If I replay situations in my head later Imight notice that people were making grimaces but I would still not notice it at the time or be able to know what the expression meant.

That's proof to me the information is there unconsciously and it's your conscious accessing of it that needs to improve. Slowing down and paying attention will help with practise. I understand well and have been totally frustrated by this experience of only understanding occasionally in hindsight, but I keep working on it so I can have interpersonal contacts and success in this world.

Another thing you said is that you didn't notice the raised hand. Focussing outward is difficult but essential. You must learn to be open and receptive. And then the really hard part (for me): switching back and forth between outside and inside. Task switching (urg!) between receptive and native mode. Very easy to get stuck in the latter, so you just have to keep trying.

Improving those things doesn't necessarily constitute a personality change, they're just steps you are taking in order to cultivate a healthy relationship.

You've gotten a lot of awfully good feedback already, but there's something you said that stood out to me:

You probably can't change your personality. Change your behaviour. The eightfold path of Buddhism is a good recipe for becoming a 'better person'.