ehhhhh

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Don't call yourself an idiot, although it's easy to want to do. Think of it as chalking it up for experience, reading what you can about dating and relationships, and moving forward in your life.

Here's a bone I'll throw to you to consider...

"After a woman begins to feel all three levels of chemistry - mental, emotional, and then physical - her heart begins to open to a man. Now she can truly experience how much love she has for this man...A man should not be discouraged if a woman is not interested in a physical way. A man needs to remember that a woman is like an oven that slowly heats up. If she wants to be friends at first, it doesn't mean that he does not stand a chance. Quote often women who have found their soul mates say that at first they were just friends and that the romance came later. Their husbands point out that the potential for physical attraction, from their side, was almost always there."
- "Mars and Venus On A Date", pages 162-163, first edition, John Gray

As I've mentioned on the forum at different times, this book is my guide when it comes to dating and relationships. I recommend that all men and women read MVOAD, regardless if they are AS or NT. Doesn't have anything to do with AS, but people can still adapt it towards them.

Being AS (and also AD/HD).. if I can learn how to attract a woman's interest in me, so can other guys who have AS. Just be friends with women first and let everything build from friendship.

Uuughh >John Gray, "Ph.D" >Not down with that guy. :barf:

You oughta make a thread. I'm sure it would provoke quite a vibrant discourse.

But I'm curious... You seem to indicate that you can't connect with women, at all? But surely you've tried. Why do you feel your attempts at connection fail?

Girl this thread is about (let's call her Kate):

I invited Kate to go to this socialism meeting a few days before I realized this is not gonna work, so I take her in tonight with this other girl that asked me for a ride there (let's call her Lauren). During the car ride over, I find it many times more easy to talk to the girl that asked for a ride. Also, it's very, very easy for me to talk to girls I don't really know. Those conversations are super predictable and I've done it a million times, so I proceed to do my normal, boring conversational style. Somewhere in there, Lauren may have flirted with me a few times, who knows. I don't understand verbal flirting, the only thing I 'get' is non-verbals because they're dead obvious.

During the dinner, I'm not really focusing all of my attention on Kate, but rather the entire table because I love being friendly with people that hate capitalism as much as me. I look over at her a few times and smile, say a few things here and there, and whisper in her ear a bit about how I'd rather not be there because I've heard the same platitudes from other speakers a million times.

Lauren is kind of an abrasive girl, so she makes a few comments here and there that probably upset Kate, but they were all just jokes. When Kate took some pill for a sinus infection at dinner, Lauren said something like: "Killing those babies huh Kate." The thing is, Lauren's a hardcore feminist and those girls tend to be super open about sexual topics. Come to think about it Lauren definitely flirted with me at the end, but I didn't flirt back with her.

Anyways, on the car ride home, Kate starts crying (what the hell, you JUST met me three weeks ago, don't go there) about how much of a b***h Lauren was to her for various non-reasons after I say she seemed like a cool person. Then she starts talking about how I completely ignored her at dinner, which was total BS. She also alleges that I use her as a pit stop, which again, is total BS because she wouldn't have met a few close friends of mine otherwise. I wouldn't hang out with her all day.

See the thing about Kate is that, even coming from someone who has an ASD, she is completely socially unaware. She has no idea how to make conversations with people that don't center around herself, her narrow interests, or how to not jump totally outside of the subject matter of the conversation. She never looks very comfortable around others. People notice this and they're like "uh huh, this girl is weird..."

I've also figured out why she doesn't have guys lined up, too (beautiful women always do, right??). It's because she is so socially unaware that she's a liability.

So perhaps, I've run into an asperger's girl. Regardless, it sucks. She's really sweet and affectionate with me and a lot of things are in place, but god damn, I cannot make a mental connection w/ her and that's the most important piece for me. Maybe if she had a few more years of life experience, I could have some real conversation with her, but as it stands, she lives on a different planet.

I like to speak about things and ideas, not feelings and situational aspects. A lot of things are talked about as almost an observer. How do you emotionally connect with someone talking about things? I don't even know what people mean when they say emotional connection.

Heh, funny end comment there.

I get what you're saying regarding the social liability thing. Dang, that's tough. You know, there's a somewhat recent thread that has a pretty big 'checklist' of a more recent catalog of >common female-specific aspie expressions. You might get something out of that.... *shrug*

Now I'm kinda changing my mind. I'm thinking maybe you oughta tell her exactly what you think, without any spin. Hit all the themes and points you brought up in that last post. Yeah, that's a pretty emo and relationship-y discussion to have, but I'm thinking maybe you have to, now. If she's freaking about owning your attention, then regardless of how much(or little) time has passed, she's investing in you. You can't play according to your level of investment, you have to play to hers, or else she'll just keep freaking out and it'll continuously cause stress and problems. Not only that, your scales of what constitutes a lot or a little time may be different. She might not simply be following her impulses, but also thinks it makes sense to be this invested after only 3 weeks. If that's the case, then resisting her time-frame makes you seem like the 'bad guy,' which could possibly fuel entrenchment on her part if bickering breaks out.
Blech.

But.... Regarding connections...
So you've got this girl who's a bit off, and you're not making connections easily with her. Okay.
But I also get the message that you're not connecting with NT girls, either? Why's that? It could all be circumstance, perhaps like with 'Kate.' What would be an example of a connection for you, an example of what you can't seem to get? What would make you feel connected?

BTW, big ups on the socialism bit; I'm not a fan of un-restrained capitalism either.

Oh, k, I missed this post. Yeah that makes a ton of sense, then.

Hm! In fact, I think this really hones down your situation into a more refined, and broadly applicable, issue. How does one reconcile opposing conversational approaches? The whole proposed separation between talking about >People/Events/Things/Ideas. The premise itself is very arguable, but clearly there's something to it, per your situation as an example. Gossiping does not mix well with theoretical finagling.

And further, simply defining what constitutes an 'emotional connection' could have it's own thread.

All these issues in one thread! Boy, you're really cramming 'em in!

Roadgames, this seems so complicated when it's all spelled out. My usual response to relationship stuff like this is to never even think about it in such detail (I confuse myself immediately ) - rest assured, there are women out there who don't always worry too much about feelings and stuff!

If you're having fun with her, just have fun. It doesn't have to last forever. Some relationships are shorter than others but they can still be a blast. Besides, spending one's twenties just having fun is ideal, I think. Does the nature or potential nature of your relationship with her warrant this level of analysis? Are you concerned about investing too much emotionally in this girl? I hope this post doesn't come off as insensitive - I really do mean all these things earnestly.

You also said you have trouble connecting with women - so do I and I am one . Maybe that's just AS. I don't know.

And regarding the comment your friend Lauren made about the pills - I thought that was very funny. I could totally dig hanging out with someone like that.

1. I don't know. This is my first relationship in a loooong time. Like I said, most girls just wanna have fun with me, not get emotionally invested with me.

2. 100% concerned about this. She's been pushing it on me from the beginning. I could slip into being emotionally invested easily with someone this good looking who seems to like me for who I am, but the mental disconnect is insane.

3. Yeah, that's what I thought! Lauren is honestly a funny person, what the hell. That's just one example of something funny that she said that offended Kate. I think Kate just felt insecure because she felt like I was ignoring her and talking to Lauren too much. It's harder to make conversation with someone who doesn't have all that much in common with you and is a lot less mature than you are.

It rips me up breaking the news to this girl, but she must suspect that I can't make a connection with her if she's throwing pitstop allegations at me. It would also be pathetic to be in a relationship with such damaged goods when I have non-damaged girls that are closer to my age flirting with me all the time. Lauren sounds cool, but she's my good friend's ex (who also happens to be hanging out with Kate right now, lol).

I'm going back to being a serial seducer and not involving my feelings in anything until I meet some super intelligent girl.

gosh, you call her damaged goods and imature but you sound those things yourself, I think you need to pick up the mirror insted of the magnifying glass and do some work on yourself insted. What sort of socialist has such views of women/people, your so judgemental and intollerant.

I heavily edited here for space, hope you don't mind.

This I could not handle. When things get petty and overly dramatic, I lose interest. I can see where you have your reservations in this regard. I wouldn't want to deal with that long term.



Sounds fun.