Significant other demanding I defriend an ex-crush

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Some of you just don't get it. There should be a course out there to teach adult aspies what is socially acceptable in the real world. In an ideal world everyone could date and be-friend anyone they wanted, no-one would get jealous or hurt, happy lucky blah blah. But this is not an ideal world. People seem to think they can just live by their own rules without even considerig the rules of society or the rules of others.

The only reason I know is because i've been thouroughly trained by my mother.

Actually, the rules of "our" progressive society state that dictating who you can or can't be friends with is abuse. Well, you know, that's what they say; psychologists and all that.

Of course, you can live how you want, whether it's being controlled by someone or controlling them.

Let me clarify some things.

1. I never had a romantic relationship with the ex-crush.

2. I have not gone to singles events ever since I've been seeing the SO.

3. The SO and I, in effect, had to retroactively figure out when we started dating. It happened so gradually that she and I still considered ourselves "friends" even though her relatives had decided that we had started dating. Remember this is the first relationship for either of us. There is no precedent.

4. Some of the friend-specific things that the SO found endearing and romantic were stuff appropriate for friends. How did I know this? The ex-crush did it to everyone. So, I did it for the SO. She seemed to think it was a romantic turn-on, whereas the ex-crush didn't (and I didn't).

5. The ex-crush and SO have completely different personalities. The ex-crush is much more bubbly and effervescent. The SO is much more serious and introverted. What's good for one might not be good for the other.

I can really see both sides of this issue. On one end I can see how he wouldn't want to drop a friend so quickly. I am currently friends with every girl I have dated in the past. That's how things have worked out and I couldn't see just dropping them as a friend forever.

However I know that one of my ex's, her boyfriend has forbid her from even speaking to me. Probably with good reason though because I'm 100% sure she would cheat on him with me(physically) if the situation allowed for it.

Any friend you have should be a friend of the couple. If the person is only a friend of one or the other it looks really suspicious. I'd say that the OP's SO has a good reason to be concerned. I can understand the OP not wanting to lose a friend but the SO doesn't really know this friend well and it seems like she's threat more than anything else. OP, if you really value what you have now I'd say spend less time with the girl you were crushing on some time ago, and more time with the person who I assume you want to marry.

OP, I believe your relationship with your SO has run it's course - for both of you.

First, you've admitted that if your ex-crush would have you, you'd consider that an "IDEAL" situation - and that's after 3 1/2 years with your SO. I don't know how you define a "crush" - but, "if she'd have me I'd be with her," is close enough for me.

Second, there's the idea that giving up this "friendship" is something you're very resistant to do. It seems to me that keeping your ex-crush in your life preserves the emotional attachment you have to her as your "IDEAL" - and that emotional attachment pretty handily allows you to avoid committing to your SO.

Third, your SO is moving half-way across the world for the "foreseeable future." That seems a clear indication that her career is more of a priority than staying on the same continent with you. (I'm not saying that her priorities are screwed up, I'm just saying you rank behind her career.) To me, that's also an indication that on some level, she knows you're settling for her: when she had to choose between you and her career, she chose her career.

Your SO has an exciting opportunity to start her life over in a brand new country. While I'm sure a break-up will be painful, the reality is that after 3 1/2 years, you two are not committed to each other: you're still carrying a torch for someone else; she's willing to leave you behind to pursue her career. I can't help but believe you will both be better off if one of you has the courage to face reality here.

@Danielismyname, I think you've already received good feedback from others in this thread, but I'd like to add my perspective. Successful relationships require sacrifice and compromise. Any woman that you have a relationship with will bring her own needs to the relationship - and meeting those needs will not always be easy or fun or painless. I've seen the tendency to think about relationships solely in terms of what one receives, rather than as the exercise in give-and-take that they are, expressed a lot on this board. It's flawed logic, and it doesn't prepare one for the reality of real world relationships.

One more thing, there is solid reasoning behind the idea that committed couples should pursue opposite-sex friendships as a couple, rather than as individuals: emotional affairs damage relationships. While they don't always lead to physical affairs, emotional intimacy with a person of the opposite sex can undermine the bond between partners, leading to insecurity, jealousy, mistrust, unhappiness, etc. So the question is, why would it be okay to risk a committed relationship in order to pursue this type of friendship - particularly when the friendship can be pursued as a couple? If the primary relationship is each individual's top priority, it seems to me that putting it at risk for a "friend" is incredibly reckless behavior.

Finally, establishing a code of conduct within a relationship that's designed to foster and support the strength, bond, and intimacy of the the relationship isn't abusive. It's an agreement - entered into willingly - by both individuals. The specifics of each relationship's code of conduct has to be negotiated, so that each individual does agree to it willingly, and abides by it. (And yes, those negotiations can involve disagreements.) The code varies from relationship to relationship, but it does have to be acceptable to both partners. If it's not, and one partner is "forcing" restrictions on another, that's a good sign the relationship should end.

That's very unreasonable. I'd understand the concern at first, but you've told her the situation and you've even got the ex-crush to confirm it twice. It is not fair for your SO to make you stop talking to your friends.

I have RARELY told my SO that she was "forbidden" to see other people. RARELY. And she "obeyed" me (for lack of a better term) to a good degree.

But there are reasons for it.

#1. I forbade her to ever go anywhere NEAR her ex bf after we got together. Good reason, though. Dude was PSYCHOTIC. Something I've observed about people with psychotic exes is that they often go back, knowing full well and yet in denial that they will be abused again. I drove a wedge between those two so wide that there's more of a chance the earth will get sucked into a black hole before they ever see each other again.

#2. Not long after we got engaged, she was hanging out with a "friend" who got her drunk and made a move on her. Even though she said nothing "happened," I came down pretty hard on her (emotionally) for putting herself in that position. She never saw him again after that.

#3. After we got married, she went with a girl friend to our fav Mexican place for a "girl's night out." OK, I've seen the way her husband looked her, and that made me REALLY uncomfortable. So she ends up getting my wife drunk, which is embarrassing enough, but also reflects badly on me. So imagine what I was thinking when some other MAN drops her off at the house! She could have at least called me. Those people have cooled out a lot over the last couple years, but the damage is done. If I can't trust someone, I'm certainly not going to just let my wife run around with them.

Now, before you start thinking I'm a misogynist creep, those are only 3 incidents in all of 10 years that we've been together. Sure I have a little bit of a possessive streak, but you ought to see how she gives it right back! lol I just believe that holding a partner accountable is just part of a strong relationship, and anything I've done pales in comparison with all the times she's called ME out on things! I think both partners have a duty to guard the relationship. It starts with your own fidelity and commitment, but both people have to be willing to confront each other when there are problems or questionable circumstances. Some amount of jealousy is to be expected. If you don't jealously guard your relationships (I don't mean creepy-stalker kind of way, I just mean don't encourage iffy situations), it shows you really don't care that much.

My wife might at times (especially scenario #3) resent me for my attitude, but she also understands that I wouldn't feel that way if I didn't love her. If fidelity is something you value, one of the best things you can do is find someone who buys into YOU enough that you don't have to worry about yourself getting bored or your partner straying.

You're all still wrong people:

It's abuse to demand of an adult who they can or can't be friends with. If you're willing to compromise for someone's irrational insecurity, that's your choice. It's abuse for a male to tell a female who she can or can't be friends with, just as the converse is true. People can say, but plenty of males or females are like this! That just means they're all insecure and/or untrusting and abusers too.

The "right" thing is for the partner to let her position known without demanding anything. They can then talk about it. If the partner is so uncomfortable that she must resort to abuse, then she can leave, as the relationship has reached an unhealthy and untrusting point.

It's kinda sobering to see people think this form of abuse is ok. It's no different to any other forms of, as it's all for the sake of controlling a person for their own ends (which abuse is).