Is this what happens? (Men only.)

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I think Toad has a pathelogical desire to be unlovable. He desires to be unlovable more than he desires a girlfriend.

I ve been used plenty of times because I usually try to help people.
That being said I dont think she was using me.

I know that what I did at the start could have lead to her using me but I gave it a go and after a couple of days when I noticed she was trying to help me outside the classes I realized I didnt have to worry about that.


Most people expect something out of a relationship(it can go from companionship to many different things, in this case I needed someone to help me improve the relationship with my classmates and she asked some questions every now and then) we both got what we were asking for so I dont see any problem there.

Most social interactions start with you offering something and others offering you something in return.

I would suggest that this is where things go wrong for guys in terms of girls they want to date. Girls who might otherwise be interested instead could see that as you trying to "buy" them -- Girls who aren't interested but do want to use you will hone in on that immediately and take you up on your offer. Essentially, you set a bad precedent and attract exactly the wrong kind of people.

A lot of guys (including myself) make this mistake.

Instead, it is better that the guy and girl actually enjoy eachother's company and conversation, rather than what they can do for each other (sex excluded).

I think you are right on this one however a line must be drawn between social interactions and a love relationship.

In order to fall for someone I need to get to know them and so, Im not into the whole love at first sight so I take sometime trying to figure if a girl likes me and so before I try to start a relationship (usually I take too much time and girls think Im not interested on them or they see me as a friend and they claim they dont wanna mess a friendship).

I respect women, I don't respect users (of either gender). In high school, just about every flirtation ever sent to me also had tied to it a request for homework help or study help and the like. Early on I was gullible to it, and ended up doing homework assignments and what not because I thought women liked me. I even, in the one instance of academic cheating that I had ever initiated, lifted an entire history exam for this one girl. But eventually I wisened up. I realized about halfway through junior year that these users (there were 5 or 6 of them out of 85 or so girls in my graduating class) were only after my brain. The rest ignored me or were friendly but distant. And since I knew that a problem with me was way more likely than a problem with 85 or so women, I came to the conclusion that I was unlovable. The other conclusion I came up with is that if a woman (or man if you're a woman) is hitting on you for academic help, she's most likely a user. (on the other hand, if someone of the same gender hits on you, it's generally just bullying)

That's interesting because I'm definitely a sensitive/feelings guy. Not the macho/manly type.

I straddle it -- I can get very sensitive/touchy, but other times I just want to man it up when others are faltering. My wife deals with both fine.

I hate to be real, but most of these women who are rejecting you guys aren't people you want anyway.
They're mean to you when they reject you? No, they're just mean period. There isn't some magic awaiting behind closed doors where they magically transform into this good, amicable person who shares your interests and what you value.

On the flip side, you'd better attempt to offer close to what you expect. Thats reality, people have taken a very shallow stance when it comes to relationships. The majority anyway, they fall into brainwashing on tv, influenced by hormones, and when it comes down to it when they're shallow enough they'll pick the abusive guy who treats them like crap over you EVERY time.

OR you could dodge a bullet and they could be abusive anyway. I think some of the people here REALLY need to examine what encourages you to step forward and talk to some of these women in the first place.

Heck, examine what a "Crush" exactly is and why you chose to have it in a particular instance when choosing one girl over another. If you aren't and choose everyone then examine that too, and then examine exactly what standards are.

Anyone who doesn't want you for shallow pedantic reasons in all cases--is not who you want anyway.

I agree with Toad's statement on academic "help". I used to want to help everyone with their coursework during my university years, and was annoyed to see that the women who did so (come to think of it, I cannot remember a single man who asked me for such help) started getting flirty in a very obviously fake way.

If a woman comes to you for help, she's probably a user. One way to determine this is to see whether she's asking you questions, trying to understand your methods etc in order to do the work herself, and then does the work herself. If she wants you to do the work, she's definitely a user who has just insulted you, and you should not feel hesitant to get even with her.

As for dating, you have to consider what qualities attract you. Are opportunism and greed among them? If in fact they repulse you, then most (if not all?) women probably wouldn't be that interesting anyway. I finally came to terms with this idea, emotionally as well as intellectually, in recent years (reading this pdf helped); I am currently 24.

Kinda harsh, also are you guys sure you're just not misinterpreting body language? My aunt used to ask my uncle for homework help all the time and now they're married.

You can't say somethings fake just because you don't get the "follow up" response you wanted. Maybe they liked you physically at one point and when the homework was done, decided there was no real chemistry there..

One of the turning points in my relationship with user girls -- In college, the very last girl I got used by pretended to be my great friend all that time, for weeks, while I spent my time helping her, for hours and hours. And then she got tickets to a basketball game for our team (we were one of the big college teams), and who did she bring?

My jerk,violent, macho, barely-spent-any-time-with-her roommate. Some of this was because they were both the same ethnicity, and she was definitely a racist in favor of her own race (Japanese), but it was also clear to me that I was the person she turned to for help with school, and he was the person she turned to when she wanted to have fun. She found out almost immediately from me that I was not pleased, and my favors to her stopped.

Anyone else who has been used will probably also notice this if they get their head out of the sand and look around -- you're her coworker, not her friend or lover. The friend and lovers get the fun part of her time, you get the business. You ARE NOT her friend. Push people like this out of your life, or lay down the line. Make up any excuse, but you should not be wasting any of your time unpaid (and demand real currency for your work, not favors or other forms of barter) with her.

Funny side note -- because she was ethnically Japanese, she was also an extreme lightweight drinking-wise (many Japanese lack a gene to properly metabolize alcohol). So one day she comes over with her roommates (who were also supposed friends of mine), and has a drink. 20 minutes later or so, she calls me up, drunk already off of that one drink, and asked me to come over. We no longer had a class together, and I wasn't helping her anymore, so I did. I ended up sitting on her back and giving her a massage while she asked me if I liked her. I didn't say anything committal, because she had a buff BF at the time who lived out of town, and I had some ethics issues at the time about getting involved with women who were already in a relationship. I also didn't trust her if she sobered up and regretted anything that we did and cried rape later.

Looking back later, I realized she was coming on to me strong and probably wanted to have sex that night. Shows you how oblivious even we partial Aspies can be to social cues and signals.

I used to try to help everyone at school and I also noticed the fake part.
I usually try to avoid this kind of relationships(they are easily recognized as such) but when I have nowhere else to turn to I give them a go.
Sure I ended up expending a few breaks studying but I knew no one at the place so it wasnt that bad and as soon as I had someone else turn to I told her so and she accepted it.
I have had a few male friends asking for help at college this year. This is another example of what could have been easily misunderstood as a user relationship: it was exam season so I spent as much time as I could at the library studying.

I took a break from one of my studies and I noticed two guys were staring at me so I looked at them and I recognized them immediately since they sat next to me in one of the subjects. One of the two guys approached me because he had some sort of problem understanding a part of the subject so I offered to go with them after my break to help them(I figured it would help me see if I had understood things as I thought and some attempt of socializing would do me no harm).

I explained bith guys their doubts and they looked at me surprised so I was like ok what have I done this time?. Apparently they thought I was a serious person and thas why they hadnt talked to me at classes, after this time we have talked about multiple different things(collegue related and no related) and I have met through them a couple of other wonderfull college students(apparently they are from their class).


I have a pretty strong way of dealing with users, just so you have an idea the day of the exam I was talking about before I was doing some pre-exam revision with this two guys who barely knew anything about me. To their surprise a female classmate came up and asked me for help, she didnt even know my name and she had been with me on most of my classes so I refused to help her and told her so(this is sort of done as a joke between peopel my age around here so she thought I was kidding and kept asking for a while) as she left the two guys said she was hot you could have helped herto which I answered she is out of my league and she wouldnt have even asked me if there was someone else around here.

I remember how my reputation of being generous caught up with me after I left my country. A girl I had briefly met at university sent me an IM asking for help with her essay. Though determined to rebuke her, I asked for more details, and she gave me one by copying-and-pasting the first paragraph of a sample essay off the web (without telling me it was off the web). I then told her I would provide her with something, knowing that she implicitly wanted me to write her essay for her.

I found her topic interesting; so, off I went on YouTube, watching a few videos that might have been related to it. I sent her the links via IM, and In the midst of them, I slipped a lovely music video from my home country, which sarcastically makes fun of playback, plagiarism and prostitution in pop music.

She complained about the links, stating she had hoped for something text-based. I asked her to watch the videos anyway, and she complained she couldn't understand them all, as they weren't in our native language. I therefore mentioned that one of these videos was, in fact, in our language, and pointed it out.

Needless to say, I politely withdrew from her nascent bout of cursing and smiled to myself.

Luckily a woman has never used me, other than a girl that really wanted to go to the senior dance with me (underclassman) but told people she was using me to protect her reputation. I have the last laugh anyway, she's obese now.

What's really laughable is how obsessed you are with women's looks. Not a single post mentioning women aside from how you "rank" or "grade" them physically.

No wonder no woman wants to be with you.

Last edited by Bethie on 02 Sep 2010, 4:16 am, edited 2 times in total.

he can get a date, he got one the other week, but he ran scared from it and pretended to himself that he turned it down because he has integrity and did not want to commit on a first date (which she hadnt asked for) so really he is just like lots of other aspie men and alone as his anxiety outweighs his sex drive. He could have 10 women all gorgeous approach him and he would not date them but run scared insted.