Aspie guys and flakiness in relationships

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I don't know whether it has to do with my AS, but I have a history of getting very cold feet - often very suddenly. It's like "snapping out of it" and suddenly realising that "this is not right for me". And when that happens, nothing can restore my faith in the budding relationship.

Aspies, generally speaking, are s**t with emotions. I know I am. Can cause all sorts of problems. For example, it not unusual for me not to understand what I'm feeling about something until months later. Perhaps that's what happened here.

@Taurus and @AspZ raise very good points: many Aspies experience emotional processing delays. As they both described, it can sometimes take weeks or months to realize their genuine emotional response to an issue. And there does seem to be a kind of permanence to the new emotional state: once the "reversal" has occurred, there often doesn't seem to be much room for discussion.

So maybe the "falling out of love" response that some Aspies experience is really just a symptom of a processing delay?

I would love to have a nice girl like yourself as a mate. i am lonely right now whether or not its desperation driving me towards you i don't know. but i am nice and i will be faithful if you give me a chance. i am 4 years older than you though i don't know if that's a problem but my interests are random and my dislikes are strange for a male too.

Well...just because he asked if you had the pills yet doesn't mean he wanted to have sex that night. In fact, he may have been secretly praying that you *didn't* have them yet because he knew he wasn't ready. That was, afterall, the reason he gave for his change of heart....that he wasn't ready for all the potential complications that come along with a relationship. And the simple fact that he brought up the subject of how your relationship was coming along in the days before the breakup would seem to indicate that it's something that had been on his mind lately..

In other words, this may not be as abrupt as it seemed. A cursory glance at the situation reveals *a number* of potential stressors -- a new relationship, a first relationship, losing one's virginity, fear about an unwanted pregnancy, potentially losing a good friend to a failed relationship, etc -- yet *nothing* is mentioned about him seeming stressed.

My gut tells me he'd probably been hiding a lot of stress and fear for a while....bottling it up. For whatever reason, the cork popped out and all that stress and fear just came crashing down on him at once and he kinda freaked right in the middle of making out. And the simple fact that you two were making out at the time, and that he'd initiated it, and that you don't seem to have sensed his stress tells me that this guy *really* tried to hold it together for as long as possible....but finally just *broke.*

When he finally broke, though, he *asked* if you'd be ok with just remaining friends. Most times, the talk goes something like "I think we should just be friends" -- but he asked if that would be OK. He obviously wanted to avoid losing you for good. He wants you in his life.

If you're still speaking as friends, see if you can get him to talk more about his stress levels during the whole thing. If you can get him to open up about it, validate it. Reassure him that his fears and stress was founded, and that it's OK to feel that way.. I really think if you can get him to open up and say all the things he didn't feel like he could say before, you're going to figure out that he was scared out of his mind but didn't want to show it because...yanno..."real men" aren't supposed to be scared of girls...or whatever.

i have experienced the sudden disinterest in men who i was formerly attracted to - many times. it really is like a light switch turning off. there is always a reason, but it isn't always based on something that the other person can change.

usually i will just suddenly realize i do not love the person and therefore nothing long-term can come from the relationship. from that moment forward, almost everything about that person will disgust and annoy me - everything from a stray ear hair to the smell of their car will turn me off.

when it happens, the other person is completely befuddled, upset and chagrined. nothing can change my feelings at that point, though a couple of times i stayed in a relationship with the person for a very brief period. if i don't break up with the person right away (due to timing or second thoughts on my part), i start to pick arguments constantly. everything becomes a huge deal. but usually, they didn't even see it coming.

it has even happened with people who i was not dating but was just attracted to, like a friend. then they are even MORE confused about the change in my behaviour!


the final makeout session may have been your boyfriend's test for himself, to see whether he was sure about what he wanted to do. one last time to see if anything changed about how he felt...

If he's just being avoidant, how do you know he's actually *angry* at your circle of friends?

Maybe he's just thinking you've probably told them what happened and he's embarrassed to be around them now? To me, that makes more sense than him being angry for no apparent reason and showing his anger through avoidance..

So far as what good it would do, it may do no good at all if he's truly angry and has no interest in you anymore. But if you're mistaking embarrassment for anger and/or disinterest, then you might be able to tell him -- in not so many words, of course -- that he's got nothing to be embarrassed about, and that you still care about him.

Just sayin'.