Relationship? No thankyou!

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Erisad
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26 Apr 2011, 10:41 am

Grisha wrote:

I think that 90% of the struggle is simply finding the right person.

Amen.

Daryl_Blonder
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26 Apr 2011, 12:14 pm

OP, my feelings on this topic are in alignment with yours 100%.

If you do want a partner who can provide emotional support when you need it, but no requirement for commitment in any way, it is possible to find one who will meet you on these terms; someone who shares your need for "extreme" Aspie-style honesty in terms of your intentions. By its nature the relationship wouldn't be permanent; it would basically be a good time for you both.

In the meantime don't be too envious of people who have "real" relationships. The whole concept is misleading, and if you look really hard at people who have them, you will see stains of dysfunction. They're not together "just because." However genuinely in love two people may be, it's never based on altruism, which for me defeats the purpose of "true love."

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Say this again when you're 30.

I'll be 30 in a month and a half and I stand by my principles on this more than ever.

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Starlight-Supernova
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26 Apr 2011, 12:20 pm

sunshower wrote:

I don't think I'm cut out for a relationship. Lately I've been doubting whether I really want one at all. The experiences I've had in relationships (or semi-relationships) have been positive, but in the last one I had felt stifled. Basically I feel like I just want to be free to do whatever I want, play the field, hang out and hook up with whoever I feel like. I love my independence, and I feel like I have too strong an individual personality to be one of a pair.

It's weird because the way society is geared is that you're expected to be looking for a relationship when you're in your 20's, and I've always just sort of gone along with it without taking my personality into account and thinking really deeply about whether I actually want this.

The concept of a partnership feels and seems stifling to me, and I don't like the thought of sharing everything with another person, or having to have another person tag along with me all the time, no matter how much I liked that person.

I'm not doing this for promiscuity reasons, but more for a deeper sense of freedom and power. It's almost like life and people are a video game, and I love the concept of playing the game with the cheat code on so I can do anything I feel like - meet whoever, go wherever, do whatever, and have nobody to answer to but myself. I feel like if I was in a relationship with someone they would have control over me and shelter/smother me.

I feel like the only way I can grow as a person and find out who I truly am is to have to answer to nobody but myself. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to please other people at the expense of pleasing myself. I feel like I've done this so long that I don't even truly know what I like or want.

I've only very recently started to realize all this about myself. Are these feelings weird and unnatural? Or is it normal to feel this way?

I agree with you with most of these things but you will know when a relationship is special when you feel your partner is also a friend you can trust as well and have an understanding of independance to boot.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Apr 2011, 12:56 pm

Daryl_Blonder wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Say this again when you're 30.

Say this again when you're 60, when all your siblings (if you have any) married or moved and when your parents and most of your uncles/aunts are dead.

hyperlexian
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26 Apr 2011, 1:06 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Daryl_Blonder wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Say this again when you're 30.

Say this again when you're 60, when all your siblings (if you have any) married or moved and when your parents and most of your uncles/aunts are dead.

again, i agree. one thing to keep in mind is that it gets harder and harder to find people to date, much less casual partners as you get older and older. i think older people have their own kind of attractiveness, but society as a whole does not really agree with that. also most people end up married sooner or later, so the dating pool narrows. at age 20 to 30, the choice of partners is fairly broad. at 40, 50 or 60... not so much.

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Last edited by hyperlexian on 26 Apr 2011, 1:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Suomalainen
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26 Apr 2011, 1:20 pm

Daryl_Blonder wrote:

In the meantime don't be too envious of people who have "real" relationships. The whole concept is misleading, and if you look really hard at people who have them, you will see stains of dysfunction. They're not together "just because." However genuinely in love two people may be, it's never based on altruism, which for me defeats the purpose of "true love."

Well it depends how you define altruism, does altruism stop being altruism if you suddenly start to enjoy it? If person gets to this state, is it impossible for him or her to be altruistic in anyway? Since almost all people do get something out of giving to charity, does this mean that charity is not altruistic? So if one thinks this way, I guess you could say that when you start to love giving love much more than being in love, and even somewhat more than receiving love, I guess you could say that is not altruistic. Well I don't know, it sounds good enough for me whether it is altruistic or not, that's enough.

The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Apr 2011, 3:41 pm

Grisha wrote:

sunshower wrote:

I'd rather be alone unless I found someone I really wanted to be with.

I think that 90% of the struggle is simply finding the right person.

Maybe for most people, for those who can have dates (in contrast of those who spend most of their lives without having a single date..).

But for some here, 90% of the struggle is also finding any potential right person before even having the chance to find the true right person. So 90% of this + 90% of what you said ....whoa!!

Densha
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26 Apr 2011, 6:00 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Say this again when you're 60, when all your siblings (if you have any) married or moved and when your parents and most of your uncles/aunts are dead.

My aspergers does not compute.

aunts/uncles: ugh, extended family
siblings: luckily only child
being alone: yes please!

sunshower
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26 Apr 2011, 6:01 pm

MCalavera wrote:

sunshower wrote:

I feel like the only way I can grow as a person and find out who I truly am is to have to answer to nobody but myself. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to please other people at the expense of pleasing myself. I feel like I've done this so long that I don't even truly know what I like or want.

I'd like you to clarify this bit. Do you believe that you should be free from having moral responsibility?

Not at all. I have strong morals. I mean free to do what I feel like doing without having to compromise with another person. I also want to be free to experiment sexually and romantically in a non-committed sense..

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sunshower
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26 Apr 2011, 6:10 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Grisha wrote:

sunshower wrote:

I'd rather be alone unless I found someone I really wanted to be with.

I think that 90% of the struggle is simply finding the right person.

You're right Boo. I guess I am one of the very fortunate ones who can get suitors (at least in the very initial stages). I do think that some here (both male and female) have it harder than others in this sense. I know I am very lucky and I know it isn't fair that this stage at least is easier for me than it is for others. I don't think I've ever managed to move beyond this stage though in a way that wasn't either childhood romance (not a real functional adult relationship), or completely dysfunctional and damaging (I don't use these words lightly) from the point of crossing that line to the point where it was ended. I think this may be in part or perhaps even mostly because I haven't explored who I am yet.

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Gremmie
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26 Apr 2011, 6:41 pm

Sunshower - What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. It sounds like you know what you want right now. Honestly, that's pretty awesome. I used to think I wasn't cut out for relationships... I think I just wasn't ready for them. To me your feelings sound perfectly normal, but I can't claim to be entirely normal myself. Either way I don't think it matters. Also I'm quite sleepy so apologies if this reply isn't that coherent.

aussiebloke
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26 Apr 2011, 6:44 pm

I've totally given up wanting to please others it's just not worth it I've cut my losses and decided to go alone.

Imagine my Gp who's one of the only NT"'s that I've come close to trusting thinks I should cut my losses and ignore family etc (he know s the damage they did , even in a time of need they turned on me like pack animals that they can be, according to him their actions caused me to develop the refugee mindset (mentality?? ) he also said it's " draining to be around negative people" and his a very conservative religious family man .I think I am going to take heed of his advise

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ScottyMac
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04 Aug 2011, 8:28 pm

MXH wrote:

I feel the same way. While I do want a good relationship I feel that both I am not capable of one and I cant find someone worth it.

My thoughts exactly. I have women give me their phone numbers all the time, but I'd rather spend time alone and never have a plan. A female friend told me I'm "Incapable of a relationship" which I'm 100% fine with... just sucks when Mom and Dad apply constant pressure to get married and start cranking out grandchildren. If only my NT brother would have had a son and not 3 daughters, now it's up to me to carry on the name.

Tim_Tex
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05 Aug 2011, 12:33 am

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be smothered, or give up the things you like to do. And if a future partner doesn't like to do some of the things you like, you can still do them on your own.

MXH
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05 Aug 2011, 12:46 am

I would like to add that i envy OPs being able to have choices.

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