I'd rather be alone than settle

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yup



OP, if you don't want to be with someone, then don't be with someone. What's the problem?

I wish I had the ability to consciously decide whether or not to settle...

the whole idea of "lowering" standards comes from a misguided perception that people are independently rank-able. they aren't. a "10" to one person is a "1" to another person. there are trends in beauty but attractiveness is extremely subjective. popular media often tells us who we should find attractive and it often works to a degree, but you'll find public disagreement about those supposedly most attractive idols.

putting aside the idea of "lowering" standards, what i think is that anyone who seeks partners who are extremely specific in type will be ultimately disappointed. so if a person only seeks out 5'8", brunette, green-eyed women with freckles, broad shoulders and webbed toes... well, that is a recipe for loneliness.

i think that what the OP is seeking is to date the highly sought-after individuals. i think these people are sometimes perceived as higher rank than other people in a lot of cases. but trying to date only the most sought-after individuals in a group will also likely lead to heartbreak, because well... they are highly sought-after and often also desire a highly sought-after mate. this isn't universally true, but often it is the case. just like rich people often date rich people and educated people often date educated people.

OP, what you have said about having chemistry is all fine and dandy but... your attraction to someone is not equal to chemistry. chemistry is mutual attraction, which is completely different.

lastly though... OP, if you already hate everybody, why bother?

I agree with hyperlexian, especially with this:

Also...



Last time you talked about it, it was 20 points. What made you change your mind?

^^^ This is something I see a lot of with AS males. I've come to the conclusion that lack of real life dating/sexual experiences leaves some guys so mired in their fantasies that they hone their ideals down to more, more, more, and more specific traits, until they have an idea of perfection that excludes nearly every attractive woman in the world.

You guys don't need to lower your standards. You need to broaden them.

while true for some theres also the some of us that have very broad spectrum yet still fail at it.

my grandma told me today to 'wait for the right one and not settle'. repeatedly (she's very old). she was singing love songs to me at the same time.

think she was hinting that i'm getting on a bit

that was totally what i was trying to say, in my roundabout way, but i am not concise in my writing.

i think it is definitely a difficulty that some men and women have. i don't honestly know if AS men have this difficulty more so than NT men, but i've seen it often on WP (i don't frequent NT forums so i dunno if other people exhibit this level of specificity in choosing partners). i haven't seen it too much with AS women here, but they might just not talk about it much on the forums.

it may be related to perseverations and "special interests"/obsessions. but i firmly believe it will not lead to success in dating for a few reasons. firstly it leads to seeking out partners who fit a certain physical ideal, but who may not be compatible in terms of personality or lifestyle. secondly those specific types are difficult to find - they are rare by nature (if they were more common then it is less likely anyone would have problems dating one of them). thirdly it fetishises those types so they stop being individuals and it is a massive turnoff to any individual who realises they have been objectified to that degree.

once again, i've wordily explained what you summarised in a sentence.

This.

Dating women you don't feel any attraction towards may be politically correct today, but it is actually doing them a disservice. The less chemistry you feel for your girlfriend, the less passion you will show towards her and the more likely you will be to cheat on her in favor of a more attractive woman. I'm not saying you should never associate with unattractive women, as it is possible to be platonic friends with the opposite sex, but the essential difference between dating and friendship is that physical attraction is present in the former.

That being said, to repeat what I said in response to a previous thread by the OP author, I'm not terribly picky about personality when it comes to women. I probably would get along better with a nerdy girl than with, say, a preppy one, but as long as she treats me well and looks good then I don't care whether she's preppy or nerdy.

How can this be politically correct?

I'd never advise anybody to date people they're not attracted to. I could never date a guy I'm not attracted to, no matter how great his personality is.

However, people shouldn't be so fixated on one specific type, which isn't really a type, it's more of a list of (physical) features. First of all, it lowers your chances of finding someone. Imagine she's two inches taller of your ideal or, *gasp* she's a blonde instead of brunette! Or her breasts are C cup instead of D. Or maybe she prefers to wear her hair a bit shorter than your ideal.

Second of all, like hyperlexian said, it can lead to heavy objectification. And it's bad and disgusting to treat humans that way - not to mention nobody likes this. Even the prettiest girl, even the one who is proud of her looks, want men to be interested in HER and not her physical appearance (in a way that another girl who looks similar would satisfy you just as easily).

I do think attraction can be built (through media and official standards of beauty), and I do think a great portion of it is constructed and not instinctive. I mean, I do have my types and standards, but is eye colour THAT much of a factor? (Or any other similar feature). Enough to turn a girl down?

My mother constantly criticizes me for taking physical attractiveness into account when selecting girlfriends, so I get the impression that physical attraction is considered politically incorrect at least to some people.



You make a valid point there. However, while I can't speak for the OP author, my own personal type isn't extremely narrow. I may say I want an attractive black girlfriend, but things like breast or butt size, hairstyle, or exact skin color aren't really deal-breakers for me. As long as she looks fit and isn't really light-skinned (i.e. paler than caramel), then I'm happy, and I've seen plenty of girls like that.

Well, your mother shouldn't dictate who you're attracted to, and I do believe physical attraction is important. However, it's NOT the only important thing. So maybe she's trying to tell you you should judge the girls based on their character more than their looks. (I don't know, you know her better).



Well, having a strong preference for only one race (even if it's your own) can be seen as a red flag, to be honest. For various reasons. (And I could talk about it for hours).

I'm not saying you're problematic, but that's the first thing I notice here.

No human being should be used as practice. Hurting someone in that way would be a truely horrible thing to do. Although wishes don't often come true, I would wish for anyone who would do such a horrible thing, to be treated badly by someone in return.

OP if you find someone you are interested in and they are interested in you then date them. It is pretty much that simple. If you never find anyone where the attraction and desire to date is mutual then you have stated you don't need this in your life any way.

Really some things are not that complex.

It was mentioned as a casual fling, meaning it was made to be an encounter for sex and sex only. Both parties aware of this why is it wrong to do so?

That's why I used the word Casual, both parties should have a mutual understanding that it is only a casual arrangement so neither of them become emotionally attached. I'm not saying that the OP should use anyone, I'm saying he has got a better chance if he lowers his standards and dates women based on compatibility and connectivity.

Just because one person thinks/understands something is a casual fling, that does not mean the other person is aware of it. Unless it is a clear and mutual understanding by both parties, then one should never assume that is the case.


I can see it now. "Hey less attractive girl, can I practice on you so I know what I'm doing with prettier girls?"

I'm sure she would be so thrilled and feel great about herself to be considered practice for something better.