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Trust after abuse

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TeaEarlGreyHot
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29 Jan 2012, 2:33 am

unduki wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
How do you learn to trust again after an abusive relationship?


I think abusive relationships teach us caution. Not trusting people isn't the worst thing in the world.

Waiting at least 6 months is a good idea. If someone's going to screw you over, they'll usually do it within 6 months but I was married for about 15 years before my ex had his mid-life crisis and became untrustworthy, so I guess there are no sure things when it comes to humans, ever.

Baby steps are another good idea. YOU be the master of how big a step you should be taking. Don't let anyone rush you beyond what you're comfortable. If they try, they don't have your best interests at heart.


I've known him for 7 months at this point. My sister has known him for years.

He's certainly not rushing me. That's the fastest way to push me away, really.


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TeaEarlGreyHot
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29 Jan 2012, 2:35 am

abacacus wrote:
When you say you worry about yourself being abusive, do mean physically or mentally/emotionally?


Emotionally. I can be quite cold at times. :oops:


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29 Jan 2012, 2:37 am

I think no-one here is shocked/offended if you're cold. Though we don't know how your partner feels about it.


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abacacus
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29 Jan 2012, 2:38 am

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
abacacus wrote:
When you say you worry about yourself being abusive, do mean physically or mentally/emotionally?


Emotionally. I can be quite cold at times. :oops:


A common trait among aspies.

Hmm....

Have you tried anger management before? Or do you tend to be cold when unprovoked as well?


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29 Jan 2012, 2:42 am

Tegh What I was rambling about is that even though my man is terrific, my past abuse stops me from enjoying him fully and I will always have to remind myself his actions are not abusive. It is hard and I dont think I will ever be 100%.


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TeaEarlGreyHot
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29 Jan 2012, 2:45 am

abacacus wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
abacacus wrote:
When you say you worry about yourself being abusive, do mean physically or mentally/emotionally?


Emotionally. I can be quite cold at times. :oops:


A common trait among aspies.

Hmm....

Have you tried anger management before? Or do you tend to be cold when unprovoked as well?


I did anger management before. I wouldn't say it helped much as I don't think that's really my problem. I tend to be distant and if something is important to me I disregard the other person's feelings on the issue.

Regardless, this isn't what I was referring to. When one is used to being abused, they tend to build up reactionary impulses that, in and of themselves, can be abusive. I've come to the point where I just can't blame everything on my ex anymore and have to face up to the part I played in the break-up of my marriage.

Beyond that, there's also my meltdowns. Yes, I still have them on occasion and they can get pretty bad. :?


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TeaEarlGreyHot
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29 Jan 2012, 2:46 am

Solvejg wrote:
Tegh What I was rambling about is that even though my man is terrific, my past abuse stops me from enjoying him fully and I will always have to remind myself his actions are not abusive. It is hard and I dont think I will ever be 100%.


:( Oh.


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29 Jan 2012, 2:46 am

Edited.



Last edited by Tequila on 29 Jan 2012, 2:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

TeaEarlGreyHot
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29 Jan 2012, 2:47 am

Tequila wrote:
....


Can we please not get this moved to Adult?


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29 Jan 2012, 2:50 am

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

I did anger management before. I wouldn't say it helped much as I don't think that's really my problem. I tend to be distant and if something is important to me I disregard the other person's feelings on the issue.

Regardless, this isn't what I was referring to. When one is used to being abused, they tend to build up reactionary impulses that, in and of themselves, can be abusive. I've come to the point where I just can't blame everything on my ex anymore and have to face up to the part I played in the break-up of my marriage.

Beyond that, there's also my meltdowns. Yes, I still have them on occasion and they can get pretty bad. :?


Meltdowns happen, I'd suggest you make that *very* clear to him if you ever intent to be more than friends with him. It involves understanding on his part as well as effort on yours.

I wish I could be of more help, but I'm pretty much out of ideas. I don't have enough experience in your position to be an accurate judge of what may help.


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29 Jan 2012, 2:51 am

I have trouble trusting myself too. [This is where I would say more but I don't know how to put it vaguely enough so I'll just say yes I understand what you mean I think.] Sorry to state the obvious but I thought I'd mention books on relevant matters (the more specific the better) have been highly helpful to me in such matters. Especially ones that really thoroughly investigate relationship dynamics from all angles without placing blame but marking what is healthy vs unhealthy.



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29 Jan 2012, 2:58 am

purchase wrote:
I have trouble trusting myself too. [This is where I would say more but I don't know how to put it vaguely enough so I'll just say yes I understand what you mean I think.] Sorry to state the obvious but I thought I'd mention books on relevant matters (the more specific the better) have been highly helpful to me in such matters. Especially ones that really thoroughly investigate relationship dynamics from all angles without placing blame but marking what is healthy vs unhealthy.


Thanks. I'll look into that.


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29 Jan 2012, 4:01 am

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

Unfortunately, I understand far too well the motivations and that's what's got me so mistrustful. Aside from the abuse, a lot was kept from me.

I also don't really know if I can trust myself. My own judgement, my ability to be in a healthy relationship, and I fear I could be abusive. (this sounds absurd but abuse is never one-sided)


After a bad relationship it took me 8 years to be able to trust someone enough to have a relationship with them but that relationship turned out just as (if not more) unhealthy and abusive and now I would not trust my judgement or trust someone else, certainly not before my kids are grown up, I would not want to risk them getting scared or attached (and then hurt) to anyone again. I dont think that is particularly healthy but I think it is the only way for me, I just dont want to go through stuff like that any more.



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29 Jan 2012, 4:12 am

The-Raven wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

Unfortunately, I understand far too well the motivations and that's what's got me so mistrustful. Aside from the abuse, a lot was kept from me.

I also don't really know if I can trust myself. My own judgement, my ability to be in a healthy relationship, and I fear I could be abusive. (this sounds absurd but abuse is never one-sided)


After a bad relationship it took me 8 years to be able to trust someone enough to have a relationship with them but that relationship turned out just as (if not more) unhealthy and abusive and now I would not trust my judgement or trust someone else, certainly not before my kids are grown up, I would not want to risk them getting scared or attached (and then hurt) to anyone again. I dont think that is particularly healthy but I think it is the only way for me, I just dont want to go through stuff like that any more.


My ex husband isn't my first abusive relationship. He was just the last... and the worst. Possibly because I let it go on for as long as I did (10 years...)


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29 Jan 2012, 4:14 am

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
My ex husband isn't my first abusive relationship. He was just the last... and the worst. Possibly because I let it go on for as long as I did (10 years...)


Do you really feel the need to have a partner? You could well decide not to bother with the whole thing if you can make yourself happy without someone.



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29 Jan 2012, 4:36 am

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
The-Raven wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:

Unfortunately, I understand far too well the motivations and that's what's got me so mistrustful. Aside from the abuse, a lot was kept from me.

I also don't really know if I can trust myself. My own judgement, my ability to be in a healthy relationship, and I fear I could be abusive. (this sounds absurd but abuse is never one-sided)


After a bad relationship it took me 8 years to be able to trust someone enough to have a relationship with them but that relationship turned out just as (if not more) unhealthy and abusive and now I would not trust my judgement or trust someone else, certainly not before my kids are grown up, I would not want to risk them getting scared or attached (and then hurt) to anyone again. I dont think that is particularly healthy but I think it is the only way for me, I just dont want to go through stuff like that any more.


My ex husband isn't my first abusive relationship. He was just the last... and the worst. Possibly because I let it go on for as long as I did (10 years...)

all my long term relationships have been abusive, I did not know any of them would be, they were all nice enough when I met them, I have no idea how i could be SURE of another man, I have no idea how much of the stuff is caused by my behaviour. I have had therapy and done long self examinations but there are no firm conclusions on how to not make the same thing happen again. I will just get a dog for companionship as the price for human relationships are not worth it for me.