Aspie female dating NT male... Communication nonexistent.

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You could try pointing out his shortcomings & see how he responds to it. If he gets upset with you over it; tell him that he does the same to you & you'll stop it if he does

ok, so here's my take on this. you've been dating for only 2 weeks - it is far too early for him to know much about you, so the idea that he is already criticising you is a bit appalling. you don't need any advice from him at this stage - you need some nice company and fun activities and a cup of coffee with conversation.

the way he manipulates conversation and teaches his friends to pick up women also makes me question his intentions. he sounds like he likes being able to control situations (and possibly people). maybe he likes to hold the cards and make the decisions. if you ever did improve to the point that he had no more advice for you, i suspect he wouldn't be happy with the person he helped to create because i suspect he is helping you with things like confidence... and a confident person can't be shaped like that anymore.

***

MaxShock, i would like to say that you gave some massively good advice on this thread. you remind me why we value our younger members along with the more..... uh, seasoned folk (like myself ).

also, this rings true to me.

Last edited by hyperlexian on 11 Mar 2012, 11:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's hard to answer this usefully without saying you're 21 so of course you feel like that. You don't get along perfectly, you just really like him. You shouldn't be sifting through emotions and working on issues until you've been married for ten years. After two weeks, at your age, if it feels like work it won't last. I suggest you kid yourself about this for a while so you can keep having sex with him until the bad bits get too painfully dramatic. That's what I'd do.

i agree, and i pretty much flagged the same thing.

Honestly people, it is not our place to say what relationship will work out and not work out. The poster is asking for advice for help with the relationship as is. It is also clear that the poster likes this guy. We are not the poster, and we can't see what she is thinking, and we don't know the guy as well. We only have a vague idea based on a few sentences of information.

With that said, I find it ironic that this guy is pushing your social skills so far when in fact he seems like he may have a social skills deficit. I wonder if he is also an Aspie that has just worked super hard on masking who he really is. I think sometimes, we feel so inadequate that we push ourselves far outside our comfort zones and while this is usually a good thing, this can also be a good thing. He might feel like he is trying to make up for lost opportunities in high school.

Anyway, the most important thing in a relationship is communication. So, more than anything, tell him your thoughts on his advice and tell him that you're just taking baby steps but you appreciate the help he is giving you.

+1

two weeks of changing each other… seems to me that both would like to have someone else than the one they got.

run.

Honey,

As some who has studied Psych herself, I really want to tell you a couple of things here.

First, him studying Psych is never an excuse or reason for him to "help" or criticise you unless you have specifically asked him to, and I don't mean asked for help in a general sense or issue, I mean on a situational basis. Eg. If you need help when you're with his friends, whisper in his ear "I need help here, what is the best way to deal with ...?".

It's really not a good idea to let him "coach" you on your social issues in general because it will inevitably end up a huge mess.

Also, please read some of this http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#Introduction
Ask him to read through some of that site also.
For those who are too lazy to click the link and read:

"We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:

We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
We are ignored
We are judged
We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

People with high IQ and low EQ tend to use logic to address emotional issues. They may say, "You are not being rational. There is no reason for you to feel the way you do. Let's look at the facts."

The fact is that you can't solve an emotional problem, or heal an emotional wound, with logic."

Him calling you over sensitive is invalidation.

It's a bad idea for him to be offering to help you (in the general sense) without first asking a bucketload of questions so that he understands how you see the world. How is he going to help you constructively if he can't even understand where you're coming from? I think you need to get him to understand (if possible) the way you see the world.

That is step one in helping someone constructively. You have to understand (and relate to if possible) to where they are coming from. You accept how they feel. You address their feelings and work through them. Then you address their logic and word through that. Then you try to figure out a solution and give them some options. They choose what option to take.

Helping someone by using "constructive criticism" is one thing. But if you take out the "constructive" part, then all he is doing is criticising you. It doesn't sound like he is being constructive, even if he means well.

+1 (well said)

He also needs to take a look at what he thinks are problems and determine whether they really are, or if they are just things that you do that he doesn't.
YES. I've been thinking of a way to articulate this. Thank you for saying that. I do feel like he doesn't completely understanding Aspie me, and that some of my AS traits might be mistaken for bad traits. That'll take time and many conversations for him to understand and truly appreciate it.

I also agree on the compliment for every piece of advice... But the last time he did that, it was foreshadowed by a night that I was really shut out from everyone.. (IE, "You were talking to everyone, instead of just sitting by me and shutting down..")
He complimented me with an insult? Definitely something to work on as well.

I've struggled with this point for a good while now. When he first told me about the conversation manipulation and "Game" as he calls it (picking up chicks), I was really put off. But he reassured me, he's not the kind of person to really pick up a girl and sleep with her just for the game's sake. Still, knowing that stuff.. What's the purpose? Biting the hand that feeds? I still struggle. But he's been teaching me the positive aspects of it, and in essence, it really is a great knowledge to have. The ability to make a person have a great conversation with you, not only for love's sake, but also in professional environments.
As for my confidence, I like to hope that's not the case. I am a very strong, powerful, and comfortable person. I know who I am and am proud of it. I am outspoken and inspired!
But, as many people can relate to me with, speaking with people in normal social situations has always been... let's say... difficult for me. When I saw Brian's abilities I knew he could help me, and so did he. I feel like it's less of a "project" and more of a friend helping out a friend.

I can relate to the socially awkward feelings and how certain "mentors" can really help. In my case it has been a 17 year long (and counting) relationship with a business partner. After observing him for years my own social interactions have improved immensely to the point where I honestly don't think anyone would ever realize the difficulties I once had.

That said, something in my gut says that it would be very difficult to have a marital/significant other partner as a "social mentor." I just don't think it would work. I think the emotional ties that go with that type of relationship would make for a very difficult mentoring relationship.

Thank you for understanding the purpose of posting this in the forum, and thank you for the advice.
It's funny that you say he might be an aspie, when I told him I had AS and he did some research he said he really related to everything said in the writings. He was demure as a child, barely able to speak at all to strangers. He does acknowledge this as a inspiring aspect of why he chose to become so aware of conversational psychology. I'll bring your point up to him, thank you.

Congratulations on 17 years, that's really beautiful. Could you propose some points to support your claim?

I'd be happy to. But since my social mentor is a business partner, I'm not sure this is a good forum to discuss it in more detail here where the focus is on love and dating. Can you let me know a little more about what kinds of points would be helpful to hear from me and I'd be happy reply to you in a PM, if that's ok.

if you are turning to a brand new boyfriend for advice as to how to behave, that shows a lack of confidence in your own judgement. you are deferring to his guidance, which creates a power imbalance. you've put him above you.

i tend to think that if PUA material was designed for people to have great conversations, it would be marketed as such. do you have any mutual friends that can verify he didn't pick up women for sex with his material?

EDIT: changed "chicks" to "women" lol

That website you directed me to is amazing, thank you for that.
We really did skip the preliminary background for it, which we really should have taken care of. I don't think we were thinking clearly enough.