Why wont he answer me?

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Nope. It's a un-learning curve for us NTs. We've been conditioned to expect certain things - even tiny things, like a brief response to an email - that we have to unlearn. If he got it while at work, or engrossed in something else, a response requires multitasking - a complex task neurologically. That is how it is okay to not respond. Just always remind yourself of all the other ways he shows his love, and forgive him for the ways he does not, or cannot. Maybe you can show your love in other ways too - like respecting his silences.

I can only speculate, but I'd guess his past relationships ended, fundamentally, because his partners did not have it in them to accept and love so unconditionally. I'd guess they said mean things to him, that he sort of believes, blames himself, and may not understand what happened well enough to explain. Definitely save that conversation for when you're in a "safe zone."

Hyperlexian-knowing his personality I can see why he might be Leary of certain questions. Wanting to know why I'm asking. He has a bit of paranoia going on and depending on what happened in the last relationship-like what waitykatie said, he may not understand what happened well enough to explain. Bookworm-you made
a lot of good points:
Silent boundaries
Creating an emotional safe space
Choosing when to push what and when
Just to name a few. I know he would never intentionally hurt me. I truly believe he's doing the. Best he can. Maybe even trying to do things differently this time?
I love coming here, you guys know how to talk me off of the ledge.

Exactly as above. I know from my own exprience that the beginning of a relationship can be very stressfull. Trying to work out intentions, doubts to sort through, overwhelming feellings that typically are dormant. All this can cause what I call "brain freeze", where I just shut down and need to decompress for awhile. I would drop it for now, but bring it up in person later.

Last edited by Maerlyn138 on 26 Apr 2012, 11:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That happens to me all the time... particularly when I check my mail late at night and go to sleep, then next morning I don't see the message and don't remember about it until I'm already in bed at night.

This all makes perfect sense. The waffling, the struggling-I can imagine him going through this. And yes things are very new so I can understand the caution.

This too, some things need a long, detailed answer written in terms that aren't too convoluted. And that takes time...



This pretty much sums it up... I have a draft for a reply to a post on some other forum which I started writing over a year ago, and I stilll haven't finished... and nowadays, I don't think it's worth it anymore,

My biggest fear is pushing too much. I guess I feel that I put so much out there for him. I'm just waiting to get a little from him.

Oh dearest, do I know that feeling. It may interest you to read the story/question I posted tonight (NT female seeks input on AS male's fears). It may give you a sense of what "time" and "wait" and "patience" really mean. Also, the responses have been great.

Lol. I mentioned I come here every day....I've already read it...been following responses too!

Even though I am an aspie I find this behaviour just as mystifying as you. I have no problems talking about emotional topics in a relationship so I find people who do difficult to understand.

My theory is that people who are like this simply don't find these topics interesting in any way, because their brains aren't wired that way. In much the same way that I don't find internal combustion engines (or whatever) interesting. If someone sent me a lot of emails about internal combustion engines I would probably gradually stop replying as well because it doesn't seem like an important subject to me, and I have better things to do than talk to someone about something that doesn't interest me in the slightest.

It's just an theory, dunno if it's true or not. But I find the analogy useful.

it happens to me in real life too. sometimes i ask people straight-up "why do you need to know that?" and such. or i repeat the question to give me time to answer. it is weird, but simple questions can make me feel hounded/judged/startled/etc

hmmm...okay I get it. And see I have so many questions that I haven't asked because I thought it might come off as the 3rd degree. So I choose very carefully the questions I feel I need answers to. I never thought of explaining why I needed to know. Maybe I should start doing that, it may help. The way I operate is I'll ask you what's your favorite (fill in the blank) and then one day I'll surprise you with it. So since I'm trying to surprise you I 'm not going to tell you whay I need to know something, I'll just ask and put it in the 'vault' so to speak for later. I'm not maipulative and so I guess I don't feel anyone should be threatened by my questions. When I ask something it's usually going to benefit you in some way later on. But I don't think he understands this about me just yet.

The comforting thing is that after I ask the quesions and then get no response, our interactions are still positive. Meaning I'll talk to him in person and it's not awkward. He doesn't seem upset and if I email something else I'll get a response. It's like nothing ever happened.

If this was a situation between NT's, I think with the non responsiveness there would be some tension or even some avoidance of any contact, in person or otherwise. Because as mentioned, in the NT world, not responding can be interprted as being rude.

I can't speak for others, but personally, I don't like surprises. I'd rather know beforehand what I'll be getting, and when, so I can be prepared. Being expectant is more pleasing than being surprised...

point taken. Not everyone is like me and likes surprises!

There are times when I just can't handle the internet and I have to go offline for days at a time. I don't respond to anything when this happens, because I'm not even checking. It could just be something like that.

Thing with that is I usually put read receipt request on the emails so I know he reads them. He just doesn't respond. For a minute there I thought that we weren't on that "level" yet. But then I'm thinking he told about his AS something no one but family knows. I thought that put us in a pretty trusting situation.