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Zinnel
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24 Jul 2012, 3:51 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
I have to side with MightyMorphin on this.

While I'm sure you know not every guy being nice to you or just talking to you wants to date you, you have to get the timing right as well as the wording.

If you are in a neutral environment like a group, class, wedding, bbq etc. and someone is just talking to you, don't say anything. When they start making body contact and asking about your love life you can simply say "nah I really don't like that sort of thing I just like having my friends and family". If they take that as a sign you are more into one night stands and make any body contact just say "what are you doing?" and if they say they thought it was ok just say "no" or "sorry, no" or "i have to go to the bathroom" or just excuse yourself.

Seriously, don't reject people in normal circumstances without good cause. It will come across as very immature (it tends to be high school girls that do this) and also it will come across as vain and shallow. It will not only scare guys off from being your friends it will also leave a bad impression with other people in your vicinity as well. "Oh that girl think she's so pretty" and so forth.


Well I see what you mean, and I am not the type to reject people....in my case I probably have more of a problem with not rejecting people where appropriate in an effort not to disappoint them. I mean a relationship would not work if I was playing along because I don't want to disappoint the guy if that makes sense. But yeah I just don't want to keep having the same types of situations, and I clearly cannot keep doing what I am doing........but then of course I should not automatically reject anyone who talks to me.


Didn't you post awhile back that you were thinking you were asexual, if so I would just state that when things start to seem to be going away from just friends.


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AngelKnight
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24 Jul 2012, 2:56 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Well I see what you mean, and I am not the type to reject people....in my case I probably have more of a problem with not rejecting people where appropriate in an effort not to disappoint them. I mean a relationship would not work if I was playing along because I don't want to disappoint the guy if that makes sense. But yeah I just don't want to keep having the same types of situations, and I clearly cannot keep doing what I am doing........but then of course I should not automatically reject anyone who talks to me.


It isn't so much about rejection as setting the bounds clearly about what's appropriate in the relationship-with-you-as-a-friend and what's not. Leading someone on (accidentally or otherwise) isn't particularly nice either, although frankly that usually requires more than one person to make errors; around half of it is in one person's mind and half is in another's. Plato's Cave thing and all that.

Timing "The Message" well so that it's not unnecessarily demeaning to yourself or to the other person is sort-of tricky. No advice for that bit other than, "yup, it's not easy all the time."



Sweetleaf
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24 Jul 2012, 3:07 pm

AngelKnight wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well I see what you mean, and I am not the type to reject people....in my case I probably have more of a problem with not rejecting people where appropriate in an effort not to disappoint them. I mean a relationship would not work if I was playing along because I don't want to disappoint the guy if that makes sense. But yeah I just don't want to keep having the same types of situations, and I clearly cannot keep doing what I am doing........but then of course I should not automatically reject anyone who talks to me.


It isn't so much about rejection as setting the bounds clearly about what's appropriate in the relationship-with-you-as-a-friend and what's not. Leading someone on (accidentally or otherwise) isn't particularly nice either, although frankly that usually requires more than one person to make errors; around half of it is in one person's mind and half is in another's. Plato's Cave thing and all that.

Timing "The Message" well so that it's not unnecessarily demeaning to yourself or to the other person is sort-of tricky. No advice for that bit other than, "yup, it's not easy all the time."


Well I don't even know what to call what I did other than leading on....I mean that's essentially what it was, hence why I feel bad about it. But I should probably also admit there was alcohol involved, both of us were way too drunk and it was stupid on both our parts I think.


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JanuaryMan
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24 Jul 2012, 3:12 pm

marshall, I'd venture that guess, too lol...but there have been plenty of situations where I am talking in groups on a night out and I don't find the person attractive at all. I'm not even being overly nice to them and they'll bring it up however irrelevant it is. It boils down to 1 of 3 things:

1) Person being rejected being creepy and person rejecting wanting to distance his/herself early.
2) Person actually being forward and 2nd person rejecting (genuine circumstances).
3) Person rejecting has a complex and thinks everyone likes them or any person of their preferred sex talking to them likes them that way.

In your case, SweetLeaf, I think you just need to learn when to be assertive, and when to not even bring it up. It sounds like you are have trouble rejecting people so it is a case of saying "what are you doing?" or "oh I didn't mean it like that.." at the right times.