Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

I can't stand being asked out, is it normal?

Page 2 of 3 [ 33 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Aspiedude2011
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jul 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 46

21 Jul 2012, 11:28 pm

For me as a guy with AS I have huge social anxieties. And the thought of ME asking anyone out bothers me entirely. I'm currently having a mental breakdown as a result of such a fear because I'm attracted to a girl (this isn't the first time either) and what makes it harder for me is that girls WON'T ask me out because that's not what the social rules are in dating. Heck there are quite a few girls who pay me attention but not romantically. I wish they would, I wish they would ask me out. But that's not going to happen. I hear that you have a lot of social anxiety about being asked out... But to be honest... Sometimes you have to just get through it because it won't stop. And in all honesty just because they don't know you and they ask you out doesn't mean they see you as a piece of meat, they may just want to GET to know you. I'm not trying to be mean or belittle your feelings because they are very real, and I understand them. But we have to learn how to cope with it. If we don't they we just cause ourselves more anxiety and stress.



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

22 Jul 2012, 12:40 am

HisDivineMajesty wrote:
Every user guide to this section of the forum could be summarized as 'do not enter'.
It's a war zone because of bitter guys arguing with succesful girls and the occasional troll to fuel the flame pit.



Actually, I would not consider myself successful in the realm of dating by any standards. I think part of the problem is that many men here assume that women just have to sit there and look pretty to get asked out by someone (who they also assume would only pose a positive element in her life) and they refuse to believe that that's just not true.



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

22 Jul 2012, 12:56 am

keep it civil, people.

meh, second edit. just that ^^^ should be fine.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


MightyMorphin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Apr 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 570

22 Jul 2012, 6:47 am

HisDivineMajesty wrote:
Every user guide to this section of the forum could be summarized as 'do not enter'.
It's a war zone because of bitter guys arguing with succesful girls and the occasional troll to fuel the flame pit.


That's exactly how I see it. There's one particular user who has posted in this thread, who paints their bitterness everywhere they post. It's really quite annoying. :x

As for me, I'm not successful. Girls use me because I'm quite gullible and they think it's funny to play mind games with me, guys pretend to play interest in me (even though I'm lesbian) and use me as their "tool" or "instrument" as so they have called me. I have been taken advantage of more than enough times that I've kinda put this wall up now.
I have only had 1 girlfriend and it lasted 3 months. We only saw each other 3 times in that space of time.

I've been single 2 years and I can see myself still being single for a long time more. I do try making friends and getting into the dating scene but it hasn't worked.

I do find I feel uneasy when someone says they like me or something, and I don't like them back. I just wanna run a mile and never speak to them again. :lol:



wintermutetower
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 34

22 Jul 2012, 8:29 am

Aspiedude2011 wrote:
For me as a guy with AS I have huge social anxieties. And the thought of ME asking anyone out bothers me entirely. I'm currently having a mental breakdown as a result of such a fear because I'm attracted to a girl (this isn't the first time either) and what makes it harder for me is that girls WON'T ask me out because that's not what the social rules are in dating. Heck there are quite a few girls who pay me attention but not romantically. I wish they would, I wish they would ask me out. But that's not going to happen. I hear that you have a lot of social anxiety about being asked out... But to be honest... Sometimes you have to just get through it because it won't stop. And in all honesty just because they don't know you and they ask you out doesn't mean they see you as a piece of meat, they may just want to GET to know you. I'm not trying to be mean or belittle your feelings because they are very real, and I understand them. But we have to learn how to cope with it. If we don't they we just cause ourselves more anxiety and stress.
I know a lot of guys are really anxious about the asking out part. I feel way more comfortable doing the asking out than being asked out, maybe the whole rest of the world should give it a try too, and everyone could feel better :P



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

22 Jul 2012, 9:19 am

redrobin62 wrote:
Consider yourself lucky. A lot of us on the spectum get outright ignored. We're the abandoned puppies in the shelter that potential adoptive families ignore. We're the kids in the gym who get ignored when it comes to being picked for a team. We're the diners in a restaurant who sit there forever while others get served. We're the ones who gèt splashed on by passing cars in the rain. Consider yourself lucky.


Speak for yourself!



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

22 Jul 2012, 9:22 am

Sometimes, wintermute, it's not that they are a bad pick for you right? It's just you don't know if you're ready, or if someone else is waiting to ask you out as well?

I had terrible problems being asked by girls in the past even though a lot of guys here would kill for it. Because I was so bogged down with social expectations on me even if the girl was pretty I wouldn't even know if it was "okay" for me to date her or not. So it might not be the same reasons as you but back then yes I did find it hard to ask out or be asked out.



Uprising
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,908

22 Jul 2012, 9:29 am

JanuaryMan wrote:
redrobin62 wrote:
Consider yourself lucky. A lot of us on the spectum get outright ignored. We're the abandoned puppies in the shelter that potential adoptive families ignore. We're the kids in the gym who get ignored when it comes to being picked for a team. We're the diners in a restaurant who sit there forever while others get served. We're the ones who gèt splashed on by passing cars in the rain. Consider yourself lucky.


Speak for yourself!

Lol, sadly enough, he's right.

We are getting shat on 24/7 figuratively when we are out in public.



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

22 Jul 2012, 9:34 am

Uprising wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
redrobin62 wrote:
Consider yourself lucky. A lot of us on the spectum get outright ignored. We're the abandoned puppies in the shelter that potential adoptive families ignore. We're the kids in the gym who get ignored when it comes to being picked for a team. We're the diners in a restaurant who sit there forever while others get served. We're the ones who gèt splashed on by passing cars in the rain. Consider yourself lucky.


Speak for yourself!

Lol, sadly enough, he's right.

We are getting shat on 24/7 figuratively when we are out in public.


I won't deny it's a common problem for us, but I don't get that treatment any more. And I'm fairly positive with the right guidance and steps a lot of people wouldn't get that either.



ShamelessGit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jul 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 718
Location: Kansas

22 Jul 2012, 9:54 am

I always thought it made more sense for girls to do the asking out because they are more picky. There would be less rejection and girls would probably get the guys they wanted more often. It seems like every girl has different expectations for her partners and there is no way a guy could know what they are when he first introduces himself. A lot of girls don't seem to realize that their personal preferences in a partner are arbitrary and that it's unfair to expect other people to know what they are.

From reading the thread it seems like the obvious solution is to kindly and directly reject the guys who make you feel uncomfortable, and then to ask the dudes out you are attracted to yourself.

And I am wondering, is it possible for a guy to ask you out in a way that would not creep you out? What would be the ideal way for him to do it?



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

22 Jul 2012, 8:39 pm

ShamelessGit wrote:
I always thought it made more sense for girls to do the asking out because they are more picky. There would be less rejection and girls would probably get the guys they wanted more often. It seems like every girl has different expectations for her partners and there is no way a guy could know what they are when he first introduces himself. A lot of girls don't seem to realize that their personal preferences in a partner are arbitrary and that it's unfair to expect other people to know what they are.

From reading the thread it seems like the obvious solution is to kindly and directly reject the guys who make you feel uncomfortable, and then to ask the dudes out you are attracted to yourself.

And I am wondering, is it possible for a guy to ask you out in a way that would not creep you out? What would be the ideal way for him to do it?

when the roles are reversed, apparently the men get more picky. but i'd argue that men can be pretty picky when they decide who to ask out, anyways.

good advice, though. i am more comfortable being in control of who i date, so i tend to do the approaching. it puts me in the driver's seat.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

22 Jul 2012, 9:14 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
ShamelessGit wrote:
I always thought it made more sense for girls to do the asking out because they are more picky. There would be less rejection and girls would probably get the guys they wanted more often. It seems like every girl has different expectations for her partners and there is no way a guy could know what they are when he first introduces himself. A lot of girls don't seem to realize that their personal preferences in a partner are arbitrary and that it's unfair to expect other people to know what they are.

From reading the thread it seems like the obvious solution is to kindly and directly reject the guys who make you feel uncomfortable, and then to ask the dudes out you are attracted to yourself.

And I am wondering, is it possible for a guy to ask you out in a way that would not creep you out? What would be the ideal way for him to do it?

when the roles are reversed, apparently the men get more picky. but i'd argue that men can be pretty picky when they decide who to ask out, anyways.

good advice, though. i am more comfortable being in control of who i date, so i tend to do the approaching. it puts me in the driver's seat.


In my experience, the average caucasian man is incredibly picky. Especially in my area, they tend to have expectations that most women can't meet. But do I complain? No. I don't fault men for having standards even if I can't meet them. I have my own standards, and one of them is, I don't date men who have standards I can't or won't meet.



spongy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,055
Location: Patiently waiting for the seventh wave

23 Jul 2012, 12:18 am

ShamelessGit wrote:
I always thought it made more sense for girls to do the asking out because they are more picky. There would be less rejection and girls would probably get the guys they wanted more often. It seems like every girl has different expectations for her partners and there is no way a guy could know what they are when he first introduces himself. A lot of girls don't seem to realize that their personal preferences in a partner are arbitrary and that it's unfair to expect other people to know what they are.

From reading the thread it seems like the obvious solution is to kindly and directly reject the guys who make you feel uncomfortable, and then to ask the dudes out you are attracted to yourself.

And I am wondering, is it possible for a guy to ask you out in a way that would not creep you out? What would be the ideal way for him to do it?

Maybe its a local thing but Ive found that its usually best to try to keep it as simple as possible(a beverage of choice/whatever rather than invite her for a full meal if you dont know her) and most girls tend to react well if you arent being pushy about it(a somewhat cocky-funny attitude can help and trying to show that you understand her position if she says no seems to be the least uncomfortable approach)



ShamelessGit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jul 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 718
Location: Kansas

24 Jul 2012, 12:17 pm

Chronos wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
ShamelessGit wrote:
I always thought it made more sense for girls to do the asking out because they are more picky. There would be less rejection and girls would probably get the guys they wanted more often. It seems like every girl has different expectations for her partners and there is no way a guy could know what they are when he first introduces himself. A lot of girls don't seem to realize that their personal preferences in a partner are arbitrary and that it's unfair to expect other people to know what they are.

From reading the thread it seems like the obvious solution is to kindly and directly reject the guys who make you feel uncomfortable, and then to ask the dudes out you are attracted to yourself.

And I am wondering, is it possible for a guy to ask you out in a way that would not creep you out? What would be the ideal way for him to do it?

when the roles are reversed, apparently the men get more picky. but i'd argue that men can be pretty picky when they decide who to ask out, anyways.

good advice, though. i am more comfortable being in control of who i date, so i tend to do the approaching. it puts me in the driver's seat.


In my experience, the average caucasian man is incredibly picky. Especially in my area, they tend to have expectations that most women can't meet. But do I complain? No. I don't fault men for having standards even if I can't meet them. I have my own standards, and one of them is, I don't date men who have standards I can't or won't meet.


That seems odd to me because (apart from being an attractive female between the ages of 17 and 30) I could have met my own expectations for a partner when I was a child, and it seems like in my experience girls have, if not ridiculously high, ridiculously specific expectations that are difficult to meet. Maybe it just seems this way to us because we have difficulty getting partners.



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

24 Jul 2012, 1:15 pm

ShamelessGit wrote:
Chronos wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
ShamelessGit wrote:
I always thought it made more sense for girls to do the asking out because they are more picky. There would be less rejection and girls would probably get the guys they wanted more often. It seems like every girl has different expectations for her partners and there is no way a guy could know what they are when he first introduces himself. A lot of girls don't seem to realize that their personal preferences in a partner are arbitrary and that it's unfair to expect other people to know what they are.

From reading the thread it seems like the obvious solution is to kindly and directly reject the guys who make you feel uncomfortable, and then to ask the dudes out you are attracted to yourself.

And I am wondering, is it possible for a guy to ask you out in a way that would not creep you out? What would be the ideal way for him to do it?

when the roles are reversed, apparently the men get more picky. but i'd argue that men can be pretty picky when they decide who to ask out, anyways.

good advice, though. i am more comfortable being in control of who i date, so i tend to do the approaching. it puts me in the driver's seat.


In my experience, the average caucasian man is incredibly picky. Especially in my area, they tend to have expectations that most women can't meet. But do I complain? No. I don't fault men for having standards even if I can't meet them. I have my own standards, and one of them is, I don't date men who have standards I can't or won't meet.


That seems odd to me because (apart from being an attractive female between the ages of 17 and 30) I could have met my own expectations for a partner when I was a child, and it seems like in my experience girls have, if not ridiculously high, ridiculously specific expectations that are difficult to meet. Maybe it just seems this way to us because we have difficulty getting partners.

all it takes is a quick tour of the Love and Dating forum to see that it can be both men and women with specific standards.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


DeathbyMonkeys
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jul 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 86

25 Jul 2012, 7:19 pm

I typed this big long reply and then my internet disconnected. I'm sorry if I offend you.

Girls don't like hurting guys feelings when they get asked out by guys they don't like. I know this isn't the issue, but that should answer the question a little. Oh and girls ask out guys too, so it's not that "you're a woman," thats the cause.

If you change your perspective on 'going out' (and making sure the people asking you out are on the same page) you might feel better. Dating can be going on one date with a guy and becoming friends or never talk to him again.
Dates are perfect for getting to really know someone. You could discover that the guy likes the same T.V that you love but your friends hate. You could learn something new or a different way of thinking. You might like spending time with him and talking to him. I know first hand that you can hate talking to everyone else but cant stop talking to a guy who gets you. (I don't mean that he will completely understand you, but he can understand why you feel a certain way about things or feel the same way in some cases). If you tell him that you will go on a date with him, but you are really nervous and might leave at any point, you will scare off most douche bags, players, and a**holes and be left with an understanding dude.

My dad regrets not asking the girls in his small town on dates. He wished he had gotten over his shyness so he could have gotten to know these girls (and some of them liked him and he didn't know).

You could possibly end up hating me if things up horrible, but don't let anxiety prevent you from getting to know people.
Good luck.