broke down crying last night.

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Yeah . . . I've hated society for probably . . . well I guess since Grade 2. That's when I learned that it was set up against me. I've tried self destruction, but that just left me in a worse place. I've never been good at destruction aimed at others, so that was a non-starter. I guess, now, I try to use society for my benefit. I'm not exactly sure what your definition of society is, but for me, it is the general way things are set up; values and beliefs and such - usually pretty alien to my own. But there's no changing it; at least not in our lifetime. So I try to take the little things when I can. To be patronizing, the longer you live, the more people you find who feel the same way. Don't despair. You are not alone.

I don't know what to tell you. I've never strung myself out looking for "someone" to love, but unrequited love burns me up. It's all due to my own cowardice. I'm too afraid to say how I feel and "open up" to people, that it's less a problem of women being heartless b*****s (like is the sentiment around here sometimes) and more just me being cowardly.

I don't know what to tell you, I feel for me, I would only want the "someone" if they fit my ideals. I'm very low on dependency personality for PD profiles, and high for schizoid/schizoaffective, and moderate antisocial. So that'd explain a bit.

Lots of people just seem to inanely need other people, and this is called dependency personality disorder in psyche terms. My friend was complaining how he couldn't do anything on his day off because his girlfriend was tired/possibly stopped taking her anxiety meds. I was like "Dude you can do whatever you want." Like for me, when I had a big social circle (old church) I'd call people up and ask if they wanted to, say, go hiking. Usually they wouldn't, so I'd be like "Well f**k, I'm going myself then." And I'd enjoy it. I think many people think of activities less as activities themselves and more as socialization time.

So with my thought process, I'm the opposite extreme as the dependents. I think for me for personal growth, I'd be best to learn to include others more, and for the dependents, they'd be best getting a bit of "schizoid" like I have.

As far as romance, though, it's a big dream of mine to find "love." I don't view it as a requirement for living as I've lived without it for 21 years now, so obviously I can survive and even be quite happy at times without it.

Listen carefully - you will not attract a girlfriend seething with hatred, negativity and the lust for bloody revenge. Nor would a girlfriend even "fix" this horrible feeling you have about yourself!
The more you hate people, the more they will avoid you and your toxic anger/negativity. Please address this before you become dangerously psychotic and start hurting other people. You're already hurting yourself horribly with this extremely negative attitude... A good counselor can actually help a lot!

I took the approach of two sports. Ice skating for the "gentler" emotions, and then weightlifting to become as strong as Goku from Dragonball Z and to feel less vulnerable to the world around me.

If you're alexithymic, a counselor can't really do much, that was my problem with them. So I find I have to find an outlet to express those feelings that's not words.

Agree on the negative attitude, but yeah.

EDIT:
Regarding counselors, the only way a counselor can work is if they're better at "logic debate" than you are, which is rare for a counselor to be better than someone with Aspergers. So any advice they give gets ripped apart by me and the logic machine, usually for the better (ie, go to culinary school) but their good intentions never get realized and they get mad.

If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to be able to love somebody else?

Until you address and work on some of the issues you have that cause you to be so unhappy a relationship isn't going to do you and good.
guy with issues + girlfriend = a guy with issues and a girlfriend
guy with issues + girlfriend =/= happiness

Yeah I know I hate where I live too! I haven't found a girl or another human being my whole life where I live that can look beyond my weaknesses and that judges me for my strengths. I don't expect too much from my town anyways; recently they closed the two main attractions downtown, namely Barnes & Noble and the gaming center. I guess my parents raised me here because they hate my brother and me.

I was miserable in my last relationship, but I still felt a little better than I did previously, because in a relationship, I was at least validated sexually.