I don't have the freedom to date. AS related?

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Blammo
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30 Sep 2012, 4:31 pm

Wow. Seems you're more worried about your parents than you are about yourself. I don't know your parents but I think you're blowing things out of proportion. You need to set boundaries with your parents.


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Last edited by Blammo on 03 Oct 2012, 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ayla
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30 Sep 2012, 5:12 pm

^agree with Blammo.
Also I'm pretty sure your parents would be happy to see you making new friends, even if their first reaction is a bit overwhelming. You shouldn't be afraid of telling them. In my opinion keeping a lie is way more stressing.


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abitclueless
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01 Oct 2012, 11:23 am

I agree with Blammo as well, I should just stand up to them. See what I'm concerned about is that if I say I'm going out but not with my 2 male friends who I usually socialize with they'll not allow me to leave the house. Now I realize, I'm in my late 20s and I'm a free man so they can't do that. Even if I do tell them it's with a young woman who works in the café, they'll say "what have you been doing while you've been down the town on your own?". They probably see the staff down there as only being there to serve me food and drink and not to make friends with etc. So that would be the beginning of the awkward questions and them saying "no!". They're small minded in some things.

I'm not helping, I'm just creating more problems. Sorry, my self-confidence goes up and down. I'm probably right in what I've said though. I think we're getting to the core issues now - I want to go out outside of my established routines but I believe that my parents won't let me if they know it's with a woman through lack of trust even though I've been going out on my own for just over two years now without any problems. It might just be that they're not used to the idea. They'd also be wary of what type of person she is and what might happen, I know for a fact that they're liike that. If you're wondering why I've only been going out independently for two years, my life was a small one until a year after my diagnosis and part of that was that I didn't have the skills or the development to go out independently that I do now.

At this point I'd like to say thanks for your patience as this thread has grown longer.



spongy
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01 Oct 2012, 11:31 pm

Heres the thing:

I was there.
I have had to go binge drinking with people and have my sister crash on us and I managed to make it seem somewhat normal, I have had to explain to my parents what I was doing every day for several years. . .
When did it stop: When it got to a point where they got tired of it themselves.

How do you manage this:
You need to start going out with your friends more frequently.

Every saturday for example you tell your parents "hey Im going out", when they ask where you tell them that you are just going to go around town with your two friends.
After a period of about a month they are very likely to assume that you are going to meet your friends whenever you go out and they wont ask



CrazyStarlightRedux
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02 Oct 2012, 8:24 am

Sounds almost like my situation...minus the woman being interesting in me part.

Why don't you just see if she asks you out first without jumping to conclusions.


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thewhitrbbit
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02 Oct 2012, 9:24 am

I find it very hard to believe they would not let you leave the house to go on a date, actually to leave the house in general.

It really sounds like either your mispercieving things, or your parents should win an award for infantalizing you to the point of a pre-teen.

I still have a feeling your blowing it out of proportion.

What if you start introducing her. Say for example that you met a girl at the cafe today that seemed nice. Next time you go back, mention her again. That way it seems like you are getting to know her before you tell them your going out with her.

Your parents can't seriously expect you to hang out with two guys forever, unless they want you to be gay.



abitclueless
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03 Oct 2012, 2:48 pm

spongy wrote:
Heres the thing:

I was there.


CrazyStarlightRedux wrote:
Sounds almost like my situation...minus the woman being interesting in me part.

Why don't you just see if she asks you out first without jumping to conclusions.


That sorta answers my "is this AS related" question. Thanks.

whitrbbit wrote:
Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 3:24 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I find it very hard to believe they would not let you leave the house to go on a date, actually to leave the house in general.

It really sounds like either your mispercieving things, or your parents should win an award for infantalizing you to the point of a pre-teen.

I still have a feeling your blowing it out of proportion.

What if you start introducing her. Say for example that you met a girl at the cafe today that seemed nice. Next time you go back, mention her again. That way it seems like you are getting to know her before you tell them your going out with her.


Firstly, they're suspicious people, if they're suspicious of me they would make sure that I don't leave the house on my own. I can't wait until they realize that they've no need to be suspicious of me. The second part of what you said ties in with a thought I've had, that I could just say "is it alright if I socialize with female friends as well?". I shouldn't have to though, guys socialize with both other guys and women all the time. It would just be the first time for me to do it as an adult. This thread has got my brain working on the topic, thanks. :). The best thing is that at the moment we're only aquaintances who are nearly friends because we can only chat when she can find the time, since she is working. She does want to find the time though. The other day she was behind in her work when I was in yet she still found it rude not chatting to me. I didn't take up too much of her time, I let her know I was letting her get on and went home.

I've got a bit of time, I'm thinking of asking her to meet me when she's not working, by going down as a customer on her day off. However I've got a holiday scheduled for a couple of weeks time and so I'm going to ask her when I get back. If she says yes I'll take it to mean she at least wants to be friends, if she says no . . . . I'll have to wait until I do meet someone with whom it all works out.



ayla
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03 Oct 2012, 3:19 pm

how can they possibly make sure you don't leave the house???

I'm really sorry you have to ask for permission to make new friends, that is horrible!


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abitclueless
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04 Oct 2012, 12:25 pm

You're spot on ayla. If I want to go out of the house on my own other than through one of the two pre-established patterns I mentioned earlier my parents would find out all the details first and then it would be up to them whether I leave the house or not. If they say no but I was to go out anyway they would start shouting and my Dad would follow me. This is due to lack of trust because I haven't been doing it all along as I was recovering from stress until 2009/2010. I do get out with male friends and they provide me with a comfortable home life but the very couple of weeks that I know I can get all that I'm getting now without them, I'm moving out.



ayla
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05 Oct 2012, 10:58 am

I'm sorry you are going through this crap.
Now I really think you should seek professional help, maybe attend some group therapy with your parents, it's really obvious they have big issues with you growing up.

ETA: And no, I don't think this is AS related at all, your problem here is your parents, not your AS.


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bruinsy33
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05 Oct 2012, 2:36 pm

abitclueless wrote:
I'm in my late 20s but I still live at home. The problem is that I nearly always have my meals at home, the only time I have a meal out is either as part of a charity lunch group or when that is what my 2 male friends and I are doing, and I'm definitely not gay or bi. The same applies for going to the cinema and because I'm autistic, I only have two friends who I socialize with. So my parents are used to that idea and if I was to say I was going out for a meal or going to the cinema outside of that and also outside of the charity lunch group, questions would be asked.

At the moment I'm a regular in one of the local cafés and this young woman who works there has been doing things like saying "hi" to me enthusiastically for a while now and also trying to find time to chat to me but I'm dreading the moment where she would ask me out because I would have to say that although it wouldn't be rejection as I am interested, it just wouldn't be possible currently. For those of you thinking: "move out", I'd really like to as my parents have grown old and grumpy but it'll be another one or two years before I'm ready.

I'm just thinking about hearing the mother of a fellow Aspie saying that he sits in a lot as well. It came up in a totally different context though and I've only spoken to her twice, both about a one-off outing that my psychologist helped to arrange. So is this a unique situation or is this common in the autistic sphere? We'll have to get a name for the autistic world. Any help with the situation itself will also be welcome. Sorry for all the reading!
First off,what makes you so sure that this girl is going to ask you out? She may be waiting for you to do that.Secondly,I think your focus should be more on landing a date with this girl and deal with the consequences with your parents after.You could possibly go out with this girl a few times[say for coffee] and nothing further may develop,you are projecting too far ahead into the future.Try to get a coffee date with this girl ,first.