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Being single and the opinions of others

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Vectorspace
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03 Nov 2012, 11:52 am

izzeme wrote:
Vectorspace wrote:
izzeme wrote:
what i really want is simply someone who i can be around without feeling the expectation to talk and be social, someone to cuddle up with on the couch, simply, someone...

Same thing here. Though it might be unrealistic, as I can hardly stand handshaking, and I've never even actively hugged any person in my life.


handshaking is difficult for me too, but with the right person, i have no problems.
i have deeply hugged before, although as just friends, and that didn't cause any anxiety or problems. that's how i know i can stand cuddling up.

Do you hug with friends on a regular basis?
I'm very happy that my "friends" (still don't like this word) don't expect any kind of physical contact.

When I notice that someone wants a handshake, I basically hold my arm in an adequate position, apply light pressure when the other person does, and release quickly. I can't say that I like it, but it's not "difficult" – though I do get told that my handshake is really weak.
But when someone tries to hug me, I just freeze.



Stargazer43
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03 Nov 2012, 12:14 pm

Well I am 27 years old, and I've never had a relationship so I'll offer my input. No, people's perceptions of me have very little impact on why I want a relationship. However I do notice that this is a common trend on these forums, that many people who have this issue seem to lack almost any self-esteem whatsoever and want a relationship mainly for self-reassurance that yes, they are desirable and "normal".

However I personally think that it's a dangerous line of thinking, as it effectively sabotages your chances of getting into a relationship and often makes you come across as desperate. My personal reasons for wanting a relationship really hinge on two things. The first is that I just really want to experience a true, loving relationship with another person. Someone who I can trust with anything, and who can do the same with me. I'm doing very well in my life right now, but without anyone to share it with it just feels like there's something missing. Secondly, ever since I was young I have always had 3 main goals for my future. I've already accomplished 2 of them, and the third is to eventually get married and have children. Obviously that takes two people, so that's pretty self-explanatory lol.

As for being a virgin, it really doesn't bother me in the least. Do I want to lose it eventually? Of course, but only in the context of a committed, loving relationship, with someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. My only concern is that once I eventually get into a long-term, committed relationship the woman may get scared off by that fact, but in the end someone who can't fully accept me for who I am isn't worth it anyways. Is there a social stigma? Yes, but you can't judge yourself based on how other people choose to live their lives. I've personally followed a very unique path in life that I am very proud of, it has made me who I am today.

As for the stereotypes, of course they aren't true. Sure in some cases they are, but like any stereotype you can never generalize an entire subset of people. I think that the key in the end is about being able to respect and appreciate yourself, and to see all the good things that you have to offer as a person, rather than focusing exclusively on the negative.



Withdrawal
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03 Nov 2012, 1:12 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
Well I am 27 years old, and I've never had a relationship so I'll offer my input. No, people's perceptions of me have very little impact on why I want a relationship. However I do notice that this is a common trend on these forums, that many people who have this issue seem to lack almost any self-esteem whatsoever and want a relationship mainly for self-reassurance that yes, they are desirable and "normal".

However I personally think that it's a dangerous line of thinking, as it effectively sabotages your chances of getting into a relationship and often makes you come across as desperate. My personal reasons for wanting a relationship really hinge on two things. The first is that I just really want to experience a true, loving relationship with another person. Someone who I can trust with anything, and who can do the same with me. I'm doing very well in my life right now, but without anyone to share it with it just feels like there's something missing. Secondly, ever since I was young I have always had 3 main goals for my future. I've already accomplished 2 of them, and the third is to eventually get married and have children. Obviously that takes two people, so that's pretty self-explanatory lol.

As for being a virgin, it really doesn't bother me in the least. Do I want to lose it eventually? Of course, but only in the context of a committed, loving relationship, with someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. My only concern is that once I eventually get into a long-term, committed relationship the woman may get scared off by that fact, but in the end someone who can't fully accept me for who I am isn't worth it anyways. Is there a social stigma? Yes, but you can't judge yourself based on how other people choose to live their lives. I've personally followed a very unique path in life that I am very proud of, it has made me who I am today.

As for the stereotypes, of course they aren't true. Sure in some cases they are, but like any stereotype you can never generalize an entire subset of people. I think that the key in the end is about being able to respect and appreciate yourself, and to see all the good things that you have to offer as a person, rather than focusing exclusively on the negative.


I think this is the very closest I've heard to someone in my situation and who feels the same way as I do. Including age and life goals, etc. Except that you seem to have be far better at not falling prey to the pressures and worries of what others think than I am. It uplifted me just to see there is someone who feels like this.

I don't know if women would get scared off. I never found anyone cared about my lack of sexual experience if they wanted to sleep with me. (I'm female, though once a girl wanted to sleep with me - it was obvious I was terribly inexperienced (though not totally) and she didn't care one bit). I have to believe that no one would hold it against you if she cared about you enough to have a relationship. I think I'd be comfortable with a man who was unexperienced as I'd understand the lack of experience, though of course I'm in a minority myself. I would more likely be put off by someone who'd had a lot of sex - mainly because I'd worry I wouldn't be compatible with someone like that. I guess people would be concerned about the reasons why you'd never had a relationship before. I know some Christians who are still virgins well into their twenties (so far) but the situation was so different because they chose to be that way and were proud, it wasn't a sign of underlying problems.

Thank you for posting, as I said I've been here basically looking for people who are in my situation, or at least recognise it, and it was nice to find something so close to that.



spongy
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03 Nov 2012, 1:43 pm

Im in a relationship with someone I havent met and I wont meet them for a while(we have our reasons)

As you may understand this is actually more shamed upon than being single itself(people ask me how the hell does that work?/how can I trust someone Ive never met?... before they just kept their mouth shut about things) so no I wasnt looking for acceptance in society.

I was looking for someone I could feel attracted to in a visual/mental level and who felt attracted to me in a similar manner regardless of what society thought of the relationship(tend to fall for girls with a history of mental issues for a few reasons I shant get into, society tells you to avoid them...)



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03 Nov 2012, 2:57 pm

spongy wrote:
Im in a relationship with someone I havent met and I wont meet them for a while(we have our reasons)

As you may understand this is actually more shamed upon than being single itself(people ask me how the hell does that work?/how can I trust someone Ive never met?... before they just kept their mouth shut about things) so no I wasnt looking for acceptance in society.

I don't see any problem with that. Where is it written in stone that to be in a relationship with somebody you have to be in their physical presence x number of times a week? It's not and people should stop acting like it is. You know what works for you, and only you can judge if it works or doesn't work, not them.

I was looking for someone I could feel attracted to in a visual/mental level and who felt attracted to me in a similar manner regardless of what society thought of the relationship(tend to fall for girls with a history of mental issues for a few reasons I shant get into, society tells you to avoid them...)


Guys fall for crazy girls cause we are the bestest! We are a lot better than the boring sane ones! Thats mine and Angies philosophy anyway. ;-)


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My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


lostintime
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03 Nov 2012, 2:59 pm

For me it doesn't matter if people know about my sex life or not. I used to want a relationship because it would help me look more 'Normal' but I don't care what people think anymore. I want a relationship for me not cause it would make me look better to others. Right now i'm not really looking for a relationship just because of stuff going on in my life but if I were to get involved with someone now I'd be ok with it. Most people don't need to know if your virgin or not. It's none of their business.

No I don't fear the stereotypes. They are just that, stereotypes. Stop caring what others think or do and focus on you. Focus on the things you enjoy and try and not let your problems pull you down.

For me a romantic relationship is more important than the sex. If sex happens great but I'm not going to looking for it in afriends with benefits situation.


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03 Nov 2012, 2:59 pm

Withdrawal wrote:
After following various discussions on this theme here recently, I am interested in people's answer to this question:

If you are single or a virgin, do you want a relationship and/or sex primarily because you think people will perceive you as more normal? (If you are someone who does have relationships, feel free to weigh in with your opinions too).

I do feel that being perpetually single makes me a social outcast. I hate that I feel bitter and jealous of others' romantic lives, which is another reason for wanting a relationship that isn't part of desiring a relationship for its own sake. Sometimes I feel discriminated against because the world seems primed to cater to couples and families, or at least sees relationships as something one chooses with complete freedom. I don't like feeling that people are pitying me for being a single loser.

But I also very much desire a relationship in and of itself.

I'm not a virgin but I go long enough without sex for it to be deemed abnormal. People can't tell when you last had sex, but if they did know I wouldn't care. I get asked about sex by the doctor sometimes (most women have to answer doctors' questions on their sex life at some point), and I'm honest and it's not a big deal. Perhaps it's because sex isn't that important to me that I don't mind people knowing I'm not having it. They get a correct picture of me by seeing me as someone who's not that into sex. Whereas the opposite is true with romance: if people assume I'm single because I'm not interested in romantic relationships, then they've got me completely wrong.

So: if no one knew about your love life, would it alter your desire for relationships? Or if people's knowledge of your sex life had no effect on their perception of you as a person, would it change your desire to lose your virginity? What if there were no negative stereotypes associated with virgins?

Final question: Do you fear that some of the stereotypes are true? That being single is a sign of being unwanted, and hence abnormal/defective? I know I have major problems from my illness and from excessive trauma and from just having messed up neurology, and that this is almost certainly why I struggle with relationships (and so many other areas of life). Trying to be a good person and knowing it's not my fault that it's so hard for me to be like other people doesn't change the fact I know something's wrong with me and an inability to form real relationships is a major indication of just how wrong I am.


Im single and do i want relationship, sure why not. But it's up to the ladies to decide that.
No one really bother me about being single. In fact no really ask me if I have a girlfriend or not.
No I don't feel abnormal for having a gf, after all it's really their decision. I can't control what people think about me.
I've been doing alot of changing myself for the ladies. I've shaved (look younger) Im not starting a conversation about adam sandler. and trying my best to get better at talking with ladies (even though I think it's bs that I have to do all these changes and women can just the stay same and still get men,oh well)



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03 Nov 2012, 4:12 pm

spongy:

Quote:
Im in a relationship with someone I havent met and I wont meet them for a while(we have our reasons)

As you may understand this is actually more shamed upon than being single itself(people ask me how the hell does that work?/how can I trust someone Ive never met?... before they just kept their mouth shut about things) so no I wasnt looking for acceptance in society.

I was looking for someone I could feel attracted to in a visual/mental level and who felt attracted to me in a similar manner regardless of what society thought of the relationship(tend to fall for girls with a history of mental issues for a few reasons I shant get into, society tells you to avoid them...)


It's true that being single is by far the only aspect of relationships that is stigmatised, though it has its own unique stigma. I think you're completely right that if your relationship works for you, you shouldn't feel pressurised to conform to conventionalities. Though it does seem from what I've observed that relationships where people haven't met (or haven't met yet) - usually carried out over the Internet and other media - are becoming more common and more accepted. When the Internet was new, just meeting a partner online was seen as a little dubious - now Internet dating is standard and to many perfectly legitamate. So who knows, some day your way of being in a relationship may be quite common. :) It's certainly the case that you can gauge some levels of attraction to a person without being face to face, though being physically present with a person is still something that can't be matched for some people. It depends what's working for you.

biliscool:

Quote:
Im single and do i want relationship, sure why not. But it's up to the ladies to decide that.
No one really bother me about being single. In fact no really ask me if I have a girlfriend or not.
No I don't feel abnormal for having a gf, after all it's really their decision. I can't control what people think about me.
I've been doing alot of changing myself for the ladies. I've shaved (look younger) Im not starting a conversation about adam sandler. and trying my best to get better at talking with ladies (even though I think it's bs that I have to do all these changes and women can just the stay same and still get men,oh well)


I admire you for not caring about what others think. I don't think you have to change though. Unless there are major defects in your personality or lifestyle that you should work on for their own sake - then it never hurts to try and better yourself. But your look or conversation topic isn't ultimately going to determine whether someone likes you or not.