Today, the topic is Jealousy

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Sometimes, for some people, that is the case.

But there is such a thing as going too far. Once you've had a couple of relationships where the jealousy was warranted, it becomes hard to turn it off, even when there's no longer any reason to feel it.

I don't think feeling it makes me a dick. But taking out my negative feelings on her, who's never actually wronged me in that way, would make me one.



Not the only one. But emotion is just more powerful than logic.

Boo...

I agree with Plodder.

I am not the jealous (no reason) type. However, if I sense something is going on, that is a different story. I was in a relationship once where I suspected that I was being cheated on. It so happens I was right. Bad luck to that person as I was quite crafty with the internet

That was the end of that. Not sure if that's jealousy. More like if I care about someone I am in a relationship with, and I see another woman making moves on him, and him liking it. That would make me jealous. Knowing myself, I would just storm off. If I am going to be someone's girl, then I am the *only* girl. Like Boo does... (was actually thinking about him on my way from work, arghhhhhh).

mds, this says it all.

"Not the only one. But emotion is just more powerful than logic."

if me and a friend both aim for the same girl.. i get jealous..

Interesting.
Jealously is not the only emotion I am incapable of feeling, there are also others.



I have been cheated on before in a relationship, in fact, I came face to face with the woman herself when she stormed into the house, uninvited.

Doesn't change the fact that I can't feel jealously... even in an obvious situation where I *should*.

What does change - is the fact that he made a major agreement and then broke it.
So on ethical grounds, I packed up my stuff I had there and left that night, never went back - I was not emotional, just logical.

That's just, I don't know, bizaare to me. Being cheated on and not completely losing it.

I wanna ask how you do it, but that would be pointless because the whole idea is that you don't feel that emotion to begin with.

It's just outside the realm of what is even imaginable to me.

i think im probably the jealous type.

I don't feel that emotion, but I do feel others - particularly since he chose to break the agreement that way instead of just coming to me and saying he wanted to end it. (doing it logically would ahve been easier)
Thankfully alexithymia took care of those extras ones when it happened - at least until a few hours and days afterwards.

Can I ask (why do I say that when I'm about to ask anyway?), if you don't feel jealousy, then why is it important to you that your partner be faithful?

I'm not saying you shouldn't want that, but without jealousy I'm not 100% certain why you would.

I mean, I get why his breaking his agreement was a dealbreaker, I just don't get why you wanted that agreement.

I also have trouble identifying my emotions. Most people, it seems like their energy goes into figuring out why they feel the way they do. While I, most of the time, am stuck on trying to figure out what I'm feeling in the first place. Like "oh, this thing I've been feeling is what you humans refer to as 'sad.' I can't say I care for it very much."

You can ask why (you do it because you have been conditioned by NT's to ask for permission to ask intrusive questions at the same time as you ask them).
Sorry - I couldn't resist.

In this particular example – he asked to be exclusive, it was all his idea (I was dating multiple guys at the time before he asked – I didn’t tell him I was, but I think he sensed it). He initiated the agreement to begin with. If he didn’t want it, then he didn’t need to make it. In hindsight, it seemed want he actually wanted at the time but refused to say, was “I want to keep dating others, but I do not want you dating others.” (Amusing now – because he was also dating others in the beginning, and was also an incredibly jealous person)

Also – just because I do not feel jealously when someone cheats, does not mean cheating is preferable. Often someone’s actions do not lie – usually they indicate their real feelings and true motives, the ones they refuse to talk about, or the ones they lie about. The truth is if he really wanted to be with me, then he wouldn’t have been cheating. It is not the cheating itself – but what the cheating implies and is indicative of in regards to his feelings and his priorities.

(Which is why I will be watching with interest the current one I am dating but not in a relationship with – he’s gone back to his home country for 3 months although he will be coming back here and his ex of 5 years has started chasing him to get back with him just before he left, even though she has no idea he is going back. His actions while he is there will be enlightening - out of the both of us he is the one that is worried and jealous though )

weird little custom. It's like announcing "hey, I'm about to act like an insensitive clod. just wanted to make sure you know that it's on purpose." and yet, somehow, our culture has decided that that makes it better.

Your post makes a lot of sense. It seems like you are able to recognize the stimuli that cause jealousy (or, more accurately, bring it out in someone prone to it), and understand the negative truths they signify, without having to feel the actual jealousy.

Like, not only do you not feel it, but it wouldn't be of any particular use to you even if you did.

How long have you been dating this new guy? I hope he turns out not to be a dumbass.

Last edited by mds_02 on 21 Nov 2012, 4:11 am, edited 2 times in total.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af-Id_fuXFA[/youtube]

^^^

"Can I ask..."
"With all due respect..."
No offense but..."
Is it the warning or the forethought that you know but are going to do it anyway that makes it socially acceptable? I have always wondered that.

Only because I had to sit down and intellectually work out how to understand and deal with someone else's jealously... an emotion that I could not feel and therefore previously had no understanding of. Now I know the signs. It still takes a little bit to click IRL though. Last time I was on the phone and it took me about 5 mintues, I started jumped up and down going "I got it! I got it! Do I get a medal now? That was a record time!"

I have always wondered if it would be useful. Probably only would be useful for empathy and ToM purposes. I had to get them to explain the feeling, the extent and power of it, and the physical sensation that goes with it in order to understand it - poor dude.

2 months. Maybe he will be, maybe he won't be. This one fell into my lap with no effort on my behalf though (usually that's a good sign), I was on break from dating before that. He's been really good so far - but it's too soon to say. When he gets back it will reach the make or break stage - fun fun.

Last edited by Kjas on 21 Nov 2012, 3:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

Jealousy is, I think, useful in that those initial twinges of it are often the first sign that you are not getting what you need out of a relationship, and that you need to either fix it or move on.

Problem is, once it gets a toehold in your mind it tends to run amok, escalating beyond reason and even affecting future relationships.

Your way is better, I think.

Also, re: my last post



What the hell? That sentence makes no sense. Why is the word "things" in there? It's deeply sad to me that you're the non native english speaker, and yet I'm the one saying stupid crap like that.

Edit: Now you know why I edit so much.

Editx2: And damn you to hell for quoting me before I caught it.

Nope. Just because someone has it better than you doesn't mean you should be jealous.

On telegraphing one's intentions to be rude:

Yeah, that's something I've certainly been conditioned to do. The way I understand it, if I ask a sensitive question directly and the other person decides it's too sensitive and must reject it, I put them in a position where they will have to be rude to me by saying "no, I can't tell you about that", which is also uncomfortable and many people hate feeling socially uncomfortable. But when asking beforehand, you are also telling the other person that because I know it's sensitive, it's ok if they don't want to answer, which lowers the awkward level in the case they actually don't.

Or maybe it's one of those things that simply don't make sense