Tips on how to tell if a man has good intentions?

Post Reply New Topic

i completely disagree with all of the members who think it is a good idea to hold out on sex. it turns sex into a bargaining chip, where one party is pushing for it and the other is artificially resisting it. it's just another form of game-playing and manipulation, but they're suggesting that she should try to manipulate him with sex, essentially, instead of allowing him to manipulate her.

Last edited by hyperlexian on 06 Apr 2013, 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Find a nice autistic guy that communicates on a par with you. I think the intuitive connection and commonality might serve you well. Also, I've realized that a lot of bad behavior is propagated through NT communication channels - they learn things that we don't. Being autistic isn't a guarantee, but it's a good starting point.

I've thought about this and it is a good suggestion as it is my failure to pick up on NT men's vague cues that have been the cause of my poor experiences; that and their being hurtful people. Based on my own traits and what I understand of other Aspies, it seems that we are typically very honest, direct people and I feel that this would be beneficial in a relationship as well as the fact that he may have a better understanding of my actions and why I react to certain things the way I do than an NT would.

Disagree.

Sex isn't being withheld as some sort of bargaining chip or manipulating tool, but simply protecting something valuable until fairly certain the other person isn't a monster - and both people are equally comfortable with it. What's wrong with that??

It's not like withholding sex will somehow make the other person "behave" in a more preferential manner for an extended time... Someone who only wants one thing but doesn't get it easily will usually sulk away and find someone easier to coerce.

this would only be true if one person would be inherently more damaged if they were to have sex quickly in the relationship, as compared to the other person. in my opinion, it's not like sex is such a precious thing that it needs to be preserved for serious relationships, so there is no purpose in holding it up on a shelf until the other party's intentions are known. i think it's better to get it out of the way as quickly as possible so that it can't be used as a bargaining chip by either party.

i think that many people who just want sex are willing to wait for it. many relationships linger only until the first time the couple has sex (or sometimes it manages to barely drag on for a few days or weeks after that), because one or both party loses interest rather quickly once it is consummated. this can be true even if the couple waits months or years to have sex. it might not even be a conscious choice but some people just don't seem to care as much about their partner after they have sex, and holding out doesn't seem to help.

i think that putting sex on a shelf creates an artificial longing like a carrot on a stick, and i'd rather know as soon as possible if the other person is going to lose interest. i don't want to find out after 3 dates, 3 weeks, or 3 months. i see sex as something important to me, but not something precious or sacred.

i haven't really found that i've been disappointed too often, but then i don't "date" like other people. i tended to have friendships or acquaintanceships that morphed into relationships, or i started off having casual sex that became a relationship, or i got to know people online for a long time first.

You're entitled to your opinion...

YES!! !!This is what my ex did.If they behave like this don't walk away,RUN!! !

If he likes and respects his mother and other female relatives, then he is likely to treat you the same way.

Stay away from men who tell sexist or racist jokes, those who refer to women with any derogatory term, those who pepper their speech with the "f-word" (as if it were adjective, adverb, and punctuation all in one), those who express contempt or hatred toward anybody (especially the crippled, the handicapped, and the weak), and those who collect weapons (a pocket knife and a single handgun kept at home may be okay, but a samurai sword and an AK-47 may not not). These men seem to harbor some hidden reserve of anger, and are likely to take it out on the nearest vulnerable target (like a wife or girlfriend) when they do finally "explode".

And any man from a culture or country that denigrates or oppresses women may be more likely to become violent when confronted with a woman who can think and act for herself than a man who likes and respects his mother and other female relatives.

Where do you meet these guys anyway?

Stay around long enough and you'll run into one.

Assuming you're referring to the "Bad Boys", the answer is "Anywhere", especially sports bars, strip clubs, gun shows, and the Abramic religious institutions (Christian, Islamic, and Judaic).

Assuming you're referring to the "Good Boys", the answer is "Anywhere", especially where volunteers do charitable work for others - rescue missions, soup kitchens, health fairs, animal shelters, camps for handicapped kids ... et cetera ...

Last edited by Fnord on 07 Apr 2013, 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

That must be it because I never go to those places

Good people also seem to lead simpler lives, uncluttered by lies, deception, hypocrisy and false justification. Good people simply do what simplicity demands of them - they do what needs to be done for themselves and others, and then stop right there. Good people are always targets of attack by bad people.

Bad people take special pride in attacking good people. Bad people will try to confuse you into believing all kinds of complicated things (Conspiracy theory, anyone?). Bad people are manipulative: their only concern is themselves and what they believe they will gain. Everything else in their eyes is just tools to be used to accomplish their goals. For bad people, other people are disposable. Bad people use other people, extract from them what they want and then throw them away as discarded trash (e.g., "Use 'em, Abuse 'em, and Kick 'em to the Curb!"). Many who have experienced this are so hurt by the experience that they too become bad people. They become bad to protect themselves from being used like trash again. Once they have made this turn towards evil, they are intoxicated with the power and in turn become worse than those who preceded them. This is how evil proliferates.

Here is a link to an article on 10 Ways to Recognize a Good Guy. Here are the basics:

1. He Was a Good Guy When You Met Him

2. His Kindness Holds Up Under Pressure

3. He Offers to Help Others When There’s Nothing in It for Him

4. He Feels Honored to Be with You

5. He Inspires You to Be a Better You

6. He’s Not in Competition With You

7. He Has Personal Ambition

8. He’ll Do Something Just Because You Want to Do It

9. He’s Confident in Who He Is

10. You’re Happy!

^^^^^^^VERY good advice!! !!
I married a bad boy,what a disaster.It didn't make me a mean woman but it has definitely made it hard for me to trust someone.I do have faith there are good guys,My Dad was one.

Well, that is one sure-fire way to figure out if he was only after you for a bit of tail. Give him some, and if he subsequently dumps you, then you know that his intentions were dishonourable.

I've never heard of a man acting like that to a woman. But, if he does, then run.