Obsessiveness and AS? Could it develop into stalking?

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I am glad I am not alone in this. I have been labelled a stalker by one person, even though I was very upfront in letters I wrote about my feelings... and I was confused and am still, in a way, confused that attempts to show you have feelings for someone can be seen as stalking, but I suppose this comes back to not being able to put myself in another's shoes. I was far too shy to say something to this guy directly, so would just turn up at the 2 places he spent his time in and watch or read my book. It is hard to stop, I can tell you as when it becomes your obsessive interest, you just seem to have to see that person each day to see how things will develop, and if you actually have romantic feelings for them, you hang around in the faint hope that they might actually talk to you one day

I often feel quite a bit like a stalker. Especially on Facebook and MySpace and what not. I don't follow people, unless for a short distance while trying to catch up with them so I can say (and possibly fail) saying hello.

I don't mind the idea of being stalked. I even have a note on MySpace and Facebook telling anybody who's stalking my web sites to go ahead and say hello, I really don't care.

Ah, man. Now when i think about it, people probably think i'm a stalker. I just lack in that area, i guess. Relationships boggle me. I like to look on people's myspace and keep tabs on them. I'm such a dork.

Some people sick and obssessed with the thought of being stalked, oh I must be really important if I'm being stalked. The reality is said person is likely very sad especially if they have accused two people of stalking them in their lifetime. That's just impossible, not gonna happen unless your like a beautiful celebrity with some sort of status. Writing lots of letters or e-mails, is more a sign of love-sickness than anything. You think you're being stalked, hehe well, if you really were you likely wouldn't know it, and that would make it really DANGEROUS. Just cause some half-autistic Asperger's kid has a creepy little crush on you doesn't make you god's gift to man. Its just a very very sad state of affairs and nothing more. But I'm ranting and half of you don't even know what I'm talking about. Whatever.

I'm stalker bait. Probably have it tattooed on my forehead or something and know nothing about it. Trust me you wouldn't want to be stalked. I've never been stalked by someone who was Autistic and AS. They are always controlling NT men who become aggressive around someone like me. I think it's a bad combination of I don't pay attention because I can't read their eyes, faces or body language, I probably look submissive to them and easy prey and I have no idea what signals I give off because of the same lack of non-verbal ability.

If you wrote me letters and such, I would just see it as lovesickness and not stalking. Stalking to me is when they seek me out deliberately and lean over me while I'm sitting and block me in with their arms and hands. Or, they catch me in a hallway and back me against the wall and block me in with their arms. Or, they find out where I live and stand or sit in their car outside the house, find out my phone number and start calling all the time (I never answer so they just get my husband) and start showing up whenever my husband and I go out. It's so bad for me that my boss has me sitting behind her so everyone has to go by her to get to me (and she's basically told one guy to leave the company and threw another one out of my office).

Legally (although I've never legally done anything to any of them because either my co-workers or husband have handled them) the term stalking includes repetitive unwanted contact and/or threatening gestures, remarks or actions.

But speaking from experience it is usually threatening and scary. (And for me probably escalating long before I notice it's even happening) Not something anyone should invite. I read somewhere that they are working on glasses with a camera that can interpret eyes and facial expressions. That's what I need and then I would know what was up.

i think the term "stalking" has been taken out of context by many people who are meaning to imply seeing someone everywhere and constantly having contact, verbally or non-verbally, with someone....even using it to indicate chance or otherwise unlikely meetings that happen most fatefully...

i know a lot of NTs coin the phrase just as a means of describing someone they don't necessarily desire in that way always being around them again in an intentional or unintentional way...i find that when i like someone (and even when i'm in a relationship with someone) i tend to display neurotic behavior in the sense that i obsess over them constantly almost as if i'm personally stalking them but its mostly accidental. I don't think i can re-hardwire my brain to calm my feelings down. Especially when i like someone and those feelings are/aren't reciprocated i find that the urges i feel to have them in my life sometimes can't be quieted and grow to be quite intense.

the long and short of it? i agree with Seigneur's post early on in the thread.... the definitive term "stalker" doesn't mean what it used to... its more like a category that the "stalkee" (for all intents and purposes) uses to define an individual that they find less-than favorable looks-wise or personality-wise.... if its wanted attention, then they are received entirely differently...

and to ZanneMarie- stalking is rarely ever physical.... thats more like some form of physical abuse- any type of touching that is unwanted by the party who's being touched is abuse..... stalking is more of an occurence that involves someones prescence in an uncomfortable way thats not warranted by the stalked party.. that would definitely be grounds, for me, for legal action.

Here's the law in FL, but every state has its own.

Florida Stalking Law
§784.048 Stalking; definitions; penalties. 1997. Amended 2003.

(1) As used in this section, the term:

(a) HARASS means to engage in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that causes substantial emotional distress in such person and serves no legitimate purpose.

(b) COURSE OF CONDUCT means a pattern of conduct composed of a series of acts over a period of time, however short, evidencing a continuity of purpose. Constitutionally protected activity is not included within the meaning of "course of conduct." Such constitutionally protected activity includes picketing or other organized protests.

(c) CREDIBLE THREAT means a threat made with the intent to cause the person who is the target of the threat to reasonably fear for his or her safety. The threat must be against the life of, or a threat to cause bodily injury to, a person.

(d) CYBERSTALK means to engage in a course of conduct to communicate, or to cause to be communicated, words, images, or language by or through the use of electronic mail or electronic communication, directed at a specific person, causing substantial emotional distress to that person and serving no legitimate purpose.

(2) Any person who willfully, maliciously, and repeatedly follows, harasses, or cyberstalks another person commits the offense of stalking, a misdemeanor of the first degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083.

(3) Any person who willfully, maliciously, and repeatedly follows, harasses, or cyberstalks another person, and makes a credible threat with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear of death or bodily injury of the person, or their child, sibling, spouse, parent, or dependent, commits the offense of aggravated stalking, a felony of the third degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084.

(4) Any person who, after an injunction for protection against repeat violence or dating violence pursuant to s. 784.046, or an injunction for protection against domestic violence pursuant to s. 741.30, or after any other court-imposed prohibition of conduct toward the subject person or that person's property, knowingly, willfully, maliciously, and repeatedly follows, harasses, or cyberstalks another person commits the offense of aggravated stalking, a felony of the third degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084.

(5) Any person who willfully, maliciously, and repeatedly follows, harasses, or cyberstalks a minor under 16 years of age commits the offense of aggravated stalking, a felony of the third degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084.

(6) Any law enforcement officer may arrest, without a warrant, any person he or she has probable cause to believe has violated the provisions of this section.

Harassment - § 836.10. Written threats to kill or do bodily injury; punishment. 2001.

If any person writes or composes and also sends or procures the sending of any letter or inscribed communication, so written or composed, whether such letter or communication be signed or anonymous, to any person, containing a threat to kill or to do bodily injury to the person to whom such letter or communication is sent, or a threat to kill or do bodily injury to any member the family of the person to whom such letter or communication is sent, the person so writing or composing and so sending or procuring the sending of such letter or communication, shall be guilty of a felony of the second degree, punishable as provided in § 775.082, § 775.083, or § 775.084.


And Caramel, I didn't say they touch me, I said they block me. Touching would be assault in legal terms.

Stalking here includes stalking by husbands, partners, boyfriends/girlfriends and some of those cases end in death. In that case, unless the person takes a knife to the one they've been stalking, they really don't touch them either.

Ohhh i misinterpreted you! I'm sorry!! I can't believe people would even block you.... that all seems kind of crazy to me... it really must make some days very unpleasant! i do think that those actions clearly surpass stalking because the nature of the actions. I think you read too deeply into what i was saying or maybe i might've used the wrong word? "In that case, unless the person takes a knife to the one they've been stalking, they really don't touch them either." i think i meant any type of physical interaction not just touching. I had meant pushing, placing ones hand on anothers hand or arm (for instance), or any deliberate physical action. I really think it was read too far into...

I couldn't read this without feeling sick. I think that I'm a stalker (walking by places where someone lives/d - maybe hoping that I can 'accidentally' run into them - or get the guts to actually contact), but what you describe is just so threatening. I, at least, have the decency to remain unnoticed.

I'm definately a stalker.

I actually did the whole "walk past such-and-suchs house until I get noticed" bit, but then I met a nice gentleman at dancing (if your well-meaning friends actually want you to go dancing/rock-climbing/whatever, trust me, it's a great way to get out in public without feeling too uncomfortable, you're usually too busy concentrating on what you're doing), and he actually said hi and spoke to me.

Gah, now I'm obssessed with him! But, I'm sure he wouldn't mind hee hee.

But yeah, now I'm off-topic, I always do that.

Something similiar happened to me too. When I was 14, I wanted to make new friends because I could tell that the other girls in my class didn't really want me around any more (they seemed to like me better in primary school. It's so much better being a little child, rather than a teenager). So I thought I'll make some new friends and show the girls in my class that I'm hanging out with other people. I knew of a group of girls who always hung around together in a 6. Their form-room was next door to ours, and I didn't know their names and they didn't know my name, but I still knew of them.
So one warm lunch time I found them sitting in their little group on the school field, and I sat near them. Then one of them spoke to me, and I could tell she was trying to share a joke with me, so I laughed, then moved myself nearer to join their little circle. I said a few words, and they seemed nice girls. But as the week went on, and I started waiting for them outside classrooms, toilets, ect, they started getting suspicious - and then crept off and told on me. I didn't get into trouble though, but I felt so embarrassed. I wasn't even obsessed with them - well, obviously not because they were girls, like me.

I felt so silly and ''sad'' after that, and it knocked my confidence back. Although I'm 20 now (and so are they), I still feel I don't want to ever see them again, so I'm trying to get a job outside of town, in a bigger variety, so that they can be avoided. I bet they haven't forgot that, and I know that they know how ''weird'' I am. *Cringe!*

Yes -- I think it can definitely turn into stalking, in that you follow the person, know their habits, etc.

I know I've done it -- It's pathetic, really. I get obsessed with someone new, think way too much about them, get to be a pest (or suffer in silence) -- If I never know them, that's about how far it goes. If I end up knowing them and the friendship goes the way I would want it (rare), it might end up in some kind of relationship, friends or otherwise. But most of the time, things turn sour, they get creeped out, I get rejected and offended, and pretty much never want to see them again. This is both to alleviate their discomfort and mine.

I really hate getting into that mode, it's bad for my self-esteem, bad for my rep, and almost never turns out well. I really hate obsessing.

I'm no stranger to law.

This definition makes stalking an open-ended misdemeanor. It basically means that, as with other misdemeanors, you can call the cops on anyone you want for any reason you want to have them arrested.

Now, you falsely accuse someone of harassment or stalking and that comes out in trial, you get what you get.

But actual stalking is harder to prove than harassment. I was actually in court with a friend who brought up an ex-bf on stalking and harassment charges. The stalking charges were dismissed, but the idiot ex-bf admitted to harassment even though he didn't mean to.

What happened was that my friend had become sick of being in a physically and sexually abusive relationship and was afraid to leave him because of what he might do to her. I convinced her to get away from him, and I took care of her every spare minute that I had. The ex followed us around, tried to intimidate her and myself, and suddenly showed interest in activities she enjoyed but he never participated in. He starts carrying a Bible around and shouting how he's met God now and things have changed.

My friend didn't find this to be very funny.

At one point we drove out of town to get away from the guy and when I dropped her off back at her place, dude is circling the block looking for us! At 4 am! So I made sure she got inside safely while I talked her bf down and kept him distracted. I called her up a couple hours later, asked her to meet me for breakfast so we could decide what to do. And that's when we went to the cops.

So the courtroom scene played out something like this:

Judge: Were you there at [place] at [time] when she said you were?
Him: Yes, but... (judge interrupts)
Judge: Did that upset her?
Him: Yes, but... (judge interrupts)
Judge: And were you at [other place] at [other time] when she said you were?
Him: Yes, but... (interruption)
Judge: And did that upset her?
Him: Yes, but I was there to learn about God...(interruption)
Judge: (flies into rage, yelling) I DON'T CARE! GOD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS! WERE YOU THERE WHEN SHE SAID YOU WERE WHEN YOU KNEW SHE'D BE THERE?!?!?!?!?
Him: (breaking down) Yes
Judge: (still in a rage) AND DID YOU UPSET HER?!
Him: I wasn't trying to...
Judge: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO!! !! DID YOU UPSET HER?!?!?
Him: Yes.
Judge: Then you are GUILTY of misdemeanor harassment and you'll need to pay [fine amount] to the clerk on your way out. You may step down. And ma'am (speaking to my friend)? You just make sure you stay away from him. You two are not to talk to each on the phone, email each other, or contact each other again in any way. If one of you sees the other on the street, walk the other way. Next case...

This was a JP, not Judge Judy, btw. You can generally expect stalking and harassment cases to follow a similar pattern in justice court. Repeated patterns of abuse, of course, will gradually move up the ladder to felony. If you see that your actions or your mere presence offends someone, stay away from them.

More to the point: I think aspies tend to be more obsessive over our love interests because of the nature of AS and its effect on us. I think we might be at higher risk for co-dependency, and this CAN be draining on someone who doesn't understand it. I was MADLY in love with a girl once, and I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't keep her. So yes, I stalked and harassed her, not really aware of how scary it seemed at times or how much like the aforementioned jealous ex-bf I'd become. The difference, I think, was that I started realizing that I was handling the situation inappropriately, I learned to let her go and forget about her, and I stopped wasting the precious little time I had to do what I needed to do to finish college. So while there's no excuse for what I did, at least I DID take myself out of the equation before things got out of hand.

Before I knew what AS was, I recognized my tendency to obsess over women. So I devised a way to "test the waters" to see what women thought of me before things got weird. It may seem common sense to other people, but things like, "hey, I'm going that way, too, mind if I join you?" Sure, it's rude to invite yourself along for the ride, but at least the person you're pursuing has the chance to tell you to buzz off. If it was someone I was interested in, I might say "oh, it's YOU again! I better hide or you're going to think I'm stalking you." One girl playfully said "I don't care if you stalk me," so I knew I was "in," and that turned into a fun relationship.

That relationship was one in which she had social impairment from being legally blind. Our relationship worked extremely well because 1) She couldn't read body language and 2) I don't know how to be less than direct! We didn't have to assume anything about each other. She didn't mind being "stalked" because she'd never experienced other guys being interested in her to even know the difference. I mean, if you actually LIKE someone, do you really mind them stalking you?

The main thing is if you KNOW your obsessive tendencies, you can start considering ways to work around them so you don't seem to be quite so creepy to others. Since social cues are difficult for me, my goal became playing little games like the above to see just how much "creep factor" I had with other women. Girls who play along are cool; others who have that look like "WTF is WRONG with you?" I knew to leave alone. Nobody is going to jail for being a little weird ONE time. It's when you get to be persistent with the same person that it becomes bizarre and upsetting.

This often works, but isn't foolproof. A woman who doesn't want your company, but at the same time isn't assertive enough to tell you to go away, might say something like "sure, go anywhere you like".

One occasion that comes to mind was when I decided to walk to the train after school with a girl I liked the look of, and thought her being quiet and not very responsive was just down to her being a normally quiet person. I made it into sort of a habit and she never objected, but she would walk faster and faster until eventually I would start running out of breath by the time I reached the station. I finally got the message when I was about to enter one train carriage upon arrival, and noticed her suddenly sprint ahead to walk into the next carriage. I was in my mid-teens and quite inexperienced with even talking to girls, so I think I can be excused, but as an adult someone may be sympathetic to her side of the story and come to certain negative conclusions about me - even though there was no verbally explicit objection to my being around.

Ouch! Yeah, been there too. Many women don't like conflict, and would rather reject men the soft way (through subtle hints and body language) than outright tell you to stay away. Probably really hard on Aspies, who can't read the signals well.