My AS ex-boyfriend, lack of spark and crazy stupid love

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Thanks for the reply. Though I guess I haven't been clear on a couple of things.

1. He knows full well that I want him back and that I'm hanging on for more reasons than just friendship. I've been very honest about it and he appreciates that. He also says he might "come around". And the friendship reason is important for us both too. I'm not pretending. I genuinely like him.

2. No spark doesn't mean that for him. That part of things was very good for both of us. We've agreed on that too. The mysterious spark has not really been explained.

So I'm still confused. Like I said we've been pretty honest. I've kinda learned that honesty works best. There aren't really any games here as I know games don't work.

I don't think it would be a good arrangement from my perspective, to be cosy friends with a guy who dumped me without a proper discussion... when he asked me out in the first place.

I don't understand why all these aspie men act like this. If I had a relationship like you described I would never willingly let it go. There aren't many people in life I think who will treat you like that and you shouldn't f**k it up by treating those people like dirt.

And yes, dealing with feelings is difficult for me too, but it is something you have to learn to deal with and I don't think you count as an adult if you can't do it.

In the end, I guess it's just finding what you're comfortable and happy with, and continuing to bridge that communication gap. This guy sounds very lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful person in his life.

I had a similar relationship withguy who has Aspergers.
It only lasted 3 months, though.

We got on well, I went to his house and met his dog (who adores me - which is uncharacteristic of him as he normally sulks when strangers are around) and his cat (who tried to claw my boob with happiness and I hollered at her because it hurt (LOL !) , but she still liked me anyway) , and his mum (who is bizarre but likes me) ... we went out on lots of nice dates (pleasant restaurant meals, looking at art exhibitions and going to the cinema to see films together) ... we were supportive to each other, played some compute rgames together.... he sent me really nice flowers on Valentines day and insisted on making me dinner.... he visited me a few times and gets on well with my mum... blah blah blah.... it was all very nice.

But then he suddenly started going on about babies, as though we'd both previously agreed that we were both wanting them.
Which I don't.... and anyway, we'd only been together for 3 months. He wasn't much into kissing, so physically we just did lots of cuddling and suchlike, holding hands and so forth. So the leap of assumption to his talk of babies rather freaked me out.

When I said that I wasn't keen on the idea, a little while passed where he never spoke to me at all (a few weeks) and was ignoring my messages (not that I sent many of those) , then he said that he didn't have romantic feelings for me any more and had never felt a "spark" , and said we should break up.

... when I saw him before, he was all "I am never ever breaking up with you" blaaahblahblaaaaah..... but then he basically got metaphorical cold feet, I guess.
He clearly felt that he might do better to have a relationship with a potential other person (somebody who wants to produce his baaaaaabies), is what seems to be the case.
He definitely wants biological children rather than adopting them I reckon, and not having children ow his own seems to be a deal breaker for him.... in which case he would need a partner who also wishes to produce biological children (specifically his), seems to be the conclusion which he came to.

To begin with when he dumped me, he said that he'd never developed non-platonic feelings... to which I understandably got a bit upset.
He said he had asked me out to see whether any developed, but then they never did.
But anybody could see that wasn't true... and he'd have needed to be a hell of an actor to fake it that convincingly.
So then, he agreed that yes he had felt non-platonic feelings to begin with... but then "he got confused" (sic.) and after some thought, decided we should break up because he didn't feel like that any more.

He said that he wanted to continue being friends, be a shoulder to cry on etc etc... but I don't think that would be a good idea. I don't think it would be a good arrangement from my perspective, to be cosy friends with a guy who dumped me without a proper discussion... when he asked me out in the first place.
Anyway, it's no use trying to be friends with a person who ignores my messages... and the things about him which annoyed me when we were in a relationship would only annoy me a whole lot more outside of one (he's rather self-absorbed for example, and can be somewhat inconsiderate without really meaning to be) ... and I have absolutely no interest in a friendship where I might have to hear all about some new girlfriend if he gets another one.... and it would seem like a shadow of the previous relationship... so I said that I was happy to be friendly when we see each other at a hobby club which we both go to (I go a lot less than he does, because it's appallingly run and the room is far to small) but that I didn't think it would be a good idea to be friends outside of it.

I haven't heard from him since (other than saying a brief few things at the hobby club), and I think that making a clean break was helpful to me when the relationship finished.

I actually disagree with those that say you should do everything to accommodate AS. Any relationship can't be all one one way. You could just as well come with your own condition, it is not Top Trumps.

You will get plenty attitudes like that doesn't mean it is right.

I am very stubborn person there are no go areas, but I is not fair not to forewarn. A relationship is a social contract of sorts.

None of these DX are the whole person. There are a (fairly poor) way of modeling a set of traits.

People on the spectrum can be very self centric, meaning they can have difficulties seeing other people's perspective. However this doesn't mean they aren't capable of learning. It will be different than inherent behavior, but most smart people are fully capable of changing (I don't care what others say).

You are a person too.

As you don't really have a relationship with him other as described, in that case, it is at his discretion. You are not the one calling the shots, and there is little you can do about that.

I think you need to wean yourself off him, do other things. See how it pans out.

I would definitely take with a pinch of salt the whole AS stuff, especially now, when it isn't all that relevant.

He is treating her like dirt in the sense that he can get dirt whenever he feels like it at no cost. He isn't necessarily treating her badly, but it does sound like he assumes that she will always be there and that he doesn't have to contribute anything to get the benefits of her friendship/relationship.

Well, maybe if you tell him you're going to see other people, too, then he may figure out he felt the spark with you after all.

Being honest with people is NOT "treating them like dirt." She is choosing to stay in the situation, he has not begged her to, nor misrepresented himself in any way in order to manipulate her.

@Misssquiggles: If he doesn't feel the 'spark,' then he doesn't. Its not because he's incapable of it, although the sort of spark he's hoping for may or may not come along in a given lifetime, but one seeks what one is compelled to seek. Also, he is young, and as long as he is capable of making the occasional connection, he's going to keep seeking his 'spark' and enjoying the opportunities. Even if you were able to pin him down in an exclusive relationship, he would be miserable in no time at all and ultimately hate you for it.

Its not about the worthiness of what you have to offer (in spite of ShamelessGit's entitled attitude) - its about his commitment to not settling until he finds what he's looking for. You should respect that. If being a FWB is not something you can be comfortable with, then for your own sake, move on. Message him in twenty years if you still feel the connection, maybe if he never finds his 'spark,' he'll be ready to settle. I know that sounds cynical now, but by then, if you're both still single, it may just seem practical.

Honestly, even though it is cold to say it, get over it. He may be being a dick about him seeing a new girlfriend. But he still may see you as the only other person he is comfortable speaking to about stuff that nature. If you yell at him and tell him to leave you alone, of course he is going to, that is your fault, not his aspie nature, if anything it is his respect for you. If you can only find envy in having him as a friend, tell him the truth and walk away. I am sure he wouldn't want to be tearing you apart, from what I seem to be reading, you even had sex with him. Asking if he loves you after all he did with you can also be interpreted as an insult. If it wasn't and you are sure, I would stay away from him, he'll only cause your desire for him to grow in to a hollow in your heart. Fill it with someone else if you can. If this pisses you off, that is ok too, I'm just saying all the worst case scenarios, someone has to. Don't let him ruin you, whether he wants to be your friend or not.

There is 11 years between my wife and me. And no matter how you do things, the age difference matters. Then on top of that is the "hfa" issue. Give him structure and expectations. Speak to him. Find out his needs and intentions and give him manageable, kind but firm requirements to uphold. And hold him accountable. The more freedom you give him to avoid the rules of a relationship, the more he will think that freedom is part of the rules. No one needs to "sow the wild oats" as they say. Don't be a jailer type, but don't be a door mat either. It has taken me over 26 years to realise that I need to work on my relationship as much as my wife does, and learning how is much harder now than it would have been 26 years ago.

I don't it is worth deliberating over whether he is dick or not.

From experience it is often misleading, making a judgement online. Inevitably one's own preconceptions will weigh-in.

@mssquiggles re the weaning: I would say you need to occupy yourself at times when you are craving this company. Find an interest that you can throw yourself into.

I think you are weaker if you are dependent. You are stronger if you are doing your own stuff, and aren't compelled to call all the time.