Money more important than Love?

Post Reply New Topic

A lot of women simply marry up and simply depend on their husbands to live - and lot who demand high standards like her while they aren't even close to her career ambition. If she wants to be an officer and wants to marry an officer, that's not really a high standard because it's an equal one for her.

At least she's following a 100% egalitarian model - I totally respect that, it's something very few follow honestly.

And regarding her wanting a tall and fit, she's saying she's fit and tall too so kudos for her.


In fact, women will never become equal to men in power unless the majority of women adopt a similar mentality of the OP (seeking an real equal partner, not a better one). As long the majority of women still have this strong hypergamy tendency, and always have this feeling that they should marry up and get a partner who's a better/wealthier/more educated/smarter/higher person than themselves so they can depend on him or live in luxury, as a whole, then they will always remain the relatively weaker (in power) gender; no matter how advanced the civilizations become.

you know how those stories about capturing a goldfish that grants you three wishes always end up teaching us that we've forgotten to allow for all possibilities?

what if you find tall, fit, handsome, super rich dude and he beats you, cheats on you and steals all your money?

A woman I love very much is currently focused on the practical side of life, and I suspect its almost to the exclusion of all else. Seven years ago, she broke up with me over the phone, and for those years, I lived in my own personal hell, wondering if she ever truly loved me. Almost 4 months ago, we spoke on the phone again, and after several weeks, she said she still loved me. However, she has a 6-year-old daughter now (not mine), and is living with the girl's father because she says she feels comfortable with him. We spoke again today after six weeks' silence, and she says she feels I want to "keep her on a string". I keep trying to stress that's not my intent, but she doesn't believe me. When I've expressed concerns she's mainly with him for security, she gets very angry and accuses me of emotional manipulation.

I've written her three letters by hand in the last month, and she said today she's read two of them. Apparently, no matter how hard I try, she always sees me as manipulative and selfish. What angers me is knowing she was just able to walk away not once, but several times since we met 12 years ago, and seems to feel very little remorse over any choices she's made that affect me. I know I can't control her, nor would I aim to...but I do want her to "lower the walls" and let me back into her heart. I told her today I'd thought of visiting her by plane, just staying in the terminal for 24 hours, but she said she couldn't promise to show up. I don;t know what to do, or how to think and feel. We were so good once, for a brief time...and then everything hit the fan in a terrible way (very long story).

As hard as it is (and it is you that is making it hard), you have to let go and cut that emotional cord between you. It is not good for her. It is not good for you. What you are doing doesn't seem to be 'right' from what I am reading.

The past - has gone. I do not say this lightly at all. Grabbing on to it is like digging up a corpse and asking it to be like it was.

You seem to be a very good man, deep down, and you have your faith. You must trust that God knows what is better for you than you think you, or I (try to) know. I'd pray to him and ask him what he would have you do. Give your heart to him.

You don't need this anymore. You could be denying yourself to someone else who needs you. Would God want you to be in chains? No.

Thanks to both Marcia and Tiger; I appreciate your feedback.

I guess what's really keeping me from moving forward is the fear of never being able to love anyone again, as completely as I loved Michelle (my ex-GF) in the past, or even now. I trusted her completely, 100%...only to have her throw that trust back in my face. She;s said many times, "it just doesn't work", to which I've replied, "you've never given it a real chance to work, without anyone else being involved." I know she loves her daughter, and I commend her for it...but what about my own needs? I've tried just putting Michelle in the past, but every attempt fails because the memories alone stir everything back up. The main reason we didn't speak for 7 years is because I had no way of contacting her. I don;t know if anything would've turned out different, but my fears caused her a lot of pain, and I'd spent a long time hoping for a shot at redemption.

Look, I'm sure sheer bad luck has played a part in things, too. That's sometimes the way. And we can look back, and scream 'this is not fair' and 'I wasn't given a chance' and so on.

But it doesn't matter. All the reasons don't matter. It is the way it is. That's how I'm still 'here' writing this to you, right now. Really. If I had held onto reasons - and a notion of fairness - well, you have no idea, and I don't want you to. I am so glad I don't that pain anymore - it was me who decided to have that pain. Noone else. And I'm not exactly talking about the same situation as you, but that doesn't matter.

I'm talking about being a victim. You're punishing yourself. And her. Would you have anyone else do this? - Please note, I am not criticising you for one second.

You gave 100% - okay. That hurts. But that doesn't entitle you to 100% back. It doesn't. Love, real love, is unconditional - ask yourself, what is this really about. Because maybe you're not being entirely honest with yourself - it's none of my business. Maybe you're just chasing a return on this emotional investment that you won't - and can't - get. I'm sorry brother - that is wrong. It has to be wrong.

Forgive. Let go. It turned out the way it had to. Realise that this was all about preparing you for what's next - you're still clinging to the practice, thinking it was the 'real deal'. It's not. It never is. I can't make you see this - what right do I have - but I know who will.

Goodnight, godbless.

"It's the way it is". I've just had that conversation with my 11 year old son who's upstairs in bed, in tears, because he didn't go to the same High School as his classmates from Primary School. I have moved away to another area, and even if I hadn't my ex-husband didn't want him to go to the High School that he's pining for.

I know your situation is different, but in a way it's the same. "It's the way it is" and if you spend your life mourning what could have been, what you wanted it to be, then you do cause yourself so much pain and misery. There are many things in my life that I would have preferred at some time to have turned out differently - I would have liked to have had a strong and happy marriage, I would have liked to have had more than one child, I would have preferred to live somewhere else. But this is where I am, this is the life I'm living, and being able to live in the present moment, to let go of what might have been, has released me from the pain, at times in the past excruciating pain, of looking back to what could have been.

I am where I am, and I am content to be here.

It's hard, to let go, but unless you do, and yes, there is forgiveness - of yourself and of others - you won't be able to find contentment or peace. You will be denying yourself not only your future, but also your present.

You've posted elsewhere on WP about traumatic events in your childhood. If you haven't already, then please find a skilled counsellor who can help you. I was abused as a child, and am currently seeing someone about that. It's not so much counselling as being helped to reconnect with myself in ways that I can't yet describe in words. It's difficult, and at times very painful, but I am feeling more together.

Every time someone tells me to "let go" - whether its a tragedy, a relationship, or something else - my answer's always the same: "How?"

Sadly, the responses I usually get are "ask God" (which I have, repeatedly) and "just do it", which was the slogan for Nike last time I checked.

One of my biggest questions for a long time has been about God saving me from suicide 11 years ago. He literally gave me a vision of my own funeral to save my life, with Michelle (no one else) being at my gravesite. Try as I might, I don't understand why He would use an image of her to save me, if He didn't want us together. I was at the brink, desperate for the pain I felt at that point to end...and of all the reassurances possible, God gives me a reminder of someone I love, whom I'll never have? Where's the justice in that?