Consent or Rape?

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Oh dear.
Send address, I will send a copy of OBOS.
(There are many reasons why a woman might be into you and not get wet. Also why she might be wet but not want to have sex. The message all around here is "do not assume". Also, I promise you that "but judge, she was, you know, wet!" is not a viable defense.)

^ each to their own. I don't mind getting my hands dirty if there's a genuine medical emergency, but I find it difficult to maintain any kind of arousal if there's a... butcher's dustbin to contend with.

Better to ask.

LOL....I did not state, anywhere, that lubrication necessarily indicated willingness.

My point is: I only "assume" if there are indisputable signs, plus an assenting smile. I'm very cautious.

The precise definition of "indisputable" is known only to the two people present.

I'm going to look in Barnes and Nobles now; I had never heard of OBOS before.

Thanks for the offer .

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 09 Jun 2014, 1:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you don't feel comfortable asking. You can state what you want. "I'd really like to have sex with you." and if you're not comfortable with that - then you can use a common euphemism like "sleep with"

But not explicitly asking does not = rape.

On the other hand. The last guy I slept with before my current fellow he verbalised every step of the way until "do you want to get a room?" - and by that point it was very clear what was intended.

Well, I once had a girl rubbing up against me and talking dirty. I just froze and wasn't able to say I didn't want to hurt her marriage. Whats to say a girl wouldn't freeze also or be too scared to resist. Why is it wrong to ask a girl if she wants to have sex, but it okay to ask her if she wants to sleep with you. Sounds to me like emotional semantics. I would rater have certainty than accidentally hurt someone only to find out after the fact.

That's the point, you ask.

This site's pretty good: http://www.dal.ca/dept/hrehp/get_consen ... o_ask.html

The training seems to be pretty good in Canadian universities, btw. Once had a killingly handsome Canadian guy ask me, in the middle of things, "Do you like having your salad tossed?" Both hilarious and hot. "May I [do this very hot thing]" is also v. sexy. But listen and back off at the first sign of discomfort, freezing, absence of enthusiastic/coy assent, etc.

I think it would really depend on the type of person what is considered inappropriate or not. I will leave the rape topic out.

I already know that I am pretty traditional with how I approach women, which means I want to do the asking out and do some pursuing (make it clear I am interested). I also know that I am polite, which means I am likely to be respectful when I get a clear "no" for an answer. Indecisiveness/ confusion on their part will likely have me confused and I will likely choose not to proceed. But for the most part, I know when the girl is interested and wants to take things further. Me and the girlfriend talk about sex, it's really not that big a deal to talk about it. Some seem to place some complicated rules about what they can and can't do, especially when it comes to bringing up sex and talking about it, or even asking. I think if someone wants to complicate things or make it difficult for you when it comes to talking about sex, it is a clear "not interested in you" answer.

On the flip side: I am not always sincere, so women approaching me might feel offended with how I reject them. I am also not considered playful, so I have a tendency to not pick up on cues from playful people about their interest (in all fairness, playful people have a hard time convincing people they are interested as well).

some of their questions seem like they might ruin the passion which is part of my fear. did his way of asking work without killing the mood?

so like would you like it if i slipped my hand down...? would that be better. I don't know if i could though I get shy during this stuff. saying it over text is ok, but once in person. :S

should i ask every time we make out? or eventually just go for it and stop if she says no.
besides the fwb/ons i had which the whole purpose was for sex. the furthest I've got is cuddling and making out with two girls(separately) I would kiss them and every so often ask if it was ok or if it felt good. even are you ok a few times(when she made sounds) scared me at first. I don't have much expeirnce but one thing i feel confident about is foreplay and getting a woman hot. just wish i could master the how to get a first date.

on another not whats the best i find you super attractive and want you but I don't want sex now, way to say no. I am shy about sex, and while my body wants it I don't want more then cuddling/kissing maybe foreplay the first few times. I am submissive though so if they push it I will likely just. well i hope it never happens.

luckly all the times we made out there were people near by and couldn't , cause both told me they'd wanted to have sex(more polite way of saying it) I view sex more emotionally, i don't want it til i'm ready.

I guess i'm kinda a tease

I have the SAME problem..Especially with one woman who SAID no penetration then was pissed i lost my virginity elsewhere....I TOLD her i CANNOT read even obvious nonverbal ques...Welll i can but it seems there is like a 6-24 hour delay..I will literally wake up going "OOOOOOOOOH SHE WANTED SEX!"

Then que kicking myself..Also i cannot just do it it seems..I have various issues that actually have lead me to be TERRIFIED of being charged with rape false or not. Which yes turns alot of women off.

In essence due to various things i seem to have traits of a woman repellent LOL..Ironically not because of my looks or even personality per se(or so i have been told) i just lack self assertion and the ability to put my needs up higher/just act.

For me, sex has happened naturally.

Granted, it's taken me time to pick up on the non-verbal cues, but I've recently been lucky enough to have a rather understanding woman in my presence to give subtle easy-to-read 'pointers' if you like.

Just things like "May I?" etc.

Sly, I just said he asked while being superhot about it. No, it did not kill the mood, if anything it enhanced the mood, plus I dig a polite guy who cares about what I want and knows how to use the whole languaging function. There was nothing unemotional about it. And as it happened, I had invited him to bed for sex, explicitly and also telling him in actual words that if he didn't want to have sex that was okay too. He was asking about whether doing various things was all right with me, whether I was interested, into it. A couple of the things he wanted to do I didn't want to do, and I said so, and we moved on to other things, no problem.

With practice you'll get over the shyness. It will help if you date women who aren't ashamed of liking sex. And in the meantime you should also practice saying no -- there's a page on that site that can help you learn how. Don't let anyone push you faster than you want to go. All this stuff applies to men and women both.

If the woman says no, and then she's angry that you had sex with someone else, that's her problem. If what she actually meant was "please wait for me to be ready," then, words, she needs to put these things into words (and wait for you to agree). Nobody should be expected to divine that. It's not your problem.

You might notice that all this stuff is about *basic courtesy*. And it extends to you, too. Notice how far at odds it is with the PUA ethic that starts with the idea that you have to trick women into sleeping with you.

I seem to experience this 6-24 hour delay from time to time, and not only in relation to sex (which I don't even like). It happened to me twice as I looked for a particular girl, saw her (once she even waved at me), but I couldn't link it until after 6-24 hours of analyses of what happened, at which point it was so obvious it was her, but then I had missed the opportunity. I really don't get this, as I'm usually quite quick to connect other things in real life.

Play along.
Let them lead.

Let them lead until you know them well enough to understand what their personal cues mean.

It's really, really weird to ask "Do you want to have sex?". It's much better to push your boundaries very carefully and make sure that they're comfortable with it the entire time.

Exactly. Starts with a kiss. etc.