Woman, how is a guy supposed to listen to you?

Post Reply New Topic

My question is, why is the topic started with "Woman,".... who is this singular woman that you are talking to? And maybe you should take a class on how to be empathetic and practice reflective listening. That's the best way to listen. I'm sure there are also links online that would help you. It's not so much the listening, either that is so important. Moreso the fact that you are taking an interest in us/ our lives that is so nice.

very rare? yeah we tend to be pretty rare where i live too but unfortunetly i always get the friend card in that deal there yet i put so much time an effort into spending time with them and just giving them my undivided attention and they go off and do the same stuff over again >.>

To the above poster, maybe there is some other reason why they are not seeing you as a possible mate... I mean, it is great to be a good listener, but if there is no romantic "chemistry" or whatnot, then it probably won't happen. And maybe there is a reason that you keep attracting women that keep going after these same guys "and do the same stuff over again"... Just something to think about.

To the above poster, maybe there is some other reason why they are not seeing you as a possible mate... I mean, it is great to be a good listener, but if there is no romantic "chemistry" or whatnot, then it probably won't happen. And maybe there is a reason that you keep attracting women that keep going after these same guys "and do the same stuff over again"... Just something to think about.

Here is a good quote I found: "Guys, if you're truly interested in a young lady in here, listen to them ... Listen to them talk about their likes and interests, and ask good follow-up questions to show that you are interested and paying close attention to what they have to say." Honestly, that is the best way I have heard.

Just don't listen to 'em.....if you're interested in them, anyway. You listen to them, and next thing you know, you're worth less to them than an old shoe.

I agree with what some already wrote: If you want to be a good listener, don't focus on helping to fix the problem(s) she's having. Many times women just want to vent. Aspies tend to want to show they care in practical ways, and quickly start thinking of solutions. This may be the last thing the woman wants; it's often therapeutic to just get it all off your chest.

Unless she asks for advice. Maybe instead of offering advice, ask: "Is there anything I can do?"

As a NT woman with an Aspie husband, I've noticed that he doesn't feel comfortable giving affection if I'm not being warm and friendly (and initiate the affection myself). What women who are upset often want is not only to be listened to, but to receive affection as well (a hug, hold her, etc.), and to hear kind, reassuring words. This last bit doesn't seem to come naturally to Aspies either.

However, don't let the woman walk all over you, as CynicalWaffle said. If she's upset and wants to vent, that's one thing, but if she wants to unleash her anger at you, that's another. Make sure to set boundaries on how you're talked to. "Please don't talk to me like that, it hurts my feelings" would be a good thing to say; if she continues to berate you, you could say, "I understand you're upset, but if you're going to be mean to me about it, I'm going to go someplace else until you calm down."

I have found that the venting part is the most important part. A lot of girls (and a few guys) at school come up to me just to talk and vent because I have a reputation for listening. One of my friends' girlfriend even comes up to me once in a while to vent about my friend/her boyfriend. In 95% of these cases, they really don't want advice or a fix, or even anything beyond actually listening and periodically letting them know you are.
However, there is that 5%. My best friend was having trouble with one of her friends, and vented about it. I could kinda 'sense' that wasn't all she wanted though, so I asked if there was anything I could do. She answered she didn't know, and I went off on some Dr. Phil stuff that she found helpful.
Standard Operating Procedure: Listen, Actually listen, Respond to assure you are listening, make sure to let them finish, and then ask if you can do anything. If they say yes, help to the best of your ability.
I *have* noticed differences in venting, speech mannerisms, and smaller nuances between males and females. It took a great deal of studying these however, before I accepted these differences, though. And they are not universal.

^^ Very wise advice!

From my own experiences I tend to find that most of my ex girlfriends and my wife continually tell you that you aren't listening to them when you are. They seem to believe that you switch off or are laughing inside when they are trying to be serious with you.

It may also be a bit of the supposed 'lack of empathy' in there as well. A cry wolf sort of syndrome where my wife will be continually complaining of this or that discomfort, when shes not doing that she is complaining about life and hows ours is so bad (is it??)

I struggle to have sympathy or show compassion when I am hearing something everyday. Like I said Cry Wolf. This hurts, that hurts, this aches, that's sore, life's not fair, we should have this, why don't we have that, this person has this blah blah blah........It ends up being a case of I am listening, I am trying to understand...but I will not give any reply that is more than just acknowledgement of what you are saying because I want you to stop sooner rather than later.

She often goes on about a pain or ache or whatever and I will say 'have you rung the doctor' to which I get a moan about doctors or pointless this and that. Well if it is so pointless stop moaning about it.

Another problem r.e. listening to things that aren't just moaning for sympathy is that I can't take too much chit chat. I am praying for it to stop. lol. When she goes on about what someone else is doing or how a friends child did this or what I think of x. I have learnt over the decades to try and be polite but I'm sure it is noticeable that I am soooo waiting for you to stop. lol.



If you are there, then you are a listener If you weren't and she wanted someone to listen she would come looking for you.

Last edited by supercoley1 on 15 Aug 2014, 5:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.

i'm curious: why are you married to someone who, when she talks, all you can think about is how much you wish she would stop talking? i really don't understand relationships like this at all. what is the point? this is why i am single--i don't understand the draw of such things.

I have no idea. There are good times, it's by no means a bad marriage. 9 years would suggest that. I have no idea. I struggle with the concept of love, compassion, empathy, sympathy But I do love the good times.

I guess it is very hard for me to try and tell an NT how I feel without the whole house of cards crashing down and me being isolated with nothing but family. Thats because NTs could not comprehend it without thinking it was a statement of fact. I am not so good with words when spoken and it is easier to not voice philosophy that could be mis-understood or mis-interpreted unless you are not worried aout the risks.

Some Aspies agree that they do not really understand love, empathy, sympathy, compassion etc. I struggle with them all but not saying I cannot feel any of them.

Its like the old one:
Question: How do you know if you love someone.
Answer: You will know when it happens.

Err what? So do you know when it happens yet many then realise they didn't know when it happened because while they thought it happened it hadn't and therefore because they now knew that it hadn't happened then it couldn't have been love?

I think I love my wife? but I find the concept of 'you will know when it happens' very hard to fathom or take in. I have sympathy for people until it becomes a recurring thing when my mind starts to be doubting and cynical. I have compassion and empathy but much like sympathy they aren't limitless.

So yeah I listen but its hard whether it be the 'broken record' or small talk. I find it very hard to listen but I try.

I hate this! I hate when they come to me to vent!! ! What do they see me? A ventilation fan??

I try hard to be a good friend, you know, but seriously they don't know when to stop venting.

And it sucks when you are friend with both parties, you're neutral with both and the venting one wanting you to side with him/her (usually her); and the venting one isn't always right.

As a thumb of rule, you just better shut your mouth and nod your head till the venting storm ends.

perhaps the question i should have asked is: do you actually LIKE your wife? not love, but like, as in do you like the person that she is? because i have to say, from the way you've described her, it sounds like you are talking about someone you are stuck with and not someone that you chose to be with. just an observation. when you are with someone you actually like, enduring their company doesn't feel like a chore, even to someone on the spectrum. socialising generally can be tiring for us, but when we are with those we are close to, especially when at home and away from the rest of the world, being around them should not be so trying. if it is, i think there are more issues at hand than just ASD--as in, a personality mismatch.

I'll keep it brief because its not my thread but yes I do like her. I think I love her and I explained why I say think We get on fine the majority of the time. We both bore each other to tears the rest of it. Maybe I make it sound like it is much more frequent than it is. We aren't at all a 'joined at the hip' type couple. We have our moments of togetherness and our moments of undescribingly joyous isolation