Long term AS/AS just found out about other women

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Sounds like a very strong sexual mismatch.

A huge proportion of people want to go at it every other day or every day. I'm one of them, my girlfriend is one of them, your partner might be one of them.

Let him go, if it's this much of a problem. He's just resisting the change in pace his life will take if it falls apart. You'll both be happier if he's free to go do whatever he wants without having to worry about hurting you.

Then why the f**k would he tell me 1-2 / week is fine, I could go every day as well and he knows that. I also dropped 60lbs over the last year and have been steadily getting prettier, I got my teeth straightened and my hair is really long and shiny. I haven't looked better in years and I just can't get past this inconsistency.

WHY WOULD HE still make the effort to be with me, be sexual with me, everything! if he was seeing someone else, it makes no damn sense. Is it the low pressure for sex with me ?? he can have any time he wants he just doesn't ask so I don't know, he is just pretending all this patience and whatever so he can go be a pervert online!? WTF I just can't get my head around this at all.

Maybe he is addicted to looking at other women online and masturbating while doing that. You also mentioned that he is an alcoholic (he drinks daily) which also indicates that he is prone to addictive behaviour. An addiction cannot be controlled, it controls you.

How do you know that he is seeing someone else?

Has he ever refused to have sex with you when you initiated it?

Hm. Guess I was wrong.

Addicted to porn, perhaps, and is trying to hide it in case it hurts you?

Ugh addictions.... He does have an addictive personality, smokes weed, cigs, drinks daily; and I suppose the sex thing is still there, I would be enabling sex addiction if I increased our frequency, I do moderate the other substances as I have a family history of multiple deaths due to alcoholism. Who knows though I'm a daily pot smoker too to deal with my lingering past issues so I enable that too.

I've known for years we're dysfunctional in many ways, but like most people in our situation we believe love will get us better. Maybe it will, maybe not, I'm not ready to let go of this great guy just because he has some powerful demons to vanquish. I have dealt with many of my own as well.

Counseling for him? I don't have any real faith in suggesting it because he's seen it not work for me.

Does he admit that he has those addictions? Is he fine with being addicted or would he like to get rid of some of his addictions?

If he does not want to change himself, there is not much you can do: either accept it or leave him. Alcoholism is probably the most dangerous of all the addictions you have mentioned.

kirayng, it's normal to masturbate, and in the range of how humans go, wanting orgasm more than 1-2x/week is pretty normal, not hypersexual. The things that sound disturbing here to me are:

On his side: lying to you, and getting off to pix of his coworkers (very creepy for the coworkers)
On your side: insisting on the idea that he is literally supposed to have eyes only for you, and the "mirror mirror on the wall" idea that if you fit a certain mold, you'll just outshine everyone else and he won't be attracted to any other women.

It's totally normal for people in committed monogamous relationships to notice and fantasize about other people. Just part of being human. People don't suddenly go blind or have a libido restructuring just because they're in a relationship. The question is whether, in actual real life, they act on it -- approaching those other people, starting affairs, etc.

I'm not a huge fan of most of what Dan Savage has to say about women, because he doesn't seem to know a hell of a lot about us, but he's worth reading just to get some sense of how broad the spectrum of sexuality and urges is. What people are doing. The advice column's called Savage Love - take a look if you haven't.

Incidentally -- sexual tastes line up remarkably seldom with magazine-model-how-people-are-"supposed to"-be-hot tastes. One of the things women are chronically surprised about, when their husbands stray, is that the other woman's kinda dumpy, not glamorous, not even all that pretty. But the guy does very much want to have sex with her.

hang on there -- there's a difference between "drinks daily" and "an alcoholic" (are we talking about one beer or six?).

I agree that it depends on how much you drink and why you drink. I assumed that it had to be an unhealthy amount. Why would kirayng mention it otherwise?

Well, I don't know. She's also upset because he gets off to fantasies beyond having sex 1-2x/wk, and I think a great many people would call that dead normal. So it may be that he drinks moderately, but to her it's a lot, or he's a 12-drinks-a-day guy -- no way to know.

I'll agree that alcohol is a dangerous addiction since it is more likely to cause people to lower their inhibitions compared to smoking or medication might. But as an ex-smoker and ex-pot smoker as well, I found the cigarettes only increased my stress (as well as increased acid reflux, drier mouth and all sorts of other health issues that aren't quite existent now... I've had much more energy without it and I don't need to take antacids nearly as much). I may have gained about 15 lbs since and I know that I could watch what I eat. I would argue that alcohol wins based on the fact that it is more likely to affect mental health than nicotine, caffeine or sugar would. I found smoking pot actually increased my anxiety and stress.. hence the reason why I shouldn't even consider taking a toke.

Pornography and orgasms are addictive too. We like the feeling of an orgasm. Who the hell doesn't? But pornography is pretty destructive to the mind as well. Part of the reason why is... reinforcement to men that size matters to women (i'm arguing the men's side... don't know what any women would say about the issue they might have with porn). A man's ego pretty much gets destroyed when he hears that he is not good enough in bed or that his cock isn't big enough. And the women I have been with in real life have only really been with men who weren't bigger than 7-8 inches at the most. Some will even say that bigger than that is too painful. Physically, I believe porn addiction can cause erectile dysfunction (OP, you will likely know the answer to that and you don't need to share that with us either).

So if your husband has an addictive personality OP, I would say that he needs to understand why he is addicted to certain things.

that's disturbing. I wouldn't do that with women I know from life. only except is gf with permission.

other things are hard to tell. could just be going out. as for money I have learned to be secertive with mine as if not my family expects me to spend it on things I shouldn't. might be a habit that will be hard to break with a gf.
I don't get drinking. just seems like a wast of money to me. though i consider trying to see if it can drown out my depression but seems likely it would make it worse.

losing a love can be super hard. I can totally understand how it would leave a big gap and not know what to do and I haven't even had a gf.



to make you feel better about not doing it often. o.O hmm. not sure then. if I had someone willing to do it daily or more I would go with that. I do vary though day to day. not sure why getting more pretty would effect it.

one of the reasons people cheat isn't cause they are unhappy with their spouse and sex, but cause they want variety. so they will have sex with spouse and the person on the side perhaps more. I don't suffer from this, so i can't really understand it , but thats what the studdies have said.

low pressure for sex, as in you don't ask for it?

don't know perhaps, maybe he enjoys the taboo or creepy ness of the act. suppose it isn't impossible. still could be he thinks you don't want sex often and you thinking he knows could be wrong. it isn't uncommon for people to think people know something when they don't. just possibilities mind you . As I can't know.

but a woman would have to tell me flat out or i'd just think she didn't want sex.

Okay, so one reason people do sexual things is to retreat from real life.

Think back to when he watched a lot of porn in the beginning of your relationship, and then again a little later (in think you said in a middle stage of your relationship). What was going on then? Any transitions that were particularly stressful to him? If he's an Aspie, routine might be important to him; any break in routines during those times?

Now think about now. You just got a new job. Are you making more money than him? Advancing your career while he wishes he was? Or is it a more time-consuming job, that will mean you see him less? A job that pays less? (Maybe he's stressed about money.) A change in career paths when he wishes he was changing his career path too? You don't have to post your answers, of course, but just brainstorm some thoughts on your own at least.

I think if you can find a common denominator between each time period his sexual arousal with other women (whether porn or online pics) has spiked, you might have your answer.

A lot of times people do things to escape the stresses of real life. If he has addictive tendencies, then this is a quality of his. Drinking, watching a ton of TV/movies, master baring, etc., are all mental retreats, ways to temporarily escape real life.

Any thoughts on what could be bothering him? Maybe it's as simple as there's been a change. A new job is a big change. Early on in the relationship there was a change: he went from not being with you to being with you. Maybe there was a big change in the middle of your relationship too, when he was watching a lot of porn then too.

I don't know, just a thought. I have read over and over again that some Aspies have a really hard time adjusting to change, like changes in routine, for example. That could be enough to have him run back to his crutch.

Oh, and one other thought on change:

You said you're increasing your attractiveness. Maybe that's threatening to him in some ways. Maybe he fears his hot wife will meet someone new at her new job. So he then looks up cute girls at his job, and then masterbates to them while pretending that he could get them if he wanted... Thus making himself feel better about what he subconsciously feels is the potential of losing you to a co-worker.

Again, just a thought!

I'm not a psychologist, but I do have a degree in psychology, and must have read a hundred books in the field outside of any formal education. It's hard to know what someone else is thinking, especially not knowing them, but his behavior seems to show distress. That part is clear to me.