Is this an aspergers moment or are people just stupid?

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Johannes88
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17 Mar 2015, 1:05 pm

League_Girl wrote:

I would have to know the whole scenario like the whole conversation you guys were having for me to to take a wild guess. This is just too vague for me to tell or to even understand it.

lol, I could pm you it actually. Maybe I should start wearing a wire too!

Well, I'm reflecting on this a little more deeply and you know. You ever have a moment where you're making an assumption when you don't even know you're making it?

Well, if i plug that little bit of information things kinda make more sense because, actually looking back, I think she's kind of bating me into asking her out on a date. Her exact response to her coming to my house was "I don't like to plan out the whole relationship, especially before I've even had dinner." But of course, that one went over my head. I'm like, still in the chatting phase. haha

I usually kind of expect this whole thing to kind of go on for like a week or two of callls and texting before we actually get to seeing eachother. That's actually not how I prefer it, that's just what's seemed to happen when i've been successful. But I think I'm being misled by my own success.

Moral of the story, get to the point :oops:

Actual moral of the story, don't bother conversing with anyone between Saturday night and Wednessday because there's way too much time to bridge and you just end up being thought of as a guy who's interesting but not aggressive :lol:

I believe the chances of flaking increase exponentially with the number of days until you see eachother but hey, maybe that's just me.

Vomelche
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18 Mar 2015, 10:10 am

Yeah I would agree with some of the previous answers, seems like typical online dating nonsense. For all we know some of those people cold be even paid to spin your wheels.

Girlwithaspergers
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18 Mar 2015, 11:53 am

I think the fact that you said something about driving to work the next day meant she assumed you wanted to meet up for a sexual encounter. That's what I would have thought and I'm not NT. Maybe you should clarify? Ask her to dinner at a restaurant maybe instead of going to your apartment.

f9
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18 Mar 2015, 12:09 pm

I agree: mentioning home = associates with sex.

She interpreted it as 'come to my bed'.

IMHO Correct answer would have been 'We could meet at (insert a place name equal distance from you)' or 'I could visit (insert her town) on Saturdays' or 'I'm sure it can be worked out'.

Something like that.

Girls (NT AS alike) are not always that keen on being told 'you could come here'. It just sounds dodgy to girls. Like an invitation to dragons den.
'I could go there' is usually safer.

DW_a_mom
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18 Mar 2015, 2:18 pm

As already mentioned, some conversation topics have strong and clear associations in the dating world, and "staying at my place" = sex. So, yeah, you basically just told her you expected to be sleeping with her soon. So while your answer may have been meant as a simple, pragmatic one, few women would have taken it in the way intended. So, be careful with the direct, honest, answers. Probably the safest thing to do is ask a question back, like "what do you mean when you ask that?" And when it is obvious to you that someone is reading things into your answer that you didn't intend, try something like, "I must have misunderstood your question. Maybe we can try again?" You may also find yourself forced into revealing your ASD status earlier than intended, but that is up to you.

My NT daughter is now friends with a girl my ASD son has been associated with at school for years, and it has been interesting to start to hear tidbits about it from the girl's side. All I've known all these years is what my son thinks has been going on, and it is getting pretty obvious that he really has been totally clueless. I wish girls could figure it out sooner and just tell guys who are like my son what they mean but, having once been that age, it isn't like the girls magically have all the answers, either, so I guess you're often stuck with two people operating on totally different assumptions and hoping for a little luck in the communication department.

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DW_a_mom
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18 Mar 2015, 2:21 pm

f9 wrote:

Girls (NT AS alike) are not always that keen on being told 'you could come here'. It just sounds dodgy to girls. Like an invitation to dragons den.
'I could go there' is usually safer.

Women are very vulnerable when in a guy's territory. You have to really know and trust a guy to go there. All relationships have to start in the out-open public.

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goldfish21
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18 Mar 2015, 3:44 pm

Obviously she interpreted your offer for her to stay at your place as you making the assumption you were going to be sleeping together. If that's what you intended to imply, well, she got a little scared off by that.

If you were just simply talking logistics and offering for her to stay over and sleep in a separate bed/couch etc vs. driving home, then you need to clarify that as it's obviously not the way it came across.

But you did say you were intending it to be flirtatious.. and she didn't react well to it. Maybe the two of you aren't very sexually compatible if you're open to hopping into bed together and she isn't. Maybe this little snafu conversation's value is in exposing that incompatibility?

As for 40mins... lol it's only 40mins. My drive home from work is 40mins if there's no traffic. A 40min drive wouldn't prevent me from dating someone that time/distance away. Some peoples' worlds are SO small.

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sly279
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19 Mar 2015, 2:27 am

DW_a_mom wrote:

but if you ask too much to clarify then they see you as lacking confidence as guys are suppose to be all knowing and decisive. not sure where or if there's a balance.

girl not into your son?

nick007
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19 Mar 2015, 1:42 pm

I probably would of made the same mistake which is why I'm much better off with an Aspie

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DW_a_mom
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19 Mar 2015, 1:55 pm

sly279 wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

but if you ask too much to clarify then they see you as lacking confidence as guys are suppose to be all knowing and decisive. not sure where or if there's a balance.

girl not into your son?

No, she's into him, but has figured out he is too clueless to have a relationship with anyone right now.

Guys don't have to be all knowing and decisive. Different women like different things in men; my husband is super smart but was incredibly awkward with our dating. Silly stuff only matters when it is the wrong guy; when it is the right guy, you acquire this magic ability to roll with anything.

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sly279
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19 Mar 2015, 9:17 pm

but don't' you only know if he right guy after dating? dating today is all about finding the right guy/girl before the first date. so all that little stereotype stuff gets pushed to the max in order to achieve that.

goldfish21
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20 Mar 2015, 12:27 am

sly279 wrote:

That's a pretty interesting observation. I hadn't ever really thought about that.. but I agree, you're right - dating today is all about finding the right guy/girl before the first date. This is quite the paradigm shift in dating that I never even really thought about before.

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Vomelche
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20 Mar 2015, 1:15 pm

Dating today is hooking up with someone attractive you met at a party, after having a few jagerbombs.

DW_a_mom
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20 Mar 2015, 1:34 pm

sly279 wrote:

You may not be sure yet, but somehow the magic kicks in anyway. Seriously, we had an incredibly awkward first date. Oh, yeah, AND it took him TWO YEARS to ask me out for that first date. We had a great conversation the first time we met, and then things got ... weird, lol. Instinct kicked in and I never over-thought it; somehow I knew that if it was going to be, it would be.

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Jono
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20 Mar 2015, 4:16 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

As already mentioned, some conversation topics have strong and clear associations in the dating world, and "staying at my place" = sex. So, yeah, you basically just told her you expected to be sleeping with her soon. So while your answer may have been meant as a simple, pragmatic one, few women would have taken it in the way intended. So, be careful with the direct, honest, answers. Probably the safest thing to do is ask a question back, like "what do you mean when you ask that?" And when it is obvious to you that someone is reading things into your answer that you didn't intend, try something like, "I must have misunderstood your question. Maybe we can try again?" You may also find yourself forced into revealing your ASD status earlier than intended, but that is up to you.

My NT daughter is now friends with a girl my ASD son has been associated with at school for years, and it has been interesting to start to hear tidbits about it from the girl's side. All I've known all these years is what my son thinks has been going on, and it is getting pretty obvious that he really has been totally clueless. I wish girls could figure it out sooner and just tell guys who are like my son what they mean but, having once been that age, it isn't like the girls magically have all the answers, either, so I guess you're often stuck with two people operating on totally different assumptions and hoping for a little luck in the communication department.

How would you phrase it then if you want to just ask her if you could spend the weekend together but not necessarily sleep together without making it sound like that?

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20 Mar 2015, 5:39 pm

Jono wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

How would you phrase it then if you want to just ask her if you could spend the weekend together but not necessarily sleep together without making it sound like that?

If you don't want it to be assumed that you'd be sleeping together (the default), you have to specify that she would be sleeping somewhere else. Examples:

'I have a spare bedroom you could use'.
'My couch has a pullout bed if it's not too weird for you to be sleeping in my living room'.
'Do you want to roadtrip to X together? We can find a motel with adjoining rooms'.

These examples have the commonality that separate sleeping arrangements are spelled out beforehand.

The OP said 'we would be staying at each other's houses' but did not specify that it would be separate beds. Lots of people don't actually have multiple beds for guests so anybody who does have that needs to spell it out. The OP did not mention anything about a guest bedroom or a pullout couch or an inflatable bed and in fact it does look like he assumes they would be sleeping in the same bed which equals sex (it doesn't have to but it sure does imply it in a dating context).

If you invite a relative to your home or on a trip, planning how you will have separate sleeping accomodations really is part of the process. Would you invite a relative to spend the night at your home if you had no pullout couch, inflatable bed or guest room? I suspect you would not and telling them where they would sleep would be part of the invite. "Hey sis, stay at my house, I have an inflatable bed and then we'll go to brunch". This would be done the same way.

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