How to ask an Aspie to marry me?

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No. Here's the background:

We met in 1996 and had an intense, romantic relationship for about a year. The sex was unbelievable, but we spent almost no time talking or developing a friendship outside the bedroom. I broke up with him because I wanted to marry him, but he was dating a second person and would not break up with her, for reasons I did not understand. So I was convinced that I wasn't important to him and he'd never marry me.

We had no contact for the next 2 years.

Out of curiosity, I contacted him in in Feb. 1999, and we had a long talk. All the feelings and passion were still there, and he wanted me to stay with him, but I had plans to move abroad in April. We thought those plans could not be changed, but in March I learned that I could, so I could stay with him. I called to tell him right away, but we miscommunicated. He got angry, hung up on me, and told me never to contact him again. I was pretty sure he'd just misunderstood me, but his reaction confused me and scared me. He'd said not to contact him again, so I didn't, and went ahead with my plans and left the country.

We had no contact for the next 9 years.

We have been back in touch and living in the same city since 2008. We'd both gotten married, and neither relationship was going very well. We met for lunch a few times and talked on the phone, but we did not have an affair. My divorce was quick and relatively painless. His divorce was grinding hell and lasted almost 3 years, from 2009-2012, during which time we had very little contact.

Since 2012, we've spent a lot of time talking and developing a friendship - far more than at any time in the past. All along, he has expressed strong interest in sex, and we've made many attempts, but he's never been able to follow through. His reasons have made NO sense to me. His last attempt was in January. Since then, we've been talking about sex by Skype and email. Then, in March, he mostly stopped responding to me, although not completely. At no point did I have any reason to believe that he was seeing anyone else.

Truth time. Last week, I found out by accident that he got married in March. The news totally shocked and blindsided me. That's what *I* wanted - the whole point of all my efforts these last few years! I thought that was OBVIOUS!! (I'm one of those women who was conditioned to believe that it's the man's job to ask, and if he doesn't, he doesn't want you.) So, shocked, hurt, humiliated, and upset, I emailed to ask WTF???

He responded immediately and we had a long Skype talk. I asked why he married this person he hardly knows. The only reason he gave is that she has kids about the same age as his. They don't live together yet. Or have much sex. He seems indifferent about her. He shrugged and said "it's just a decision I've made."

Mostly I vented about how hurt and betrayed I feel, how upset I am that he didn't tell me beforehand, and what a sham and a bad idea the whole thing is. Later, he called to ask me to explain, in detail, why I am hurt and why I feel betrayed that he got married. He said he doesn't understand, but he wants to understand. I told him I would love to explain and can't wait to have that conversation, but it will take time. He is too busy this week, so we plan to do that next week.

I see now, that how I feel and what I want has NOT been obvious to him. We have not even been speaking the same language. I am very relieved he's still talking to me, and I want to do my utmost to communicate directly, without the fog of emotion and insecurity and social convention, and clear up the many misunderstandings here.

On one hand, I think it's good that SOMETHING finally provoked us to communicate clearly and directly. On the other hand, I'm anxious and terrified. Because ultimately, what I want is for him to nip this marriage in the bud, and marry me. It sounds nuts, but in practical terms, a divorce here would not be much different from breaking up with a girlfriend. The only additional step involved would be to file some papers and pay some costs. He's a lawyer, so that wouldn't be a big deal to him. It seems crazy, but it DOES happen.

NO NO NO! This is not ok! It is highly unethical to deliberately try to break up somebody's marriage. It doesn't matter that you think he seems indifferent or that he didn't give what you see as sufficient reasoning for marrying her. He DID marry her and it is just wrong for you to try to undo that.

Ordinarily, I would agree. But I've been in the picture for a LOT longer, and have a LOT more invested in it than she does. We were still "dating" up until the day before the wedding - yet he failed to inform me beforehand! If he had, we could have had this conversation months ago.

Besides: he WANTS to talk to me. He WANTS to hear this. He said he feels like sh!t all the time, feels like God is punishing him, and has buried himself in work to avoid her. I think I'm the one he wants, and just had no idea I was already his.

There are exceptional cases, and this is one of them. People DO make mistakes, and undoing this one will result in far less harm to all parties - including 4 children - than allowing it to stand.

Having said that: after we talk and clear up all these years of misunderstandings, I am prepared to respect whatever decision he makes.

Last edited by waitykatie on 07 May 2015, 1:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tell him this. If he's an 'Aspie' he's likely to appreciate a direct approach.

Very interesting situation.

I agree that you SHOULD talk to him about this, in very clear concise plain English, and find out if you two can/should be together. There's no sense in not having the conversation and finding out.

This is important. If he's as into you as you are into him, then he'll likely say so and take the appropriate actions to be with you. If he isn't, and makes it clear that he isn't and doesn't want to marry you and wants to remain with his new wife then yeah, you'd have to respect that - but at least you'll have had The conversation and found out once and for all where you stand with him, as a friend or as a partner.

There are actually two different issues going on here. One is him not marrying her the second is him marrying you.
Given that he's been divorced twice, marriage may be the wrong thing for him entirely. However that's a very politically incorrect idea in most cultures!

I'd have gone with possibly offended by these kind of assumptions.

Which might attract an equally blunt response. In my case a highly negative one.

Thanks for such a concise response, goldfish. This sounds exactly right to me.

I think one of the key sources of misunderstanding is that all these years, he has wrongly assumed that I view him as good enough for sex, but not good enough for marriage. 100% false! Oddly enough, I have felt the same way - that he views me as good enough for sex, but not good enough for marriage. Many rude, angry things have been said as a result. But not rude or angry enough to make either of us go away or give up altogether. We've been struggling to understand each other for years, and just haven't had the guts to speak openly about commitment and marriage - when that is what we've both wanted all along.

So when we talk, I want to explain and clarify that I've wanted to marry him all along, from the beginning, and still do. I think clearing up this insecurity, this false assumption, is critical. As a preview, I emailed him a short summary, so he'd have time to read it, digest it, and think about it, before we talk next week:


Initially, his reaction seemed bitter and cynical. As if he doesn't quite believe it. Or is angry with himself for failing to perceive something so huge. We exchanged a few more emails, and he said that asking him to marry me is an unfair question. I said that it's a perfectly fair question; what is unfair, is that he didn't give me a chance to ask it.

He stopped responding after that, and I take that as a good sign. (If he wanted me to go away and stop contacting him, he'd say so.) He is out of town on business this week, busy with work, and has to focus on one thing at a time. But I wanted to prepare him for what I will say next week, because I think I'm more mentally flexible than he is.

It's difficult, but I know I need to shut up and wait now.

Am I doing ok so far? Any suggestions? I have to get it right this time.

It's a fair question, yes, but I think it's a BS statement to say that he didn't give you a chance to ask it. You've never required his permission to ask it. You've had 19 years to ask it. If I were you, I'd retract that statement and tell him you didn't ask it out of fear he'd reject you. (or whatever the truth is, if that isn't it.)

At the present moment, I think it's a bit unfair of him not to give you an answer. But I can see his position in feeling like it's an unfair question considering he just married someone else.. and it does sound like his response is likely to shake out to be "Well, f**k. I totally would have married you, but now I've gone and married someone else who I'm committed to.. so wtf do I do now?" If that's the case, you'll likely need to give him some time and space to do some soul searching to figure out exactly what it is he really wants in a relationship and partner and whether he wants to annul his current marriage and be with you or if he wants to tell you you're a wonderful friend but you can't be together and he's going to stick with his decisions because regardless of the option you've now presented to him, he's happy with his recent decisions and intends to stick by them.

Either way, I do hope you find out and then can move forward either as ever better friends or as life partners.

It's different, buuuut, I can relate somewhat.. I have had such a strong crush on a friend for years (although it's lesser now) and a couple times have expressed it to them because I Needed to know whether we could be together. The answer remains no, because simply put I'm not their type. I'd have regretted never asking and finding out that's for damned sure. Having adult conversations about it has led to us being even closer better friends and I'd never give that up for the world even if we're never a couple. He knows I love him and want him to be happy and that I want him to find the person he wants to be with. And I know that I'll always have him in my life as the close friend he is and that in terms of a romantic relationship I need to find my match. It is what it is. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, even all of these things, our attractions, relationships, friendships etc and that we'll both eventually meet our mutual ideal partners and move forward with relationships - while maintaining the beautiful friendship (and non-sexual, ever FYI, relationship) we have. So yeah, I can totally relate to Needing to find out regardless of the outcome & know the value of Knowing so that you can either move forward or move on.

Best of luck!

No. Here's the discussion:

Me: I have an unanswered question too.
Him: What's the question?
Me: If I'd asked you to marry me, would you have said yes? At any point in time? I would have asked you months ago, if I'd had any idea you were ready to re-marry, or considering marrying someone else. So I'm asking you now. Is there any way?
Him: No. It's not a fair question. As you agreed, we've never been in a true relationship. So why would we ever get married? I'm not being mean just stating a reality that I thought you agreed with.

He's hyperlexic. It's just semantics. Just a psychological game. He has always pushed me away, forced me to endure being the second girlfriend, or held me at arms length in some way. At any given point in time, by HIS choice, we were either (1) not talking and being friends, or (2) not having sexual relations. Who on earth would propose marriage, when one of those is missing? We were never in a "true relationship" due to HIS behavior. Not mine. I have been available for and wanted both, and more, at all times.

By his own words and behavior, he has kept me in a peripheral position where asking him to marry me would have been totally weird and unrealistic. He would agree that he did not give me a chance to ask, at any point over these last 19 years. I think that's why he stopped responding. He knows it's true.

He let me verbally beat the sh!t out of him for an hour on Friday. He knows he really f*cked up here.

All he had to do was let me know of his decision, BEFORE marrying this woman. A heads-up. A warning. We were in communication and he was begging me for x-rated pics in the days and weeks beforehand! We were planning Skype sex! I was going along with it because it was the only way left I could get access to him. He gave me NO hint of what he was thinking or planning. He has been VERY unfair to me, and did NOT give me a chance.

Moreover, he made a decision that affects my life, without consulting or even informing me. I have every right to demand an accounting, and to fault him for giving me no notice or opportunity to respond. Furthermore, how was it MY responsibility to approach the topic, but not his? All he had to do was say "hey, sorry . . . can't do Skype sex anymore because I'm getting married next week." I SURE AS HELL WOULD HAVE SPOKEN UP.

But he didn't do that. He didn't say one word. We were exchanging hot emails all through January and February. He begged me for x-rated pics on March 3 (which I sent, and so did he). We were all hot and bothered and planning x-rated Skype sex on March 13. He got married on March 24. I was too busy for Skype sex at the end of March, but we were still emailing about sexy topics in April. WTF?????

We could have hashed this all out BEFORE he signed on the dotted line - and not now, after he's made a previously simple situation rather messy.

I agree that it's unfair of him to not respond right now. The wait is killing me. But he is also genuinely tied up with work this week, and I would rather talk to him when he has time and can focus. I want him to have time for everything to sink in, so our next conversation will be productive and uncluttered by destructive emotions.

OIC, interesting.

However, I disagree that his decision affects your life.

As you said, you two have never been in a "relationship" and were on the same page about that. Sounds like a FWB situation where, as is typical, you as the female got emotionally attached & he didn't.

His decision affects his life and his kids' life, but doesn't affect yours. Only your thoughts about his decision affect your life.

Nonetheless, I hope you two have some productive conversations over the days/weeks to come and you get to the bottom of it all, no matter how things shake out. Whatever the end result is.. it is what it is. Accept it and move forward with your life not matter what direction that means you're headed in - at least you won't be in this sort of limbo any longer. That's the value of communicating vs. wondering or assuming and so on.

That's not something that can be agreed or disagreed with. Like, "I am hungry." It is my feeling and perception and I'm entitled to it.


No. We've both said things in anger. He was hurling an angry statement back at me.

My true feeling is, it has always been ambiguous. I've never known what to call it. And I don't care. I don't think the label is important. What matters is that the feeling runs bone-deep. Obviously it does, since we are still negotiating, 19 years later.

And the negotiations continue still, after he has, quote, "married" again. It's a sham. He told me 3 weeks after the wedding that "too much work reduces the incidence of sex by 99%." Not exactly a horny newlywed!


Sounds like it - but no. We haven't had sex since 1996. The last time we tried, last summer, was the closest we got. In "the moment of truth," he got performance anxiety and had a panic attack. A problem he says he doesn't have with other women. Sex with me is the best he's ever had, and he wants it more than any other.

We've now clarified, he freaks out because he'd feel emotion. Intimacy. Get attached. Never be able to let go. Like it was in 1996. But he was (wrongly) convinced that I wouldn't commit or marry him. And neither of us had the courage to bring it up, because neither of realized it was such a key issue.

The only thing missing was commitment. I just didn't know he wanted/needed that, because he never used the word.

Well, there's no time like the present to have these conversations with him & get everything out in the open. Get it done.

I'm not sure what to advise about language, but I must suggest that you make sure he is listening to you. I've been proposed to twice--and I have no memory of either time because my mind was wandering at the time. Both guys had to mention again, later, that they wanted to marry me/intended to marry me. I said something along the lines of "shouldn't you propose first?" and they both said "but I did!! You don't remember?! !" These incidences were two decades apart so probably age of your Aspie doesn't matter much, just attentiveness!

Offer to take him to Comic Con at least that works for me! I can see a perfect honeymoon there!