Help me understand this rejection?

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SilverStar
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26 Sep 2015, 8:11 pm

Rabbers wrote:

I'm an NT female and this is my spin on it. I think she was just being friendly at first and when you asked her out she was trying to let you down gently. It is very rare you will find an NT who would simply say 'No, I don't want to go out with you' even if that may be the honest answer. If someone is interested and they are genuinely unable to go that day/time. They would try to arrange another time or at least exchange numbers or something to show they were interested.
I wouldn't say that how she was behaving was anything more than friendly at first. Maybe if you're n the same situation in future try a few compliments and see what reaction you get. If you get a compliment back then they probably like you and I would say it's worth asking for a date. If you just get a 'thanks' then maybe not. That's how NT's flirt in my experience. They make the conversation increasingly more flirty but always at a point they could pass it off as friendliness until they are sure their feelings are reciprocated. Only then would they risk asking for a date. I suppose it's to protect against rejection.

What really gets me about women, is that they are not direct. You can still let someone down gently, and give them a clear answer, by politely saying "no thanks".

Anyways, about the original post, I'm almost 100% sure she wasn't interested. Also, it sounded like she was a little aggrivated that you didn't get "the hint" the first time. When you walked by her friends, and everyone became silent, that tells you that she probably told all of them too. Remember, if people really want to do something (in this case, go out on a date with you), they will, or at least make an honest attempt to.

SilverStar
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26 Sep 2015, 8:17 pm

SilverStar wrote:

Rabbers wrote:

What really gets me about women, is that they are not direct. You can still let someone down gently, and give them a clear answer, by politely saying "no thanks". Why be dishonest about it?

Anyways, about the original post, I'm almost 100% sure she wasn't interested. Also, it sounded like she was a little aggrivated that you didn't get "the hint" the first time. When you walked by her friends, and everyone became silent, that tells you that she probably told all of them too. Remember, if people really want to do something (in this case, go out on a date with you), they will, or at least make an honest attempt to.

BeaArthur
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26 Sep 2015, 9:16 pm

It could be she never was interested in you "that way," or it could be she is unnerved by the idea of getting involved by a co-worker - and I don't blame her. Work is probably the worst place to look for a date, unless you have gradually become closer and closer over time - and a lot more time than in this story. If things go badly with an office romance, it could cost somebody their job.

As you look back on this event ... I suggest you resolve to do a little more flirting before the ask, next time. (Not next time with this person, but next time you try to connect with someone else.) And connect with people somewhere besides work.

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specialsauce
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27 Sep 2015, 4:19 am

Well I'm not going to type out every little interaction but needless to say there's no reason to be friendly with me if you would also laugh at me behind my back. And now I'm almost 100% sure that she and her immature gossipy colleagues were laughing. And she'll probably claim the reason not to be attracted to me is because she thinks I'm immature. Well I'm more mature than her... I didn't even think she was the type that would laugh at someone like that. Now my opinion of her has completely changed anyway, which is good. Because I don't like her very much at all now.

And the people who would laugh with her are the truly sad individuals. As bad as things get I'll always be happy that I'm not them. But it is damn lonely sometimes.

Last edited by specialsauce on 27 Sep 2015, 4:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Sep 2015, 4:26 am

Good, now move on, and keep your interaction with her work-only when needed, be neutral, show no grudge nor admiration.

Be the bigger person.

specialsauce
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27 Sep 2015, 4:34 am

Why is everyone secretly horrible.... I'm sick of being the only person like me, and everyone just makes fun of me BECAUSE I'm honest and good natured.

People really suck.

The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Sep 2015, 4:36 am

BeaArthur wrote:

According to some stats, in fact, show that 50% of relationships start at workplace.

I personally knew many married couples who were coworkers.

The "workplace is probably the worst place to look for a date" is a myth.... it is the MOST common place where relationships start, as long no one is being a jerk and taking any relationship problems to the workplace, then no employer would give a damn.

And I agree that they progress more slowly than elsewhere, but if they click they will click.

Rabbers
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27 Sep 2015, 5:54 am

SilverStar wrote:

Rabbers wrote:

I think it is an NT thing rather than a woman thing though it is usually guys who do the asking out. I have never said a direct 'no' to someone who has asked me out. Even 'no thanks' would seem blunt like you have no reason not to say yes other than you just don't like them. Both parties tend to know the score and it's just a face-saving thing. The asker gets not to be publically rejected and the askee gets to not look heartless. If I had ever been asked out by someone who I thought would struggle with the unwritten rules I would have tried to be more honest and clear. I can see how it must be frustrating for the op and others to have not had a clear message and then have someone irritated with them for not understanding their unclear message.
And laughing at someone is just playground behaviour.

androbot01
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27 Sep 2015, 6:37 am

specialsauce wrote:

And she'll probably claim the reason not to be attracted to me is because she thinks I'm immature. Well I'm more mature than her... I didn't even think she was the type that would laugh at someone like that. Now my opinion of her has completely changed anyway, which is good. Because I don't like her very much at all now.

And the people who would laugh with her are the truly sad individuals. As bad as things get I'll always be happy that I'm not them. But it is damn lonely sometimes.

You're making a lot of assumptions. Truth is you have no idea what her thoughts or feelings are. Or what the others were talking about. You are taking this entire exchange far too seriously.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

As for the rejection itself, it was a rejection in a not-so-nice fashion, some girls feel it's acceptable to be mean to the guys asking her out who she perceives 'beneath her level', some would even feel offended.

It was a rejection but of the lunch, not of the OP. This is typical black and white thinking. She doesn't want to eat with me, she hates me, they all hate me, so I hate them.
Just chill out.

Specialsauce, you made yourself clear with her, now let it go. Not being interested in dating does not mean a total dismissal of you as a person. She just wants to be friends, so be it. Like Alex said, it's best not to date people at work. Maybe this is her thinking.

The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Sep 2015, 7:07 am

Quote:

It was a rejection but of the lunch, not of the OP. This is typical black and white thinking. She doesn't want to eat with me, she hates me, they all hate me, so I hate them.
Just chill out.

You are impossible, you're the most drama queen I have ever encountered lol.

Look, forget the romance part: Imagine you are asking to sit on lunch with a female coworker, but she gives you the stare of death and tells you in that tone "I am going to eat on my desk everyday....Alright??!".
How this would make you feel? Would you still be wanting to befriend this person?

The way the OP described the reaction is an unfriendly and mean reaction.

All I am telling him that some are like this and he should move one.
You are the one who is projecting the "All" and black/white thinking on what I said.

So chill out, and stop projecting your entire hatred of the opposite sex on others.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 27 Sep 2015, 7:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

androbot01
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27 Sep 2015, 7:37 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Look, forget the romance part: Imagine you are asking to sit on lunch with a female coworker, but she gives you the stare of death and tells you in that tone "I am going to eat on my desk everyday....Alright??!".
How this would make you feel? Would you still be wanting to befriend this person?

The way the OP described the reaction is an unfriendly and mean reaction.

That's one of many possible interpretations of the event. It hurts when you ask someone to hang out and they say no, but that doesn't have to determine how you handle it. To say that she doesn't like him is to jump to a conclusion with little evidence. Who knows what her feelings are. Giving her a little space is an appropriate reaction, being angry with her and the other co-workers is not.

And what do you mean about "the romance part?"

The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Sep 2015, 7:43 am

androbot01 wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

By that I mean there's no romantic motif.

Did you try to imagine the scenario?

In that scenario she didn't simply say no, she stared at you angrily and said "I am going to eat on my desk everyday....alright??".

That isn't a friendly no in any way.

At least, this how he described the encounter.

Being angry at her and her coworkers is wrong, that's why I am telling him to be neutral and keep it professional only, no grudge no flirting.

Venger
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27 Sep 2015, 7:53 am

specialsauce wrote:

It takes a guy like me some encouragement to even try. I feel like I got that encouragement, maybe I'm wrong?

How can not interested in someone involve looking at them a lot? Although she seems to stop and start doing that at random.

It's better to initially watch for clear signs of disinterest. Such as: her not acting exited upon first seeing you, ignoring you when her friends are around, referring to you in 3rd-person, etc.

If a girl that you're around regularly doesn't like you. She'll almost always "make sure you know it". They only pretend to like you if they're not going to see you again much, if at all(i.e. not a coworker)

androbot01
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27 Sep 2015, 7:54 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

By that I mean there's no romantic motif.

Like flowers or candles?

Quote:

Did you try to imagine the scenario?

Of course. And I think it's open to interpretation.
Clearly she is rejecting the offer of lunch. But imagine this scenario ... she does like the op but does not want her co-workers to be aware of her personal feelings. So her feelings are conflicted. Or perhaps, she is only interested in a work place friendship with the op. She may not want make it more regular.

Quote:

In that scenario she didn't simply say no, she stared at you angrily and said "I am going to eat on my desk everyday....alright??".

That isn't a friendly no in any way.

At least, this how he described the encounter.

specialsauce wrote:

I asked "are you free for lunch this week?", she looked at me square in the eyes dead serious and said "I'm going to be eating at my desk every day this week to be honest..... Alright?" no smiles or counter offers, then she walks off. And a minute later I walk past seeing her and her colleague with big smiles, which they drop as soon as they see me.

The op does not use the word "angrily."

Quote:

Being angry at her and her coworkers is wrong, that's why I am telling him to be neutral and keep it professional only, no grudge no flirting.

I think this is the most practical course too.

kraftiekortie
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27 Sep 2015, 8:22 am

Don't transfer this lady's reaction to you to all ladies. Don't give up. There's opportunities out there.

Women don't want to be blunt in their rejections for various reasons. It's not a deliberate NT attempt to deceive. They are afraid of a man's reactions. They know how rejection feels. They might not feel a guy is entitled to a reason. They don't want to exert themselves by being blunt. Many reasons--some having to do with self-preservation, others having to do with compassion for rejected men. Some having to do with not being worth the hassle. Some women really don't want to date coworkers for practical reasons.

Just move on.....trust me!

The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Sep 2015, 8:24 am

Quote:

Like flowers or candles?

No no....pfff forget it. lol

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