Power struggles/double standards

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Did the pants fit you? The only thing I can figure is if she was worried you'd stretch them out or something.

I mean to be realistic my boyfriend couldn't wear any of my clothes without stretching them out, so whilst I would not get that angry if he put on a pair of my pajama pants....I would still have him take them off so they don't get stretched out.

But other then that I am not so sure what the big deal would have been.

This is a good point...and in the end if it really does bother her for you to wear her pajama pants, just don't do it. If it really bothers you if she puts your sweater on...explain to her you'd prefer that she doesn't wear your jacket but if it only bothers you because she wont let you wear pajama pants then it may be best to just let it go.

From my experience with women, getting mad about the pj's might not have been the real reason why she was mad. She could have just been in a bad mood, or something you said or done two weeks ago might have ticked her off, and this was just the icing on the cake...who knows.

Women DO hold grudges, and they remember everything (even things you done years ago), and whenever there is an argument, they almost always bring it up. Why? because many women communicate indirectly, and men don't pick up on a lot of it, because they are usually more direct, and it never gets resolved.

As far as equality goes, well, my last girfriend had the attitude that she could do whatever she wanted to me, but I wasn't allowed to do the same things to her...totally childish, and totally not fair. I can't say for women as a whole, though.

I wear 2x t-shirts and a size 40" pants(My waist is actually 38", but I have big legs from doing squats). If I'm dating a girl where I can fit into her clothes, I'm in trouble.

I sort of agree....Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut there are double standards here. Women do not want their male partners to truly equal to them. Why? Because equality to many people means that 2 peoples are indistinguishable from one another and have identical roles. Men and women ARE distinguishable from each other when it comes to sexual mechanics and reproductive roles so double standards between the 2 primary genders are always gonna be around.

This doesn't mean there's a power struggle, but most women want their men to be the "bigger person" and keep his cool when she gets upset over something trivial like this. It all goes back to the thread I posted about s**t testing by women in relationships. If you react with anger, you fail because you're demonstrating by your actions that you don't handle stress well. And your suggested response plays into this whole idea.

When I was a little girl I would use the bathroom at night, but since my mother was firm on saving energy I never turned on the light. I would sit and then . . . . Yeah. Now that I am older I always turn on the lights or double check.

I am a female and I agree. What you wrote describes my sister. . .

OP let go of the argument. Not worth fighting for at all.

Sounds to me like this was actually a classic example of female s**t testing that I described in another thread circa last month.


To aspie male, this probably seems very much like a power struggle where a woman can act like a bratty little kid but the guy has to keep his cool and be the adult. But in reality it is an example of women unconsciously acting on their emotional impulses and is very much a routine stress test. Women want men who can handle stress well and they repeatedly test them whenever they feel the slightest bit upset or annoyed to see how he reacts. I do think that for some reason she was in a foul mood and maybe it was just that time of the month for her.

I'm not saying this girl was s**t testing like you guys say women do. I'm not saying that women DON'T. I will say that sometimes people are just in a foul mood sometimes and overreact without having any motive to do so.

I will also say there is good reason for this "s**t testing". Ummmm... most guys could REALLY HURT most women if they lost their cool. It is important to find out how easily they are provoked into a rage. Guys also need to find out how whiny/bitchy their women are, as well as how much they nag. Guys do a lot of pestering, which I would call another form of "s**t testing." It goes both ways. And it's important.

BTW, these behaviors start in childhood. Watch brothers and sisters interact, and you will see. Much of the negative interactions between them are an attempt to get a reaction out of the other, and often freely admitted as such. There is a purpose to this. And there is good reason for this - they are practicing interacting with members of the opposite sex when it's time to find a life partner.

This "s**t testing" is extremely important. How can you find out if someone is the person for you if you don't try to push their buttons. When everything is hunky-dory all the time, you are not going to find out what will happen when you mess up or are in a foul mood. So, sometimes it's good to do a little bit just to test the waters, before a big blow-out happens.

And, remember, it's not just a FEMALE thing to do!

I don't think having a bad temper is s**t testing. For me s**t testing seems like something NTs do, while people with impulsive personalities could have real bad tempers that are not really s**t testing at all.



Could be, but the ND women I know with a bad temper are not s**t testing just to get to know if the guy will explode or not. They truly cannot control their temper, so people in relationships with them will need to adapt to that, and talking about it has no effect.



How does that work? I'm sure I've never done that.



Never happened in my childhood, but then I only have ND brothers. I also have both a son and a daughter, but I don't think they do this kind of thing, and daughter certainly doesn't. Still, I recognize these kind of things.



I think there are better ways to test it than pressing people's buttons. If you don't know the guy, you cannot know if he will get into a rage and hit you badly even the first time you do it. It's better to detect these traits before getting into a relationship, and even before dating or going out with somebody.

A lot of autistic women, or the ones that I know, are exceedingly inhibited and even though some of them are emotionally volatile they are not foul tempered people. They get very upset when their routines are disrupted or if their sensitivities are rattled though.

You obviously don't know much about Borderline Personality Disorder or PTSD. Borderline women often get explosively angry over very trivial things like this situation for instance and take a long time to calm down.

Being impulsive is not the same thing as being reactive! Women are generally less stable emotionally than most men but are also more inhibited.

Sure there might be better ways to test than to push peoples buttons, but you're not going to change what people say and do by trying to rationally persuade them about stuff like this.

Women are more complicated than men.

Ask bisexual girls if you don't believe me, they often eventually give up and go for men for serious relationship.
They may keep date girls for fun.

I know a few with a comorbid ADHD, and some of these tend to have explosive tempers.



I sure know about that.



I don't think that works as a general rule. Me and daughter are very emotionally stable and take stress very well, while wife and son have explosive temper and cannot handle stress well (and they also have ADHD).



Sure can't, but I can evaluate them in better ways myself.

There are a lot of guys with bad tempers because men quite often are more impulsive than women and yes I'm talking about NT people because autists are a minority of the population in pretty much EVERY country on Earth. It's usually men who are in positions of authority who have this demeanor because it helps them get what they want and forces their subordinates to adapt their behavior when they know that an ill-tempered authority figure has no patience for unruly behavior and they will get blasted if they step out of line.
I'm German(American) and in German culture the father is the head of the family and many German dads use their explosive tempers as a disciplinary tactic(which is what they do in the military).


But in modern times, married partners are of equal legal and social standing and have the right to opt out of the marriage and it's unlawful in my country for an adult to force another adult to live under the same roof without the others consent. If a man is very angry and foul tempered, his woman will see that as a weakness and not as a strength because it shows that he cannot handle stress well. I am ND and I do have a nasty temper and a lot of women are fearful of it and my foul tempered, psychotic, borderline ex was really terrified when she pushed me and I would explode at her which wasn't very often. Most women, NT and even ND, want a man who can handle stress well and keep his cool even when she is acting like a petulant child.

Nerdygirl was spot on in criticizing how the OP reacted to his gf's bad behavior. But quite frankly, if you are simply not able to control your temper then unless you have a masochistic partner you're going to end up single time and time again because people are going to get sick of living with you sooner or later.

It's often a bigger problem with bad tempered men than women since men often are stronger and can cause more harm to their partner. Still, I think there are about the same amount in both genders.



Yes, that's typical NT behavior, and it even seems like NT women want these men too because they have high status. At least if they can somewhat control their temper with them.



That's true, although I could tolerate it if the girl has an otherwise nice personality.

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