What does it take to love someone?

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There could never be a true "theoretical model" of love---it's just too complex. And it's specific to individuals frequently.

My end goal is to find a woman, it is not an means to an end but an end.

Maybe I try too hard. I try because I worry. I changed my career to make myself more eligible. This career eventually became a separate end unto itself but making myself more desirable to girls was certainly the seed of the idea.

In some ways I feel like I'm not yet ready. The trouble is money. I'd like to have at least a couple of years to save, for girl related expenses. After all weddings are hideously expensive.

If not for that, I should instead save for a downpayment on a house. Those robbers took the stuff I bought during my irresponsible years. One way or another I must now be responsible. That means I can never buy those things back. We're it not for the robbery, I could have those things and still be responsible now.

I'd like to go slower but I must go faster. The reasons for this are threefold.

1. I'm older than most people were before they started their first relationship (I don't think the one I had with that Chinese girl counted for much). I must not procrastinate, because I don't want this margin to become even wider. By this margin of years I measure my failure. The longer I wait, the more subnormal I am. The longer I wait, the greater my self-loathing.

2. Because I've already burned through a full third of my life. Bear in mind that the last third doesn't count for much. The autumn years bring pain and feebleness. I want to increase the fraction of my life I'm with a girl. I want to be with her for the final two thirds of my life, not the final third. What good is it if I should find happiness in the last small slither of my life. I want a lot of my married years to be before I get old and weak, which brings me to

3. I want it to to be while I'm young so I can be with a young woman. Remember that girls like to be with guys close to their own age. I don't blame them. This being the case, if I should wait 'till I'm 40, I might find myself beginning a relationship with a 40 year old woman. I don't find middle-aged women to be very attractive. Even the thirtyagers don't look so great in most cases. I realise that a young woman will be 40 eventually. I could gladly accept celebrating my tenth or fifteenth anniversary with a 40 year old woman but I could not accept beginning a new relationship with one. I couldn't accept it if in all my life I never got to be with a pretty young woman. If she must be less than 40 then so must I.

Young love is a wonderful thing, or so I've heard. I will never experience it but with a young woman I could come very close. I could view our relationship through her bright young eyes and be affected by her youthful attitudes.

That's why I can't wait until I'm "ready". I can't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow never comes. The longer I wait, the shorter my future will be. The best day to do something is always today.

Maybe I need to be more mature. I know that maturity comes from experience. I spent seven years sitting in my room and I was no more mature at 25 than I was at 18.

So if maturity can come only from doing than maturity for relationships can come only from having them. If I don't act 'till I'm "ready" than years will pass and I'll be no more ready than I am now. Nothing comes from nothing.

I may gain experience from many relationships but I'd prefer to have only one and learn on the fly. That way I could adapt to the needs of one girl in particular. Learning through specialisation. I could happily find myself a novice with girls but an expert with just one girl.

So did I until it happened. I literally don't even notice or care about her age now other than knowing the kid train will leave sooner rather than later. As for her appearance, let's just say she still gets carded to this day. I literally do not notice the age gap between us.


Yes, and you still have a long way to go. I know I have knocked out around a lot but only because I know you do have potential. You really do need to take a step back and stop over-analyze everything: it bears repeating that love doesn't have a mathematical formula nor does it conform to the principles of science or logic.

I can understand what the OP is going through. I'm 35, never really had a proper relationship, and live in an area where everything from my personality to my beliefs run counter to the norm and I don't really have a good option to move. The chances of me finding someone are slim to none whether I'm looking or not. I'd love to find someone, to get some proper relationship experience and eventually find "the one" and have a family. But I also have to be realistic about my chances.

I went with can't explain but to specify I think it is sort of a mixture of chemistry, they're just the one and well all the more vague ones you listed. Basically any image of how my significant other would be really just went out the window when I got with my boyfriend, aside from that he's a metalhead like me. I didn't feel like: 'oh finally a person with all the traits, looks and personality type I've always dreamed of' it was more very noticeable chemistry when we said goodbyes and split ways on our first date. And then the more time we spent together the more attached we both became and noticed we both felt entirely comfortable around each other.

The kid train? I don't really want kids at the moment. Maybe never. But I haven't decided for certain. I'd like to keep my options open. With a younger woman I could decide to have kids 15 years from now. With an older woman, it's now or never. And yes, I will take the lady's desires into account. If she's dead set against kids I won't force her to have them. If she feels like she must have kids I won't cause her to miss out.

As for 30 year olds getting carded, I've seen that too. One of my friends is 30 and she gets carded every time she buys a cider. There's a girl at work who's 30 and very youthful looking, she'd get carded too if she wasn't a teetotal.

I get that there are 30 year olds like that but remember, they're not all like that. The majority of 30 year olds look like 30 year olds. As for the youthful looking ones, I don't know if age will suddenly catch up with them one day. A 20 year old may look mostly the same for the next 10 years.Go ahead, knock me around a bit, criticize me, I can take it. Some days I probably need it. One of my faults is that I can be impulsive. Sometimes I need someone to tell when I'm about to do something stupid, so that I can take a step back and look at my plans from a distance.

If I question everything you say, that doesn't mean I disagree with you, it's just that in my view, a good way to prove something is to try earnestly to disprove it and fail. People often take this the wrong way. And yes I do have a long way to go. I think I've made some progress in the last couple of years.

No clue, haven't met anyone I really thought I could "love" yet.

If they love you, you'll love them back - nope
They have a particular personality type - ? dunno *
Beauty - nope
They have certain traits you look for - ? *
Because they date you - nope
Chemistry - ? *
Sparks between you - ? *
You just click - ? *
They're just the one - definitely nope, there is no "the one"
Don't know/Can't explain - yep

* = all the same thing

Exactly. And doesn't it make you green with envy when you see two 20 year olds walking hand in hand? I know it does for me, it makes me feel inadequacy and self-loathing. It makes me feel like at my age I must be less mature than the average 20 year old.

The thing I notice is that girls mature faster than boys. Often I'll see them, one an elegantly dressed 20 year old young woman. The other, a crassly dressed, immature 20 year old boy, wearing a stupid T-shirt and/or Justin Beiber style haircut.

It makes me think, what did the elegent, sophistocated young woman see in the crass, immature boy? What did he do to get a date with her? For that matter, what does anyone do to get a date with a girl? If I ever figure out how, I'd one day like to go on a date with a girl who I didn't meet on the internet.

Failing that, have you considered trying to chat up a nice girl from the Philippines Nist498? They're not as critical as western girls. They won't judge you, they're just desperate to get out of poverty.

What does it take to love someone?

If you're into politics, make sure you're on the same side or it will be DIVORCE for sure.

That sounds really nice. It was almost like that with Michelle. I felt a passion for her that had nothing to do with her stunningly good looks. And Michelle and I both had the same taste in music. When I offered to take her to the symphony she cried tears of joy. I still miss her.

No I'm not, you're right. I've been doing it the cheat's way. Even though Mary says her 7 year old daughter can be raised by her grandparents it still seems immoral.

Mary seems to be a bit immature for a 31 year old. Mary's parents, both in their 50s, seem to be running the household regardless. Mary seems to be much more interested in me than her poor daughter. When we're on Skype the poor girl will try to cuddle up to her mother, only to get shooed away. It makes me sad to see this.That sounds really nice. I'm just not sure how to replicate the results. If I just wait for that kind of girl, she might never come.

I'd like to chose several of them.

1. Yes, it's a good start if they love me back. It's not everything, but it's a major requirement
2. Personality type, certainly
3. Chemistry, sparks and "just click", that is part of personality type, so those three as well.

I'm fascinated by the idea of soulmates, but I've never brought it up in conversations with people [mainly because they likely wouldn't find it interesting and for fear of being ridiculed].

I've never 'chosen' someone. I either feel something or I don't. It's that simple. It's based on my emotions towards them. Only if I spend time thinking about it and picking it apart can I qualify why I love my love, but even then, if I could just assign all those qualities to another person, I might not love them. There are songs about this particular thing.

I've never quite understood how people who are 'looking' for a relationship find them, because I've always found mine as just a thing that happens. It seems wholly unnatural to me to have a goal of finding a partner; like, having that goal isn't going to get me to fall in love with someone any faster. I suppose having more opportunities to meet people might work, but still, it all seems so artificial those opportunities, that even if I were to find someone that I would be really compatible with, I don't think I would 'feel it' anyways. I personally don't think I can make myself be open for falling in love. I either will be or won't be. And it needs to be natural.

And, I might add, I don't fall in love easily. I'm 33 and probably have had fewer than a dozen crushes over my lifetime, including childhood ones. I would only say that I've been in love with 2 separate people, my most recent ex, and one man who didn't reciprocate. It took me years to get over the man I loved who didn't love me back, and it only really ever went away when we both grew in such that I didn't admire him anymore.

I believe in it too, but I don't talk about it either because most guys would probably think it's weird.

I use to say that I get a crush every ten years or so. So that's a really unusual happening. That means I cannot exactly go around dating and testing my crushes and dump them on trivialities. Instead, I've learnt to cherish them and make them last as long as possible.