When do you say "I love you"?

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Reason only works there before you get involved.

The way to get out of abusive relationships is not to decide to leave, but build up the emotion of hate against the abuser. It's the same thing as with one-sided love. You cannot decide to give up on a crush, but you can build up hate against him/her, and it will "kill" the crush. Additional evidence for this is all the women that go back to their abusive men even if they decided to call it quits when the man appeals to their emotions. If they start to hate him instead, that is unlikely to happen.



I'd rather say that the positive emotions such things cause are what build attachment, and it is attachment that keeps people together.



My opinion is more that attachment will automatically cause some types of actions. Like how parents automatically care for their children. They do this because of the emotional bond, not because society or somebody else says they have to. A relationship built on attachment is the same. A relationship only built on a decision, and not on emotions, will be more like a business relationship, with requirements for reciprocal actions, or it will end.

I mean, I kind of sympathize with her. Both her adopted parents just went to jail for felonies, and she's just moved in with her real dad for the first time in her life. So yeah, things are pretty crazy for her right now. I don't hold that against her. I just wish she hadn't waited until after we had a relationship to decide she couldn't handle a relationship.

Well you could be right, but you could be wrong. Its not unfathomable that someone could genuinely feel like they have too much going on for a relationship.

I'm just one hippie but I'm in the habit of trying to de-stigmatize this phrase. Not that I find it's something to be taken lightly, I just think hearing any such thing from me shouldn't have to come as a surprise. Honesty is the best policy, even when it complicates something.

True. lol But I'm not wrong on this! I see what you're trying to do, and I respect that. And I'm devout when it comes to seeing the best in others. But your mistake is trying to apply logic to an irrational context and expecting to be right. It's more psychology than philosophy.

If I were a betting man, I'd give her...oh, let's be generous...6 weeks before she's seeing someone, and that's if it takes more than 2.

I know I'm right on the first count, so let's not go there. I would LOVE to be proven wrong on the second, that is, she intends to start seeing someone in the next 2-6 weeks. If he could cyberstalk her without actually making contact and let us know what info she makes publically available, that would be great. I'm begging to be proven wrong on that.

The short time rules only apply to NTs. NTs always are so stressed out and impatient over everything, and there is no reason to put any truth to this. For NDs, you can easily change weeks to months, and it would still be true. In my experience, my "minimum" rule is three months, but that's the absolute minimum with no contact whatsoever.

Ouch. I get it. It would be great if you could be there for her and help her heal. If you want to take a chance and be available as a friend, don't let me stop you.

But I think it's a bad idea to get involved. The usual case is that children are condemned to repeating the sins their parents. It's a familiar pattern in human history, enough so you find it in the Old Testament of the Bible. So unless you want to get swept up in her mess, it's best to forget about her.

And I can already see how she's going to turn out simply because she broke up with you. In other words, instead of sharing the burden and letting you walk beside her, she chose her own path. Which she has every right to do, don't get me wrong. She comes from a broken home and has family baggage BESIDES that. And she's making things worse by lying to you. She didn't choose her circumstances, but lying was all on her. Oh, and not reciprocating when you said you love her. Not a good sign.

Watch her at a distance (if you CAN without being noticed, without upsetting her or doing anything illegal) and see if I'm wrong. She's going to end up MAYBE using drugs. She'll have a bf who abuses her that won't let her leave, and maybe even end up a single mom. There is, of course a good chance I'm wrong about that. Let's hope so. Maybe, HOPEFULLY, there is a light at the end of that tunnel. The most important fact we must accept is that light won't be you.

I genuinely mean it when I say hopefully those aweful things won't happen. I'm just seeing an aweful pattern I've seen repeated too many times. I'm not a betting man, but I AM a praying man. The sad reality is prayers are too often all one can offer.

What I CAN say with little doubt is she will have another bf in the near future. I'm interested in this--call it a morbid curiosity if you will. I give it 2 to 6 weeks.

She'll be IAR in 2 to 6 weeks. Don't doubt me.