Aspires and NT relationship issues

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Yes I get that from an Aspie perspective that is the case

From an NT perspective it's strange not to want to share in a close friends happiness and experience

These are our differences and where the main issues occur when trying to maintain friendships .. . . . .in my humble opinion and my very narrow experience I may add . . .

Sometimes actions speak louder than words. I can tell many people that I care about something and hope it goes well but, doesn't mean I actually care.

I think there is more to be said then that because if there wasn't than the problem of NT and AS relationship troubles wouldn't be as bad!

So there must be more that is missing. I'm not too sure what... But something!

I didn't go to my NT friend's film screening. She was nominated for an award for editing the documentary. I am proud of her, she did an excellent job. I am just not interested in that documentary and no way I would sit through it.

Did you ask him to come and see the exhibition?
I mean I would have tried to make an effort to see my friend's film if she had asked me, if I had known it was that important to her me being there.

No I didn't . . .. and I didn't mind him not being there . .. and he is busy doing something else today. That is not the issue. I am just surprised at not even a text or a comment on the phot on Facebook etc etc . . ..


Actually the more I write about it the more it does actually upset me. . .. .

It might help to say something like "i would feel supported and appreciated if you came"

I've done what i thought would be supportive and appreciative before and it was taken as obnoxious and clingy.

I didn't want him there . .. it just would have been nice to have some sort of acknowledgement.

Take into account the last time I saw him on Monday was when I ran around retrieving his wallet he had left in a cafe and delivering to him at work. . . .. .

This is the reciprocation thing. Of you have a friend you can call on to do nice things for you sometimes it would be good to do nice things in return

But of course I must take into account this:

autistic Temple Grandin described her inability to understand the social communication of neurotypicals, or people with normal neural development, as leaving her feeling "like an anthropologist on Mars

Seems you might have been more upset about it then you thought you were. Maybe he didn't know how important the event was for you. Maybe he didn't know for you he had to text or comment on facebook, sometimes when you meet someone that understands you, you forget about the little things.

I know I project things on other people and think that what I don't need they don't need either. Maybe he did that without noticing.

Thank you that is helpful


I'm more upset as the day goes on because I understand he was busy etc etc. . .. .but he is on Facebook now commenting on different posts .. . . But nothing to me. I think he probably takes me for granted.

And trust me I don't NEED a friend I have plenty .. . . But I WANT him as my friend

There is a difference. . .. . But I don't want to be taken for granted

Maybe you should? The fact that he didn't come or at least didn't ask you how it went etc shows that he doesn't think it is necessary to do that. Why doesn't he? We just don't. If he doesn't know now that he should have attended\followed up then he never will (and he should have, he is in the wrong here and you need to remember that). He'll only learn if someone tells him, and after that it's largely up to him. He can take this kind of advice about how to "act normal" and act on it, or he can continue to act as he has been doing up til now. If you do this a few times and he still doesn't change his behaviour then he probably never will, and that's going to bite him at some point in the future. But he sure isn't going to change on his own, that's for certain also.

I don't because over the past 2yrs I have tried many many times . .. . .it always works for a few weeks then he seems to forget again. It also always causes an argument or he seems sad like he had no intention to ever hurt me.

It doesn't seem worth it. I don't want an argument and I don't want him to feel sad.

I either accept this is just how it is. . .. or I walk away

It does seem like he's a lost cause. Maybe it'll take a major loss for him to finally buck up his ideas, maybe he simply never will. You can't help people who don't want to help themselves.

He's a good guy .. . .. . Maybe he just doesn't care enough about our friendship to keep the sustained effort going. . .. . .for me it's not an effort it's just normal and what I do all the time with my good friends.

He probably cares.....I bet he'd visit you in the hospital if something really major happened.

I sense that he just forgets "what he has to do" in relationships.

Like I sometimes forget to thank my mother a few days after she gave me a gift. She gets upset at that---even though I thanked her at the moment she gave the gift to me.

I wouldn't necessarily say that, he probably just doesn't know that he is upsetting you, or not meeting your expectations. As has already been said, we treat others as we want to be treated ourselves but we have different needs so that behaviour can come across as cold and uncaring.


For you it's not an effort no. Quantum physics are no effort for Stephen Hawking, singing is no effort for Whitney Houston, getting a £3m ring is no effort for Kim Kardashian. We're all different.

The behavior in your example isn't necessarily caused by autism. It could simply be a difference in personality. Not everyone feels the need for the type of attention you wanted. Look up Thinkers vs. Feelers in Myers-Briggs typology if you are interested.

I try and reciprocate when people do nice things, but it can be hard to know how they want you to reciprocate. Like if I knew someone was doing something important I would likely wish them luck...but I wouldn't know they want me to say anything about it after the fact except maybe 'how did it go' if I didn't even attend the thing of course if there is facebook stuff showing it went well I could see it seeming redundant to say anything else to someone on the spectrum.

Part of what I have come to accept is sometimes I am going to come off rude without intending to...but I don't like to hurt peoples feelings so I do try and learn how to improve my interactions or at least figure out ways to articulate I do care, but just don't know what to do so they realize I'm not trying to be a jerk or something.

Sometimes it helps if an NT specifically tells me what they want...like one time me and my boyfriend got in a bit of an argument and he was pretty upset he was also really stressed and overwhelmed with a crappy job and got rather emotional and I didn't know what to do, didn't know if he wanted space because we were just kind of arguing or if he wanted support or whatever so I just kind of did nothing. Until he thought I was mad at him or something and expressed that and I told him I wasn't mad and then I think he knew I just was at a loss what to do, so he requested I sit next to him and comfort him a bit. And from there we certainly got on the same page that sometimes I don't know what to do socially even with people I am close with....but it doesn't mean I don't care, sometimes I just need a hint as to what is needed from me. I mean I have different neurology so the things I need or don't need aren't nessisarily the same for neurotypicals, so I try to make an effort to understand the differences. I mean there is that old saying 'treat others as you want to be treated' but that can be confusing with autism because neurotypicals and autistics have significant differences in what they want and expect from social interactions.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 28 Sep 2017, 7:11 pm, edited 3 times in total.