Emotional Support

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The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Dec 2017, 5:48 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

I like Manchester United AND Manchester City.

It’s like liking both the Mets and the Yankees.

This is blasphemy!!

Canary
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03 Dec 2017, 5:51 pm

Long-term relationships are going to have good and bad periods including in people's individual lives. No such thing as all positive.

Depression is a tough and gritty topic for most people. Some are close minded about what others should feel but there needs to be a balance.

Sorry you've been feeling crummy.

RetroGamer87
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03 Dec 2017, 6:21 pm

hobojungle wrote:

RetroGamer87 wrote:

A few days ago I felt depressed. I told my girlfriend and she reacted badly. She got angry at me for not feeling happy.

I feel like I need some basic emotional support in a relationship. Not too much, basically I just need for them to listen to me when I feel sad and maybe say some kind words. I don't expect anything too elaborate.

But perhaps I'm still asking for too much. I realise that listening to a depressed person talking about how much they hate themselves probably isn't very fun. It's probably really boring. So should I just keep it a secret?

I think there are some people who only want to have a relationship with happy, positive people. That's their prerogative but it means if I feel sad I have to keep it a secret which feels horrible. Sometimes I just have to let it out but to whom?

It doesn't help that my girlfriend is very much into traditional gender roles and she views depression as being unmanly.

So in general, what can I do when I feel like I need to vent to someone but I don't want to bore them with my self-loathing? How can I deal with my depression in a way that won't put girls off?

Use your words. Tell your girlfriend what you told us. She can’t read your mind any more than you can read hers. I’ve gotten angry @ my sister for dumping her negative bs on me. I’m not proud of it. We were never taught how to communicate or have healthy boundaries. I’m working on myself. That’s all one can do. As far as getting your need for emotional support fulfilled, I’ve found support groups help. There is no relationship without conflict, but do observe your girlfriend’s behavior for a pattern of emotional abuse, if there is one. Good luck.

I talked to her about it and that turned into a bigger argument. It was mostly me trying to console her as she kept saying "you don't care about me". She got extremely passive aggressive. After this argument she claimed she had helped me feel better

How? She just made me feel worse.

She kept saying "I only want you to be happy". That sounds like a nice sentiment but it was effectively a demand for me to stay happy. I can't always meet that demand.

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hobojungle
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03 Dec 2017, 6:36 pm

Sounds like the two of you would benefit from professional counseling.

nick007
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03 Dec 2017, 7:51 pm

joemamaugly wrote:

"So in general, what can I do when I feel like I need to vent to someone but I don't want to bore them with my self-loathing? How can I deal with my depression in a way that won't put girls off?"

Find a partner who is right for you, she will understand and support you. That's the point of having a true partner in your life. If you still "feel" shes "the one" then get couples counseling to identify ways the two of you can communicate better. Keeping Depression hidden only makes it worse.

That like what I did. I talked about depression ALOT when looking for a partner & I also talked about how I preferred someone with depression or some other mental issues because we could relate better. My girlfriend does have depression along with lots of mental & physical things but I have alot too & I try my best to be supportive within a relationship. I'm an Aspie guy who actually likes emotional closeness & intimacy within a relationship & I played on that angle when seeking a girlfriend.

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314pe
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04 Dec 2017, 1:06 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:

I think there are some people who only want to have a relationship with happy, positive people. That's their prerogative but it means if I feel sad I have to keep it a secret which feels horrible. Sometimes I just have to let it out but to whom?

Talk to a friend or a therapist.

RetroGamer87 wrote:

It doesn't help that my girlfriend is very much into traditional gender roles and she views depression as being unmanly.

Everybody is into traditional gender roles. Some people lie about this to seem more progressive.

Sabreclaw
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04 Dec 2017, 2:19 am

People who've never experienced depression themselves rarely are capable of appreciating it. I'd recommend dating somebody who suffers from it herself so you can understand and support each other. Depression isn't something you can just hide, it creeps up on you and sooner or later you'll have an episode. If your partner can't handle that, they're not the partner for you.

The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Dec 2017, 2:29 am

314pe wrote:

Everybody is into traditional gender roles. Some people lie about this to seem more progressive.

Here here....listen to the married man, guys.

314pe
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04 Dec 2017, 3:04 am

Sabreclaw wrote:

I'd recommend dating somebody who suffers from it herself so you can understand and support each other.

Depressed, bipolar, aspie women are women. They expect the same things from a relationship.

wrongcitizen
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04 Dec 2017, 3:16 am

Your girlfriend is probably someone who you love a lot but I would recommend you seek out different sorts of people for different things. She can be your central focus but not your only one. People lie on a spectrum of emotional tolerance. Those on one extreme we can consider almost "empaths", people who can feel extreme amounts of empathy and pain of others and can relate to anyone easily. They offer the best help and they're extremely supportive. They will also avoid confrontation with you, so if one of these kinds of people confront you, they're probably fake. On the other hand, there are more aggressive, less emotional people. They're not quite Sociopaths but sometimes they can get pretty close. They will make great friends, they're charismatic, interesting, fun, and a lot of the time they will defend you in conflict. But they don't want to hear your thoughts, and they will either remain silent (like a lot of people with AS do) because they don't know what to say, or they will respond with aggression because they feel that you venting on them is sort of a criticism. It's like "hey, I have these issues and I'm dumping them on you because..." basically.

Just a few of my observations anyways. Most people fall on this spectrum of emotional relay somewhere. Most of us ourselves even fall on this, but we're more restricted to what we can express. I feel sadness, anger, all that stuff, but I don't know how to express it because of AS, so I come off as blunt and almost sociopathic myself. I've been accused of all sorts of things for not crying at sad movies, even though I was just as sad as everyone else. It's not that I fail to recognize their pain either. I just don't know what to say. Her angry response may be her expressing a fear to you that she feels inadequate and incapable of dealing with your difficulties, but she may still be experiencing empathy, and she probably does care.

The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Dec 2017, 3:23 am

The "Break up with her" /"Seek someone else" advise are wrong - his next girlfriend will most likely react the same. That if he can find a new gf in this situation.

Read this, it's the same point that Sly made, same conclusion by observing real life:

http://manwithoutfather.com/2015/03/12/ ... -weakness/

http://me.askmen.com/mr-mafioso/1035670 ... w-weakness

Quote:

Men’s testosterone amounts for a certain detachment from the expression of their emotions and their release. If you don’t believe this, listen to the perspective of Griffin Hansbury, a born woman who turned into a man with testosterone replacement therapy. Fast forward to 15 minutes.

Women naturally like to release their emotions and indulge in them. To them, it must seem like men are fighting themselves, but it’s just the way we are built. Notice I’m only talking about lack of expression here, not about suppression, which is not the same.

When a woman says that you shouldn’t hide your weaknesses, she plays a double trick on your mind.

The first part of the message is that you should express your emotions. Which in and of itself is hard to do and can cause guilt if you never had a male role model who initiated you and explained your body to you. The woman may actually make you believe that you are actively suppressing something – even if this isn’t true. Quite a great confusion technique.

But far more insidious is the second part of the message. The statement “Show your weakness” subconsciously creates the association: Feelings = Weaknesses.

Women don’t hide their love of confidence. Be a weakling and they lose interest immediately. But now the very source of your strength and potential confidence, your emotional base, is associated with weakness. And you are supposed to show it; or, even more heinous, not hide it – they have a right to know, after all.

This is a double-bind, a combination of two or more conflicting messages:

Show me that you are confident.
Admit that you are weak.

Also check this thread:
https://www.girlsaskguys.com/social-rel ... l-you-like

The difference between girls' answers and guys' answers are polar opposite, but I agree with this guy:

Quote:

I think it's interesting that the women are mostly saying it's okay and the men are mostly saying no. I think that's because the girls are thinking about it instead of looking at it emotionally [which is how they'll actually respond] whereas the guys are recalling their experiences.

As Fitzgerald noted, there may be no greater difference in people than that between the healthy and the sick. Showing weakness makes you appear sick, lame, and/or weak in a woman's eyes.

Lol

Sabreclaw
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04 Dec 2017, 3:45 am

So what you're saying is all women think the same?

The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Dec 2017, 4:07 am

Sabreclaw wrote:

So what you're saying is all women think the same?

What does your mom tell you when you complain? What did your father tell you when you cried?

Outrider
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04 Dec 2017, 6:59 am

Sabreclaw wrote:

So what you're saying is all women think the same?

sly279
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04 Dec 2017, 6:12 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:

So what you're saying is all women think the same?

Yes even women say so. Pretty much every woman on wp has said women like confidence in men. I can’t think of any who said they don’t. Men here get told a lot that our depression makes us look Un-confident, or our personality does and that’s why women won’t date us cause women want confidence in men. So atleast on that matter it seems all women think the same? 0.o

If women can all universally find confidence the big attractive trait then why can’t the also think same on other stuff? I dont know but women get upset about the suggestion that most women might like the same thing.
But most of not all find confidence attractive 0.o “you just have to be confident, your lack of confidence is a turn off” is what I hear a lot.

Disclaimer: not saying women have hive mind or think the same 100%. Just shy people And society often think similar on certain matters and issues

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04 Dec 2017, 6:39 pm

Therapists exist not just to help the patient but to relieve those close to the patient from being overwhelmed by the needs of the patient.
You may think you don't often ask for support often but perhaps its just that it is the same vague need expressed repeatedly. Does your significant other see that you make an diligent effort to solve your issues yourself?

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