Why do we struggle with romance?

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hurtloam
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19 May 2018, 5:01 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

Solid relationships rely on solid communication. Having a communication disorder makes that difficult.

It was definitely the social skills and communication skills that killed my son's relationship with his girlfriend, and that was despite her knowing it was going to be a tricky area (she had an ASD brother). Despite knowing it intellectually, she just couldn't turn off her natural emotional reactions to the blunt and tactless things my son would say. She got really hurt by his words and his actions, and he hates himself for unintentionally hurting her.

As for getting into relationships ... if you can't read all the social cues indicating interest, how do you know who to ask out? My son pretty much waits for women to ask him out or otherwise make it obvious. I think there have been many girls who would have dated him that he was just blind to.

QFT

Also when one is shall we say, quirky, it is difficult to meet other quirky people. It's easier for Mrs to meet otger NTs, they are the majority, not so easy for ND individuals to find other NDs.

314pe
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21 May 2018, 8:01 am

hurtloam wrote:

Also when one is shall we say, quirky, it is difficult to meet other quirky people. It's easier for Mrs to meet otger NTs, they are the majority, not so easy for ND individuals to find other NDs.

Maybe some day we will have an online community where you will have an opportunity to meet other quirky people.

The_Face_of_Boo
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21 May 2018, 8:42 am

314pe wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

Also when one is shall we say, quirky, it is difficult to meet other quirky people. It's easier for Mrs to meet otger NTs, they are the majority, not so easy for ND individuals to find other NDs.

Maybe some day we will have an online community where you will have an opportunity to meet other quirky people.

Maybe someday in the next decades.

AprilR
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21 May 2018, 9:41 am

Not a guy, but in my case i cant distinguish the happiness from being liked from liking someone.

rdos
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21 May 2018, 10:01 am

I think this one is easy to answer. It's because people believe they need to do it the NT way. People believe romance is about sex. People believe that romance is a social thing and that they need to acquire social skills to handle. People believe they need to communicate like an NT in a relationship, and that they are lacking in this area, so cannot form a successful relationship. People believe in dating, and especially online dating, as a method for forming a relationship, even when they have completely failed with both. People even believe they need to acquire status indicators like a good job or a car.

The only way to get past all of this junk-thinking is to stop believing these silly expectations about healthy relationships and start experimenting with your own preferences.

hurtloam
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22 May 2018, 1:16 am

AprilR wrote:

Not a guy, but in my case i cant distinguish the happiness from being liked from liking someone.

I'm not sure what you mean.

hurtloam
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22 May 2018, 1:17 am

314pe wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

Also when one is shall we say, quirky, it is difficult to meet other quirky people. It's easier for Mrs to meet otger NTs, they are the majority, not so easy for ND individuals to find other NDs.

Maybe some day we will have an online community where you will have an opportunity to meet other quirky people.

Personally I prefer getting to know someone face to face. Online is not the same. I am old school.

AprilR
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22 May 2018, 4:27 am

hurtloam wrote:

AprilR wrote:

Not a guy, but in my case i cant distinguish the happiness from being liked from liking someone.

I'm not sure what you mean.

I meant that when someone likes me, i get so happy and like the attention too much. I can't understand whether i just want someone to pay attention to me bc im lonely or i like the person for who he is.

hurtloam
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22 May 2018, 10:36 am

AprilR wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

AprilR wrote:

Not a guy, but in my case i cant distinguish the happiness from being liked from liking someone.

I'm not sure what you mean.

Ah I see. Most of us here don't even get that much attention for us to be able to even understand that confusion

AprilR
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22 May 2018, 1:44 pm

hurtloam wrote:

Ah I see. Most of us here don't even get that much attention for us to be able to even understand that confusion

Haha im not exactly a beauty queen its just because the guys here aren't picky. Also they seem to like shy, innocent girls. I'm sure that if you lived here you'll easily find someone too!

DW_a_mom
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22 May 2018, 3:57 pm

sly279 wrote:

Lack of well paid job and car is it for me. I don’t and will never have my life together, a lot of other aspie men won’t either. It’s pretty universally unattractive according to society

Unattractive for marriage but it doesn't really matter to someone who is not interested in marriage. The trick is finding people who aren't interested in marriage and click with you on other levels. Or that have enough of their own money and really don't care about your financial situation.

I have a relative who is highly impaired and has been in a long term relationship for over a decade now with a man who is even more impaired. No jobs. No cars. They keep each other company and the families make sure their basic needs are met. They're happy.

Life can find its way around most superficial barriers when the conditions are right. But it can't get you out of your own way. That part you have to do. That is my biggest frustration on this board: posters who are building brick walls around themselves and can't be convinced to stop.

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auntblabby
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22 May 2018, 4:33 pm

let us not forgot big ol' hairy addled T.O.M.

white_as_snow
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22 May 2018, 5:12 pm

because we have small penises.

SilverStar
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22 May 2018, 7:47 pm

sly279 wrote:

SilverStar wrote:

ShyGirl7 wrote:

sly279 wrote:

Lack of well paid job and car is it for me. I don’t and will never have my life together, a lot of other aspie men won’t either. It’s pretty universally unattractive according to society

There is an equal amount of Neurotypical men who have crappy jobs (or no job) and they don't have their lives together, either. And they still have girlfriends.

Life is about perception.

I agree. Not having a good paying job, or vehicle, isn't exactly the most attractive thing to females, but they aren't deal breakers. These things are further down on the priority list than most guys think.

There on women on wrong planet will say they deal breaks as well as most women I’ve seen on dating sites, social Media and studies show it too. Sorry but to a lot of women not having your life together is a huge deal breaker. How many women have you seen who’s date a guy on disability or who’s unemployed or even just working a crappy job living paycheck to paycheck?

You’re just being delusional. The world isn’t a a nice place. Especially the west where everyone wants to be middle class and sees middle class as the only way to live.
There’s a lot of discrimination towards poor men.

I see guys without money, jobs, or even nice cars, with girlfriends all the time. Many times, the women they are dating aren't much better off than they are, but they still found someone. Many women are looking for a guy to fill the role of the "provider", but not all of them are. Sometimes, a woman will even throw her "checklist" out the window, if she becomes emotionally attached to someone.

rdos
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23 May 2018, 3:04 am

SilverStar wrote:

Sometimes, a woman will even throw her "checklist" out the window, if she becomes emotionally attached to someone.

Certainly, because these checklists are typically tools to narrow down on the number of potential partners.

DW_a_mom
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23 May 2018, 2:48 pm

rdos wrote:

SilverStar wrote:

Sometimes, a woman will even throw her "checklist" out the window, if she becomes emotionally attached to someone.

Certainly, because these checklists are typically tools to narrow down on the number of potential partners.

In my experience, checklists too often are barriers to relationships. Like an avoidance tool. Most of the time they should get thrown out.

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