Dating article with good advice for Aspies!

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Chances are she'd want it more than I would and I've bitten off more than I can chew!

I don't think I'm an expert or that I know the absolute truth, but I think I have a few pieces of evidence based on personal experience that I've checked on 1000s of NDs and NTs. I mean, the higher infatuation scores NDs have are real, obsessive thoughts are real, and the fact that many NDs dislike dating is too. The "love at distance" issue is just as real, and most importantly, this is how attachment is built for NDs. I also have a few other traits in the ND relationship category in Aspie Quiz that have been verified on 1000s of people, and so they certainly are real too. I have a pretty good idea about how I think it all works, but that's mostly a hypothesis at this point. Others are free to create their own hypothesis. However, the idea that NDs should rely on dating advice created for NTs have absolutely no merit or validity.



So it doesn't occur to you that the failure might be related to listening to NT advice? I mean, it's not the case that NDs are less likely to be in relationships than NTs, but a majority of NDs are undiagnosed and have not been fed with dating or PUA advice. People with ASD diagnosis, OTOH, are very likely to have failed with relationships. It might be because many diagnoses are based on failure with relationships, or it could be a consequence of being diagnosed. It's anybody's guess at this point.




I have no problems with girls.

That's only valid for understanding NTs. Or do you propose that understanding NTs is a requirement for getting a partner?



It's a typical article describing dating for an NT audience, and as such, it is close to worthless for many NDs.

I think effort is important, but instead of putting almost no effort into asking a huge amount of girls for a date, it's a lot better to put down a lot of effort on a few girls that appear to be compatible & interested. And, most importantly, not to sabotage this effort by asking for a date.

Depends what you want. Some of us don't like to play mind games, even with significant others. If you want a relationship based on clear and obvious communication, why not start out that way?

For some Aspies, just talking to any attractive girl is a huge effort. This article outlines a way of getting you social skills so you can do that.




Lucky you! But a lot of Aspies need to learn the basics.

No, I don't. I would be bored to death with a relationship where I had to be clear and obvious about everything. I want a mind-to-mind connection that can be used to communicate desires and issues so I don't have to do that verbally. Something I've wanted all the time but only recently discovered actually is possible.



The thing is that asking out or even just talking to an attractive girl kills the excitement and also a potential infatuation. That's NOT how NDs are supposed to do courtship. Which is also why it is such a big "effort" (it's not actually an effort, rather it's a fight against your nature).



The basics don't need to be learned if you do things naturally.

But, just as I wrote before, the effort is quite different for NTs and NDs. NTs are supposed to put down a lot of effort on being attractive to potential partners, but very little effort in probing potential partners. NDs are supposed to put down a lot of effort on potential partners, but very little on being attractive. It's possible to put down a lot of effort in the NT-way as an ND, but I doubt if it actually is worth the trouble. However, doing mass-dating instead of trying to form close ties with a few potential partners is a very bad idea that directly will affect your success in a negative way.

Yes!! This is going to make it easier and yet it so hard for people to understand.

Easy things are not always the best.

Fundamental issue of Autism.

You have your PHD! Her family will LOVE that! Why don't you just ask her out? She dumped her boyfriend last week.

How do I do that?

Huh, just do it.

Auties, even very smart ones, will often have difficulties that seem trivial to others. Especially if they involve social skills. If you want to date, being able to ask is very important skill.

So many problems with that.

1. I don't want a girlfriend because she likes that I have a PhD (read: she will anticipate I will have lots of money that she can spend).

2. I, even more, resent the fact that her family will only like me because of my PhD.

3. Why did she dump her boyfriend last week, and when will she dump me?

So, in fact, I prefer a scenario where she doesn't know my education, doesn't know my job or income and doesn't know where I live. Even better, if a girl shows me that she doesn't care about any of that, I'd appreciate that a lot and find her a lot more interesting.



A better question is why would I want to do that?



I can talk to any girl if the intention is a professional issue (like she is a customer or she is working in a shop), or a friendship. However, if the intention is a romantic relationship, then I cannot do it. Sure, I could probably fool myself that the intention is a friendship and then go on to ask her for a date, but why would I want to cheat like that?



Never asked a girl for a date, and I'm very unlikely to ever do it. Not my style.

Woah that only happens in fairy tales you know.

It happened to me.

The type of advice you would expect from an NT.

Everyone is alike.



And you need to be just like me.

Well then that’s great! Are you still with her?

Fairy tales do come true. If anyone can break the fabrics of reality, it is Aspies. Aspies that have left the tribe and become loners and learned to stand on their own two feet have the ability to pursue ideas they believe in without being deterred by what others say. They have the power to make fairy tales come true, because they live outside the normal conventions of society.

By having a PhD, it probably means that you have the financial capacity to support a family. If you have the intellect to earn a PhD, it probably means that you have the capacity to figure out if she wants to be in a long-term relationship with you or has other ulterior motives. It is good to be skeptical. But keep an open mind. One of the key cornerstones of a good marriage is TRUST. It is important for you to be able to trust that individual with your life and for that person to know that you have their back - ALWAYS.

A Ph.D. does not guaranty understanding in any realm of study outside that of the degree -- Dr. Einstein, for example, had no idea how to maintain loving relationships with his wife and children; or, if he did know, he just didn't care.

But you already know this...