What is the difference between love and limerence?

Post Reply New Topic

Begging you say. I say "foreplay".

Thank you.
Most people don't recognise my brilliance.

pepe - you're so funny


kraftikortie - I remember Raymond... he was a good guy! I guess I don't do limerence after all but I'm still not sure. Does it have to be unrequited, literary and cerebral? Can it just be the early stage of real love where you both enjoy each other, or is it always one sided and borderline obsessive?

I'm very down to earth and natural about relationships. I might be smitten by someone but I don't idealize them or crush on people who don't return the feeling. I would rather spend time with the person than sit around dreaming of them without them knowing lolll. I like writing, but I'd rather write FOR a person I like, or write TO a person I like, than write ABOUT a person I like, and then not show them.

Of course I know what a muse is. Real relationships sometimes inspire my writing ... but I don't create or use a person as a muse or romantic archetype. The archetypes of women are pretty funny because most women aren't any of those things in real life.

Archetypes of women:
The siren, the sophisticate, the boss, the bohemian, the coquette, the goddess, the enigma, the sensualist, the lady, the diva, the empress, the ingenue and the gamine.

I think it's funny that women writers don't make archetypes of men or put them on pedestals in the same way.

I don’t create based on “archetypes” of women. I haven’t had a muse in years.

I’ve had some unrequited crushes and limerence situations—but I’ve also had relationships based on requited regard. I’m married now, and have had one other fiancée back when I was 19-20. Plus about 5 other long-term relationships.

Thanks. You were talking about limerence and muses in present tense, suggesting you still use them for inspiration. I didn't know it was years ago since you've had one. Does your wife know she was a muse or did she ever read your writing? I would want to read it if someone was writing about me! I'm sure Beatrice knew she was Dante's muse even though that would be pretty awkward if she didn't love him back!

I don't want to sound like I don't fall in love. I fall in love hard but like I said, it's always been reciprocal and I like salt-of-the earth types. Earth and dirt and mud over clouds and heaven and imagination. I'm a naturalist or realist more than a dreamer. I came to this question to find out if I'm doing relationships wrong ... Is limerence a normal step on the way to love which I've been missing, or is it a random side step that not everyone takes? Can someone like me "limerence" ?

Interestingly, my wife wasn’t a muse. She’s a very practical person, a nurse. This was more of a “salt of the Earth” sort of thing.

I have a poetic, literary side that’s been sublimated for too long. Not the fault of my wife. I want that aspect of me to re-emerge.

Only once did somebody really dig me for being a poet. But she lost interest after finding out I’m more conservative than she thought I was. She thought I was a partier, and someone who wouldn’t mind it if she slept with people other than myself. She thought I was more Bohemian than what I was at that time. She wasn’t a bad person—but she wasn’t my type, nor was I her type.

I’m sort of a Bohemian in some ways, and was really into the Beat Generation for a while. Then, I realized that I don’t like sleeping on people’s couches and getting high. I’m more the type to sit on a comfy chair and enjoy mountain scenery.

Limerence, to me, is something that’s unresolved. It may, or may not, be a prelude to something “more.” Once a situation is resolved, limerence is replaced by reciprocal love and regard.

It's interesting that you think of yourself as a poet with limerence but also an average simpleton who isn't Bohemian who married a salt-of-the-earth partner who doesn't know about their writing. That's pretty complex! I'm wondering if I'm defective for not experiencing limerence. Is it a normal thing that most people feel or is it a case of life imitating art imitating life? The problem I've had with people who treat me in a "limerence" way is that they usually can't sustain it and I find out they are limerencing other people at the same time, or that they'll just move on to the next one in short order. I guess that's why I've avoided anything that resemebles it when I meet people, and I look for a genuine connection that isn't idealized.

I don’t believe anybody is “defective” if one doesn’t experience limerence.

I don’t believe even asexual folks are “defective.”

I don’t believe I’m “defective” because I’m autistic. I have a bachelors degree—but I’ve only been an office clerk for 40 years. Ive never had much ambition. I’m retiring in 2.4 years with a pension.

What I’ve written is true about me. I’m a simple, not complex person. One can be “salt of the Earth” and creative. My wife is skeptical about the utility of creativity. She knows I write, but hasn’t seen my writing.

I used to believe I was a Bohemian....but then I realized that I couldn’t go the “whole 9 yards” with Bohemianism.

I wish I wrote like Jack Kerouac or Edna St. Vincent Millay. Can’t live the lifestyle, though.

Not only that,
I'm the smartest person on this website,





Based on my early research, when you are in "Limerence", you are infatuated by someone you don't really know.
You are obsessed with the *image* of who you *think* the person is.

That is why I have put "Love at first sight" in the category of "Limerence".
Being obsessed by the way someone looks is hardly an indication of loving the entire person, surely.

Having said that, I see no reason why limerence can't then progress to love, once you truly appreciate the entire person.


Then, based on what I understand, you don't experience limerence.
Neither do I.
There must be a reciprocation of some sort to begin the bonding process, for us.



I see,
When are you going to start writing *for* me, then?



Yes, please.
All and sundry will do for me.
I'm not fussy.



Perhaps you can be the first?
I believe my left profile is better looking.

I see,
< slight pause in reflection>
Then I must, in all good conscience, leave you two soulmates to your own devices.
Far be it for me to intervene in a spiritual connection between two people.
My integrity demands nothing less!

<with a slight catch in his throat>
"Tis a far far better thing I do than I have ever done before."
<exit stage right>
<the curtain drops>
<lights fade>
<applause errupts>

Thanks for the info Pepe!

"Based on my early research, when you are in "Limerence", you are infatuated by someone you don't really know. You are obsessed with the *image* of who you *think* the person is."

This is how I see it. The people who feel limerence usually waste opportunities to understand the real person, because they are so busy imagining who the person is. They use the person as an ego boost to make it feel like their dreams are coming true, even if they aren't aware that's the motivation. For example if I decided someone was exactly what I needed for personal or creative inspiration and I kept seeing them in that way by deleting the bits of their personality that were less convenient, it wouldn't be fair to the other person. I wouldn't want someone discarding the unnecessary parts of who I am, or ignoring them all together in favour of the parts that they found inspiring.

The people who have had crushes / possible limerence for me in the past usually seem to entertain a different version of who am I, than who I really am. It's hard to cross that bridge and tell them to wake up and like the real me, because then they are disappointed I didn't match their dream and they move on to the next person to be their muse while I'm left feeling "not good enough" for something I never was in the first place. In fact they were the person who fell short emotionally, not me. They couldn't do the real thing. Real love is so much nicer, when two people see each other for who they really are and that's good enough even with the person's faults.

I’ve experienced limerence while not idealizing someone, and while having a realistic view of the person.

I don’t actually have any heroes (pretty weird ). Nor heroines.

I don’t mind some of the trappings of chivalry/etiquette—but I don’t go too far with it, much to the irritation of some.

Once, a girl thought it would be a chivalrous thing if I would give my credit card number. I refused.....out of principle, and because I didn’t have a credit card at that time. She threw a real hissy fit!

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Chivalry is fine... it doesn't mean someone is idealizing the other person or being delusional about them. I think that's a different topic altogether from treating someone as a muse.