Advice Needed

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You said you have not been tested to see if you are on the spectrum?

She is a "dudess".
Mate, you are so off your game, lately.

oh...

Humans are too weird to ever figure out.

I'm a skunk.

ein halbes deutsches Stinktier

Women rarely want problems solved. They just want to know their point of view has been heard. Think of it like they are involving you in a movie, in a movie theatre you wouldn't announce to the rest of the audience that you figured out the solution to the plot, you'd just sit back and watch the story unfold.

That's more or less what women are after. Unless they are deliberately asking for a solution to a problem which is rare.

So I would imagine you probably know this is not a good sign.

Hmm...


So the only scenario I can see this playing out where I can give her the benefit of the doubt is she communicated this to you in a way that was clear to her but not to you. She might have said something about not liking your friends without using these direct words before and to her she thought it was clear when in actuality it wasn't.

It would be a good idea to have a talk that you want to work with her for more constructive communication. She probably feels frustrated because she feels like no one understands her etc etc. I'm basing that off the comment about her being in her own little world. She would like you to just understand her and understand what she means when it's not clear. Let her know you're not deliberately setting out to upset her and you want to learn how you can communicate better.

So also be very vigilant that this stays in a healthy relationship territory. Getting mad at you for not reading her mind can spiral into stranger and stranger reasons for being mad and emotionally manipulative. Keep a journal of how often the interactions are negative as opposed to positive and be mindful when it's time to stand your ground for your own personal peace. A person can get swept up in other's negativity where it becomes emotionally abusive. You don't deserve someone freaking out at you for not being able to read their mind. While you might feel you are helping, if she is truly in a bad place and is not taking steps to improve the situation it is more likely she will drag you into her misery than you will lift her up to a better place. I was very much the kindhearted "helper" type when I was your age and I would warn against it.

Last edited by adromedanblackhole on 30 Oct 2020, 6:27 am, edited 4 times in total.

Dudette

It's true but I'm getting the hang out of it more and more. Just think of a less evolved, more rabid animal version of yourself that has a very tenuous relation to the world and fragile self concept and is very frightened and very angered by anything that does not fit within its neatly constructed box world and you are well on your way to having humans figured out. Also most conversations are subtle jousts for dominance. Always maintain equal footing. Do not lower the others, collectively it makes them dislike you. Do not allow others to lower you, this means you are weak and they are all collectively entitled to pounce. Project strength without a desire to exert power over others and they'll leave you alone for the most part. Also do not be too interested in people, it comes across to them as weak. But too aloof comes across as you feel better than - which frankly if you are an Aspie it's safe to say objectively you probably are in measurable ways. Just be as solid within yourself as you can and unmoved, unbothered by other people as much as possible. These have been my observations.

You do like to correct me, don't you?

Big mistake.

Maybe the best time to ask her about what’s wrong isn’t when something’s wrong. Clearly she shuts down and doesn’t want to communicate. So, maybe when she’s in a good calm mood it might be a better time to bring up communication issues and ask her about them. Maybe she’ll be more open to discussing her lack of desire to communicate about how she’s feeling when she’s down while she’s up.. and might be more open to accepting that you’re genuinely trying to be there for her.

It may be a bit awkward to bring it up, but obviously it’s not working to bring it up in the moment. When she’s up, maybe try saying something like “Remember last week when you weren’t in the mood to talk about what had you feeling down? Can we talk about that? I just want you to know I’m here for you & am making an effort to learn about your communication style, but it’s hard for me to know what to do to help when you don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you. Can we try having more open dialogue? Or is it best that I leave you be to decompress in solitude?” Etc. I’d try to engage in a respectful conversation about it when she’s in a good mood and Try my best not to ruin that mood and piss her off lol I Know that might be difficult... but if you are nothing but pleasant and well meaning and she reacts awfully to you, well, then it might be time for a conversation about That and then a decision about a course of action - if there’s zero forward progress and she’s upset by your efforts vs feeling cared for, that’s the point where I might consider the relationship unsalvageable and tell her this just isn’t working out and you’re not going to continue down this path.

- I guess I am a different breed because when there is a problem I like to solve it before it becomes a problem again.

- Yeah probally shouldn't try talking to her when she is in a bad mood or down.

- She might have said something about my friends. If she did then I would understand why she went off like that.

- Yea I will try to keep track of how/why she goes off. See if there is a reason or is it just "spontaneous"

- Animals I can understand. People are complicated with the emotions and how our past can drastically change us.

What traits associated with being on the spectrum causes her to throw fits anytime she does so?

I don't know if she is on the spectrum. She just gets mad. I don't know. I'm trying to work that out with her right now.

Perhaps just anger issues that just need to be resolved?