I called him up yesterday right after posting this and I asked him how serious he was about this. He said he was extremely serious, but then I went over my insecurities- his habits of never calling, how I'm never over there, why he doesn't say he loves me...granted, I was bawling for most of the time, so I don't actually know how much got across.
He said I was over-reacting, because I was worried about school coming up. [This is also true; school has been a bit of a sensitive point for me...] He said he'd try to call more often and spend more time with me.
This news comforted me until that night, last night, at around 9:30. I waited for him to call, and he didn't. We usually talk at 9:30 at night, so it wouldn't have been unusual for one of us to call, but I was kind of hoping he would since we had discussed it that very morning.
A friend of mine recommended that I track all the contact over a period of a week, just to see where things stand in paper between us, and to mention things I'd told him about, to see if he remembered. The conversation went as thus.
He sounded cheerful on the phone, and I told him about work without his asking beforehand. I mentioned a dog that I particularily like, and he had no idea who I was talking about, even though I'd mentioned it before. Then he went on to talk about how he had looked up cheap flights to Israel, because he might go next summer. This kind of bugged me because we'd entertained the idea of taking a trip together before he left for college. And before I could say anything, because I wasn't going to bug him about it, he says, "No." He then went on to tell me that I couldn't go to Israel with him because it was some self-discovery trip, which is great and all, and I totally support that. I don't have to be everywhere and anywhere with him, but it would have been nice if we could have done something together, too, but he's now placed this Israel trip as his first financial priority.
Aside from that, the conversation was mundane. I did most of the talking, until he said that he had to go to sleep and we hung up. No "I love you." Nothing. I even waited for him to say it, but then he hung up. He didn't even mention my little morning breakdown.
He's not AS, or maybe he hasn't been diagnosed. I'm going to track these for a week and see what goes where. My birthday's in a month, and he's already complaining about the financial setback he'll have and he's set a limit on spending for both of our birthdays- $100. Meanwhile, I'm looking online for waterproof $500 watches and new messenger bags...
I feel like it's both of our faults, and it's bothering me, but I don't know where to start.
27 Aug 2007, 6:37 pm
