NT needs help understanding...

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You gals ROCK! \m/ >.< \m/


Thank you so much for all the info. It's really helping me a lot!

I like how you two do things.

Grr. It is never easy, just enjoy the challenge. Tonight I found out my bf industry party tomorrow because someone else wanted to know if I was going. Hello, no clue. I called him, he says why would he torture me, he doesn’t even want to go. Duh, that’s why I show up. His employees love me, his competitor invited me, he just wants to get in and out as quickly as possible. I am so friggen mad I want to start a thred, BUT…

This is what you sign on for. In the big scheme of things, whatever. Right now? Throttle. It is a way of life with an AS. It is ok because the rest works. Worst of all, he tries to please me and would bring me if he knew it would make my day to be by his side and make him look good. GRRR!

There is another thread going in http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt49740.html General Discussion about a woman who thinks her husband in AS. She really has torture right now. Bottom line is torture is moments, not constant.

I know this place was set up for AS to figure things out, and we were kindly invited to observe, but we need to be vocal to each other as well.

Merr and Fergs, I need your story!

Shale, I really thought I was alone here.

Weee! NT Party!

fivecents, I totally understand!! !

Like yesterday, I'm home sick with the flu and he knows it because I emailed him to tell him. Now I would think an NT guy would call his woman at some point in the day to ask her how she's feeling. But this thought never occurred to him. He came home from work and got on line, but I never messaged him (because I was sick on the couch) so he figured I had found something else to do and didn't want to hear from him. I thought he was out with his friends because that was what he was talking about doing, (he never called or messaged me to tell me that he didn't go) so I never thought to check. So when I went to check my email at 9:30 at night and found him there.. I was a bit shocked. I started to think "he should have called...". Then I stopped myself.

I know now that this might be a typical reaction for someone with AS. I figure it's an understanding of the social cues and most of the time politeness doesn't even factor into the equation. Also, I think we're both at fault because neither one of us thought to check in with the other person. We just assumed. So I'm not mad at him or anything but I think I might have been had I not taken the time to learn more about him and stop and think about things. I know now that I need to check if I want to know (or if I want him to know) something. I have to keep remembering that the word "should" just doesn't apply here.

Besides that, today he totally shocked me again by trudging about a mile in the cold and snow (just to keep me company while I was sick) and showing up at my place with a huge bouquet of flowers!! He also offered to get me any cold meds I wanted. A huge move for any guy - with or without AS!

I now count myself lucky to have such a thoughtful guy. (pun intended)

I figured out the no drawn out, romance novel- type love thing, too. I figured that he gets along better with a girl who laughs a lot and is playfull rather than romantic. Well, I've enver really been the romantic tpye- not really into the candlelit dinners and all, so we fit together pretty well.


I'll have to agree with this as well; if you dont hear, ask for clarification and try to listen harder and decipher the words so you won't have to ask repeatedly.

We have cues as well, and inside jokes that no one else would get except us.

We were together about a year and a half befre he found out he has AS from his father, and then he told me aout a couple months later. it really helped me as well, because it made a lot of things make so much sense. It took me a while to actually understand AS, because sometimes the descriptions online seem to vague and open to interpretation that you do't know where to recognize traits, etc. But now I know more and feel the same way about not wanting certain things- I've trained myself so that I don't need constant touch, comments, etc. It's just not necessary anymore and makes bth of our lives easier.

:)

However, they can still do the most hurtful things without taking you into consideration. This is when you need to take your own space. Let him come back to you when he understands what he did wrong. It is hard, but worth it!

You could always write it in a letter to them that you felt hurt by x action that they did or didn't do and why. They need to be able to understand and not have you think they are a mind reader.

Actually, I write everything down. I leave him love notes and leave him notes thanking him when he does things. I also write things about how his actions and decisions effect my life. He doesn’t want to hear yammering, he often confuses things he hears and it gives him time to process as his own pace.

Good reminder on communication. He really mostly gets positive accolades from me. I can only recall maybe 3 times I had to carefully write things that hurt me. When I write it he remembers and changes his behavior where warranted (I don’t do petty stuff like pick up your socks. I only write when something he has done has left me sobbing uncontrollably in the shower). And when I write the love notes, he continues with the good things like back rubs, sweet kisses, spooning, making me laugh, etc.

The worst thing in the world is if I do something that makes him mad, which is usually done in a miscommunication. It takes him forever to come around and not be mad and discuss in a sentence or two. Funny thing is, we talk a lot, but when it comes to discussing the relationship, no way can he confront things. But, hey, if that is the worst it gets, I am blessed. I can change little things so he is comfortable. When he’s happy, I’m happy!

It is SO AWESOME to see more NTs out there that a) get it and b) love it, work with it It's a wonderful change from the usual 'GODDAMNIT THEY CALLED ME NAMES AGAIN!' stories going on here...we're not all evil after all

Ah, those communication woes though. They get better, I'll be the first to say. Cam and I have been together for well over a year now, and while at first he seemed essentially completely oblivious to everything, they learn...possibly not in the wider scheme of things so easily, but within the relationship...yeah, if you're onto it yourself.

He's been sick for an entire week with a crook stomach, thanks to a bug that's been going around his office. And subsequently throughout my house too. He was down and out, quarantined himself, for nearly the whole week...still, the one night he was feeling good I came around...and went home with the bug. PWNT.

Interestingly enough we seem to have grown in tune with each other (not surprising, we have both been at key developmental points whilst with each other - at 18 and 21 now, 17 and 20 when we met)...while I instinctively knew about his need for 'distractional therapy' as he termed it (that is, talk deeply about something he likes...the Wagon Project [his Impreza wagon] in this case), he would ask me how I was while I was sick, offer thoughts for things that might help - ie, gave a damn or at least showed it, which gave me enough warm fuzzies inside to be back on my feet within two days.

We still royally piss each other off on a regular basis But thankfully we seem to have found a happy medium where we can see we're rarking each other up and just 'drop it'...move on to something else after awkward silence, instead of ending up with the whiffle-bat competition that normally ensues.

Sounds familiar. It's MSN or IRL in our situation for the same thing...we're both strong personalities so yeah, lots of clashes. But we usually manage to simply tell each other what pisses us off - I encourage him to do the same, rather than me just nitpicking at shiz that annoys the snot out of me or has me...as above...sobbing uncontrollably. It is important in any relationship to draw lines...when it's a relationship that communication suffers, it's even more important.

As for the whole flooding of the garage thing...oh brudda, more familiarity (And geez that would have been a mess to clean up!). Distraction...likely at first to get you snarked at or wind up with a mess, indeed! Clumsiness and sheer bad luck seem to create our messes. He's been distracted and forgotten to put the hub nut on one of my wheels during a brake conversion (now how Aspie is that...he's never done a brake conversion yet he pulled off TWO perfect conversions, struts included on mine, on our Subarus...how he knows all this stuff I DO NOT GET )...which resulted in the wheel bearing eating itself...and my wheel. Mmmm, towtruck. Not tightening other things is hilarious...fluid leaks make for laughs later but at the time...helmets please!

Cam doesn't seem to mind now...I kick his door in and announce my presence, but always always ALWAYS let him put the computer down when he's ready...not before. This is why, ladies, we bring extra entertainment...because this can be a while We've had a few catastrophes in regards to getting too stuck in, interruptions, forgetting the girlfriend is in the room, forgetting to acknowledge the girlfriend is in the room, forgetting to tell the girlfriend of intentions to do nothing aside from current activity, girlfriend going into blonde emo bimbo mode and sulking because of misinterpretation...yup.

Aww man...anyone else desperately want hugs from their boy now?

question: Do any of you gals live with your guys?

The posts that have the words "my husband..." as apposed to "my boyfriend" in them don't sound promising and they are making me nervous.

He called me in the middle of the day to CHAT!!
We've been dating for three months and this is the first time he's done this. I'm taking this as a very good sign!
<very happy>

! ! That's awesome...big step forward!

Shale, oh yes, I can totally relate to being amazed at how he can mechanically put things together, is so detail oriented, etc. He is equally amazed at how I know to do the, uh, simpler, more obvious things. It also cracks me up that you wait for him to put the computer down. I insist that he does his stuff and finishes so when it’s my turn I have 100% of his attention and he is not thinking about what he didn’t finish.

All these accommodations went on before I knew about AS. I just loved him and it wasn’t like he was asking all that much. I trust that when I am not with him he is not out with other girls, and even if he was, ha ha, he wouldn’t find one like me. Finding AS and this site has changed my world with him. Not that I don’t get blindsided from time to time, but now I understand that is brain works differently and sooner or later I will forgive him because I love him and NO ONE cuddles like him.

As far as not noticing me in the room, I have the opposite problem. I am a distraction. Even if I walk through the room and don’t say a word. He loses focus because when he sees me he would rather be playing with me than doing whatever it is in the garage, kitchen, painting walls, etc. It has become difficult to not engage in activities with him like tiling the kitchen, fixing engines, etc. because I am used to doing activities like this as a team. He simply cannot work with me side by side.

Firgs, we do not live together, nor will we ever be married. He cannot stand me around for more than a few days. As soon as I am gone, he misses me, but it’s the thought for him of me smothering him that gets him in a panic. He thinks too much. He has lived with other girls, and one of them for 7 years. And engaged twice. Which is why he won’t live with me. I am getting the brunt of the torture from these girls. I do not act like them, I do not scream and yell when he does his boy things, I do not smother him, I do not interrupt him, I do everything his way, etc. We live in peace. A few days a week LOL. We do talk on the phone every day, briefly. I am not a big phone person, but do text him when I need to provide him with information.

You have to be a secure person to be with someone like this. You cannot take offense if they don’t want you around. Believe me, they do not spend their alone time with other people, and you will most likely be the first person they seek out when they are ready to engage in social interaction again.

Merr has it right, you have to train yourself to not want certain things and to not react in certain manners.

I sometimes think people with aspergers catch when you flirt with them, but are to shy to act on it! Now if I could just get the one I like on a desert island for a few weeks.......... I would be happy!

Firgs- my boyfriend is moving over here and wants me to live with him. I've stayed with him for weeks at a time and we got along fine. The funny thing is about him is he wants to be on the phone or with me all the time, which I don't mind because we are each other's best friends. He seemed to get his alone time by being on the computer when I was in the room.He felt my presence, but didn't seem to need interaction. At first I was a little hurt by this, but hey, I need my alone time too, so now I don't mind at all.

Merr, that is really great! My bf can’t stand me around after a few days. I’m not offended, and I’m not assuming that will ever change. Maybe when he’s 90. I am fine with it, like you said, I need my alone time as well. I fill my time with work and friends and family.

When we are together, it is a dream world, so I can take a few days off. Being with a wonderful person 3 or 4 days a week is better than being with a mundane person every day!