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Why are women on dating sites such hippocrites

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sinsboldly
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06 Jan 2008, 3:40 pm

Tequila wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
what? no "gutter" men for desparate women?


They're interchangeable but I take your point.


:wink:

Merle



sweetcupcake
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06 Jan 2008, 5:19 pm

To be honest, if im not interested in a guy either because i dont find him attractive or i dont like his profile if they message me i ignore them. Sounds rude but i think its better to say nothing because if you replied and said you were not interested it may hurt them.



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06 Jan 2008, 5:22 pm

sarahstilettos wrote:
I would guess that there are a lot of inactive profiles on such sites? People who set them up and then never checked their messages? Are you able to see how long it is since a person was online?


Yeah, I did that. Worse, it was here. I was trying to show my support of WP by filling out what I thought was an extended profile of here on what I thought was a friendship and gathering place site-not dating. By the time I figured out it was a dating dating site by way of 'winks' and 'who's viewing you' and what not I was confused and a little creeped out. I didn't want to be rude by quitting. But I couldn't say I wasn't looking either. Maybe 10 years from now or with an NT. But I didn't belong there. And because I so mispercieved it I'm not even looking for running or coffee pals anymore.

I appologize to anyone who pinged my inbox back in 06 or 07. I didn't know. I didn't read. I just cancelled. I had forgotten. I refound the site today-promted by the hmmmmmm of this thread; not feeling that it was directed at or to me but aware because of the 2nd poster to the thread that I had in fact been very rude-

finding the site: which itself was difficult unless you know which thread to find the link in and deleted the account.


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SeaBright
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06 Jan 2008, 5:25 pm

I don't mean with an Nt


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SeaBright
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06 Jan 2008, 5:26 pm

No one would have a problem if they legalized prostitution.


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06 Jan 2008, 5:45 pm

I have a friend in her 40s who used a some dating sites heavily for a few years. She would get so many responses-- in the hundreds-- that she simply could not respond to each and every one. She would basically sift through the initial set of responses and reply to maybe 10%. Of that 10% only a smaller portion would she talk to on the phone, and from that group she would pick the ones she was willing to meet in person.

Sadly, despite all that effort and the vast number of suitors, she never met anyone who resulted in a lasting relationship. Her current boyfriend she met in person at a speed dating event.



Topher
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06 Jan 2008, 6:21 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
Topher wrote:
The hostility bit I can understand. Although I would not turn hostile to one person in particular. I would not send offensive message or send tells complain about why you id not not reply to me as thats not my way. I would just let them carry on with their daily lives. I just can't understand the 'No responses'

What I don't understand is the bit you said about "Taking me as I am." I am confused as to what you mean. Could you elaborate further?

PS: I am honestly not a hostile person and I would not take my anger out on anyone, and I can show restraint, and on dating sites I would not want to sent a huge rant to someone whos turned me down. it's honestly not my way. You have made a good point. I am just confused as to a couple of bits. I am trying to get the correct attitude.


thank you for having such a mature and problem solving stance about it all, Topher. Knowing the issues is half solving them!

the hostility is inside of you, not that you would EVER express it to others, it is inside that it gnaws at you and it leaks out in other ways.

When you send a 'polite' hello, you are not sending yourself.

Now. . . you can certainly BE polite, (and I would hope you are) but the polite hello warns us off of you. I would suggest you write about your passions, your hopes and dreams for yourself, your plans, your needs and most important. .how someone with all that going on for them would fit an intimate companion into all of that. Show us where the room for them is, what you are looking for in a relationship, take the inititive and paint us a picture of how your idea and ideal might look to you. Then we can hold it up next to our own ideal and ideas and do a bit of comparison.

Most guys don't want to put it all out there, because when someone says "thanks but no thanks' they think their idea/ideals are not good, instead of not what the other person is looking for.

But when the guy DOESN'T put it all out there, he doesn't even get the time of day.

so, if you are going to get 999 rejections before you get the one 'oh, BOY! are you someone I want to talk to! you might as well get 999 rejections by actually TRYING, instead of just sending polite replys.

am I making any sense to you, here, Topher? I am trying to say the woman considers her AD POSTING her 'polite hello", now you step up to the plate and hit it out of the park with an ANSWER to her!

Merle


Crystal clear. That definitely does speak to me. It really does remind me that people need to be determined at this things and to continue nibbling at the cherry until you find the sweet bit, or the rock at the center depending on how you interpret me. I am sorry if i struck a nerve with you as i was worried I had done. But you have explained it quite well and I appreciate it. :)

I really have to thank you and to everyone who did post for sparing some time to answer my querires, For those i offended with some of my harsher words I have to apologies for any ill intent, it was not my desire. I'm very new to online dating so im still trying to figure things out. Im always learning every day.



juliekitty
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06 Jan 2008, 6:31 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
By far and away the most typical response I get from men is hostility when their 'trying to be nice' is responded to and I have to let them know I am not interested. Matter of fact, I can almost guarantee that some guy that sends me a 'nice' note will turn hostile almost immediately if I actually exchange emails with him and I have to let him know I am not interested.


ditto!! !



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06 Jan 2008, 7:06 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
When you send a 'polite' hello, you are not sending yourself.

Now. . . you can certainly BE polite, (and I would hope you are) but the polite hello warns us off of you. I would suggest you write about your passions, your hopes and dreams for yourself, your plans, your needs and most important. .how someone with all that going on for them would fit an intimate companion into all of that. Show us where the room for them is, what you are looking for in a relationship, take the inititive and paint us a picture of how your idea and ideal might look to you. Then we can hold it up next to our own ideal and ideas and do a bit of comparison.

Most guys don't want to put it all out there, because when someone says "thanks but no thanks' they think their idea/ideals are not good, instead of not what the other person is looking for.

But when the guy DOESN'T put it all out there, he doesn't even get the time of day.

so, if you are going to get 999 rejections before you get the one 'oh, BOY! are you someone I want to talk to! you might as well get 999 rejections by actually TRYING, instead of just sending polite replys.

am I making any sense to you, here, Topher? I am trying to say the woman considers her AD POSTING her 'polite hello", now you step up to the plate and hit it out of the park with an ANSWER to her!

Merle


I second what Merle said....that first email could be considered a "first date" or a "checking out" of sorts. Which is more likely to engage you, Topher? A pretty girl who says hello at the supermarket and nothing else, or a pretty girl who strikes up a conversation about the band on your t-shirt, or anything else that's interesting? I bet you would be much more taken with the second girl.

I notice that a lot of times, men's profiles are very blank. Put it all out there. If you see something in a girl's profile that interests you, tell her. Most would agree with me that women in general respond more to thoughts, words, and ideas than to just a picture. Even if you are very cute (I have no idea, never seen you), if you just say "hi" and have a blank profile, she might go "I don't know anything about this guy, I don't really know that I should answer."

It sucks in some ways but a profile is really selling yourself. Be at your wittiest, smartest, funniest! You are obviously an intelligent guy who has things to offer women - might as well put yourself 100% out there. Many people choose the online route of meeting people because they want more of a connection, rather than just seeing someone they find attractive and meeting up with them. They like to chat online first before meeting, etc. Why not get a jump start by writing her a small paragraph? It's more work, but you might really connect with someone.

Anyway, good luck, I really hope you have better luck in the future :D



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06 Jan 2008, 7:32 pm

The kind I consider the worse case is one that will actauly date a few times, then at the peak of the relationship mention how they aren't turned on by you, and how they would be better off without you, ect. (That hurts, especialy for a guy, I imagine.)

You know, the back stabbing kind of gal, that lets it get close and personal, then cheats on purpose or admits their little 'truth' when they could have backed out the whole time. Thus, leaving you feeling like some weak, needy creature in another's eyes. This has happened to a couple of good guys, amung other sorts of guys.

I don't understand how "thanks I'm not interested" is any better than no reply at all. I think dateing sights are terrible though.



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06 Jan 2008, 7:37 pm

well, there's also the thought that some of them might be feeling like they've been given the keys to the candy store. Some women might just treat the site like a romantic buffet, and go back for more guys, because there's always more guys. No need to start a romantic relationship, because the 'newness' of having one man after the other, for attention, etc., might be appealing.

you just have to wait for it to get 'old' before they settle down. All the above is fairly good advice, don't be afraid to listen to women, because they can fill in some of the blanks.



Leo21k
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06 Jan 2008, 7:44 pm

pakled wrote:
well, there's also the thought that some of them might be feeling like they've been given the keys to the candy store. Some women might just treat the site like a romantic buffet, and go back for more guys, because there's always more guys. No need to start a romantic relationship, because the 'newness' of having one man after the other, for attention, etc., might be appealing.

you just have to wait for it to get 'old' before they settle down. All the above is fairly good advice, don't be afraid to listen to women, because they can fill in some of the blanks.


I agree with this post.

You find these women on these sites saying they want serious relationships yet they are in talks with all these different guys through the dating site at the same time... How serious is that?

I get it though, it feels good to get all that attention from the opposite sex and even after you found a guy you might be able to fall for it's hard to let go of all that attention, it's addictive.



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06 Jan 2008, 7:58 pm

Not all women date more than one person at once though. They might be TALKING to and getting to know more than one to see who they connect with, but that doesn't mean they're necessarily dating or messing around with any of them.

You can either use the sites and accept the inherent unfairness of there being more men then women, or you can get angry about it...but if it was 2 women to every man, you would see men doing the same thing.

I don't see how it is hypocritical or wrong for a woman to try to date the guy she actually likes best.



sinsboldly
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06 Jan 2008, 8:05 pm

SeaBright wrote:
No one would have a problem if they legalized prostitution.


except for the folks that were not into prostitutes.


Merle



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06 Jan 2008, 8:41 pm

Leo21k wrote:
You find these women on these sites saying they want serious relationships yet they are in talks with all these different guys through the dating site at the same time... How serious is that?


Okay, now please explain this one to me, because it causes me a lot of problems.

I am definitely looking for something serious, but why does that mean I should only date one guy at a time? How am I supposed to know whether or not I want to get serious with a guy after only one date? Why shouldn't I date others until I know I want to be serious with one?

I really have an issue with men who get huffy or whiny because I'm busy Saturday night, when they haven't even asked me to be exclusive. They just ASSUME I'm not going to date anybody else. Why the heck shouldn't I, if we are not officially boyfriend/girlfriend?

(NB: In my world, "date" =/= "have sex with".)



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06 Jan 2008, 9:00 pm

I guess in my case, part of my frustrations in my original post stem form 2.5 years of being single. I'm trying to get back on the dating game and I do long for that special someone again. Those feelings of isolation have been getting harder to ignore lately.