Androgyne,hiding from parents,confused, hetero,QueerGendered

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I do appoligize if I do seem quite annoying on the forum. But my self-confidence isn't the strongest thing in the world. I need influence, someone who can show me the way. I've had these non-typical feelings for years but I've never gave them much attention or discribed them into words until now. There's things that capture my interest in this world, but the main question is where to go to find them.

As you've already mentioned, the world isn't 100% normal, and then again, what is normal? True, but here's my point. I'm an outcast when it comes to thoughts of attraction and gender while to most people, gender and sex are the same thing. I do consider myself a nonconformist on the inside but like you said, I just need to go past the thoughts of others. True but like I mentioned before, my confidence is quite fradgle. One off-beat remark and I'm done.

It's because of my Asperger's Syndrome I think, that's why I'm not so strong when it comes to confidence or how to take social cues.


I want to make a life out of myself free from society's norms. Sure I can't expect everyone to be all peace loving and open minded.

But I guess my main point is that I need people to relate to in life.


Sure people tell me to be pactiont and it will come,


But the truth of the matter is, is that nothing will enter my life if I continue sitting around the same places, same enviroment, etc. I gotta go out there,and see what's there.

Sure it's not like, I'm going to a certain place to get a girlfriend. But it's like, It's brand spanking new to me, I don't know what to expect. Either I'll meet friends, foes or I'll leave cause it's boring and I'll try again.

I got to push myelf, like you said.

Thanks for the incouragement and support!

It isn't annoyance; my apologies if that is what comes across. It is concern, that you are treading water and not heading in any one direction. At the crossroads you face, there may not be someone who can show you the way - as you've described, there are so many flavors and dialects of sexuality and gender that it may not be practical to expect someone else to be able to 'help' you along. Finding yourself isn't easy, and it comes with lumps and frustration and mistakes... one cannot expect that another will solve their problems. When things interest you, pursue them. Do not stand on the sideline or wait from someone more knowledgable to take your hand - if you do, you will lose out on a great many more experiences than what you get to enjoy.

As to your confidence, I do not know enough to begin to make suggestions. So long as you question who you are and push that person to the background, it seems unlikely to me that you will gain confidence in who that person is - a real Catch-22 situation. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing - I find it an asset - but allowing it to rule you is unhealthy and unproductive. As I suggested elsewhere, the practice of detachment, removing yourself from the opinions and emotions of others (and your own, when necessary), can be very helpful in gaining that ability to let things go and move on.

My last thought for the moment... you want people to relate to - do you believe that is possible when you do not allow yourself to live as the person you know yourself to be? This is one of those situations where the impasse will remain until something changes; often, that which must change is not what we would prefer or first assume.

Go and do. Learn in the moment, and let it show you the next step on the way. You're doing well, just worry that you are fixating on the terms and putting the expectation outside yourself instead of recognizing that until you yourself change, little will change around you.


M.

I think I came up with a desition.

My anxiety is really bothering me plus I feel the only effect telling my parents that I'm Bigender is only going to shock them. But at the same time, they would know odviously that my behavor (switching between voice pitches, sensitive / masculine behavor) is related to Asperger's Syndrome even though I feel it's not compairing with the chatroom here and my 3 college Aspie friends.

Since my mother goes to visit me once a month to take me away from Southeastern CT and to Providence RI, I'm going to ask her to bring me to the LGBT RI Pride Center, just to visit. Even though I'm not Homosexual or Bisexual, my needs do fall into the Transgender catergory.

Plus there's a group at my college "MCC Pride"

And there might be one in my hometown.


But I guess the biggest challenge is, how to get there safely without my Parents or the lifeskills transportation company that helps me out spicifficly that it's support for LGBT. But it's not too much of a consern for the transportation company, more of my homophobic parents persay.


But it's kind of a Life or Anxiety situation here.

Either I can take the risk, have somewhat life experiance and education to learn more about myself and still keep things secret from my parents or I can feel trapped at home with a lots of anxiety and bad dark thoughts going threw my mind until I have a sudden outburst revealing my secret to them which will end up them questioning me or telling me that I'm reading into crap again and how can they trust me to be on my own if I keep doing dumb stuff plus losing the respect of my father plus maybe him yelling at me saying "WHY? We didn't raise you this way! WHY?"


Oh well, I got to live life so I'm going to push myself to find this stuff out and if my parents do find out somehow, well, I'm all out of excuses so I guess I might as well come out of the closet, Only if they ask spicifficly of course when I'm out of creative lies.