How to deal with unwanted attention?

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nessa238
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29 Nov 2012, 12:12 pm

meems wrote:

I have a Jay Leno chin and I wear baggy clothes.

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a367/ ... ea0940.jpg

The only difference between that picture and now is that I cut all of my hair off and I'm starting to slim down from weight training. And it's not like these guys are even close to my age or the kind of guys who get a lot of female attention .. one was extremely smelly, possibly homeless. Most of them had awful breath and didn't seem very keen on personal hygiene.

I was being really passive and I think each case was related to how obvious it was that I was uncomfortable speaking up for myself. But if people have no respect for the personal space of others, that's not anyone's fault but their own.

To say women who dress a certain way deserve what they get implies men are entitled to women's bodies if they are in anyway exposed. That's completely wrong. Women are entitled to their autonomy. No one is entitled to the body of another.

It doesn't matter if someone finds me attractive, they don't have the right to touch me or block my path to move away from them.

I hate to break this to you but Jay Leno chin or not, you're very attractive and even in that photo you are giving what many would term a 'come hither' look, so in my opinion this will mean you have to be more wary around men. No it's not your fault if they try and approach or manhandle you but you can do all you can to avoid them by not making eye contact, leaving if they approach or arranging to meet up with another person if possible when you go to cafes etc.

It will be the fact of you being on your own that will encourage them to try their chances.

Last edited by nessa238 on 29 Nov 2012, 12:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nessa238
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29 Nov 2012, 12:14 pm

sage7 wrote:

I don't really care what you'd like to see, my friend. This is not the "why do men harass meems" thread, so if you've really read it, maybe you should give it a reread to see if you can better comprehend what this discussion is.

Hmmm you sound aggressive!

I'm trying to advise her so that she can avoid the very behaviour she is complaining of.

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29 Nov 2012, 12:16 pm

nessa238 wrote:

*chop*

I love how you selectively ignore the entire point of what's being conveyed to you so that you can continue to blame someone for being "too enticing".

nessa238
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29 Nov 2012, 12:17 pm

sage7 wrote:

nessa238 wrote:

meems wrote:

*chop*

I love how you selectively ignore the entire point of what's being conveyed to you so that you can continue to blame someone for being "too enticing".

I'm not blaming her, I'm advising her on how best to deal with the situation

If men are finding her enticing she needs to mitigate for it in some way as the men are not going to stop being idiots.

nessa238
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29 Nov 2012, 12:19 pm

meems wrote:

I shouldn't have to wear a burqa in order to feel safe.

I'm regaining confidence and this hasn't happened much lately.

No but are you aware of things like the fact that a lot of men will see even eye contact as a come on from an attractive woman?

It's good that you are regaining your confidence - it's evidently being reflected in your body language and causing the men not to be so bold

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29 Nov 2012, 12:20 pm

nessa238 wrote:

If men are finding her enticing she needs to mitigate for it in some way as the men are not going to stop being idiots.

You cannot POSSIBLY actually believe this! Are you screwing with me? You legitimately think someone doesn't have a right to be pretty AND not get harassed? In 2012??

meems
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29 Nov 2012, 12:24 pm

I honestly don't understand facial expressions for the most part. In that picture I was leaning over petting my friend's dog and I was surprised that my photo was being taken.

I don't make eye contact if I can help it. Now I've just been wearing workout clothes, hoodies and track pants with trainers.

Wearing headphones/earbuds and reading has kept people from talking to me on the bus etc.

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nessa238
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29 Nov 2012, 12:27 pm

sage7 wrote:

nessa238 wrote:

If men are finding her enticing she needs to mitigate for it in some way as the men are not going to stop being idiots.

You cannot POSSIBLY actually believe this! Are you screwing with me? You legitimately think someone doesn't have a right to be pretty AND not get harassed? In 2012??

What is a 'right' if other people aren't prepared to respect that 'right'?

In life there's how people should act and how they do act - the two rarely coincide - I don't know if you've noticed?

So a person can have all the rights they like but if people aren't respecting them what good are they?

What do you suggest she does? Calls the police?

Harassment will occur whether it's legal or not - most people don't want the hassle of enforcing the law in each and every circumstance where a person oversteps the mark and that's even if the law would take their complaint seriously anyway - try reporting the harasser and see if it works by all means!

You seem to think I condone the harassment - I don't - I am just treating it in a more practical manner

meems
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29 Nov 2012, 12:28 pm

Although I've been called a dyke lately so it seems no matter what I do I will receive unwanted comments.

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nessa238
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29 Nov 2012, 12:30 pm

meems wrote:

Ok well I advise not makign eye contact with men in the vicinity and just reading your book

If they approach say please leave me alone

if they don't leave you alone move to a seat nearer others, tell the proprietor of the cafe (or bus driver etc) you are being harassed or leave the location of the harassment as soon as possible - that would be my advice

Try and spend more time with other people as there's safety in numbers

nessa238
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29 Nov 2012, 12:31 pm

meems wrote:

Although I've been called a dyke lately so it seems no matter what I do I will receive unwanted comments.

Join the club - it's the fate of all women and men unfortunately - it's called life

Sorry to be harsh but it's true

meems
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29 Nov 2012, 12:34 pm

I think it's still important to bring attention to the subject and spread awareness, else how will it ever change?

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nessa238
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29 Nov 2012, 12:35 pm

meems wrote:

I think it's still important to bring attention to the subject and spread awareness, else how will it ever change?

I totally agree

I've come across websites on this very subject eg the Hollaback campaign:-

http://www.ihollaback.org/share/

J-Greens
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29 Nov 2012, 1:23 pm

blue_bean wrote:

What I see of the OP is that she has a special circumstance here where she is not only dealing with unwanted attention, but also dealing with it in combination with the post-trauma of her recent sexual assault (yes, for realz full-blown f***ing rape! explicit enough?). Why are me and Kjas the only people seeing this for what it is?

Er, because you're the only two that see the whole picture, not the half that was presented at the OP?

blue_bean wrote:

This wasn't intended to be a thread about celebrating knocking guys egos, but everyone else in the thread (guys and girls) chimed in and posted as if it was. This was meant to be a thread about dealing with unwanted attention in the context of lingering sexual trauma.

Then put it in the Women's Discussion FFS!

blue_bean wrote:

Granted not everyone knows the OP and what happened to her so they have reason to miss the true context, but then there were people in this thread who know full well what happened and willfully ignored it.

Bolded part is exactly correct, the other well... are you saying I've read the entire thread and then ignored it?
Wrong.
I haven't read the whole thread, nor want to from what I saw first page. But, alas, I await for your apology. Accusing me of deliberately ignoring that which I have not read, is libel.

DialAForAwesome wrote:

OMG, J-Greens. Why the f.....why would you say something like that? *facepalm* Now you just painted all men in a bad light.

Say what? The more you slam a person down the harder they will hit back...you take someone low on confidence and take that last bit away, what's going to happen? A reaction. A bit of tact and everyone's fine, you rip his heart out, expect a fist in return.

meems wrote:

Still, he's being a jerk.

For what? I didn't have the full picture, I typed in reply to what I saw. I'm being honest, reasonable and fairly restrained, in all fairness to what I read in the initial OP. Being a jerk for having an opinion, that's a new one.

meems
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29 Nov 2012, 1:47 pm

Advocating violence in your most recent post, and accusing me of being responsible for men harassing women if I reject every man who shows interest.

That's why you're a jerk.

What am I supposed to do, pretend I'm interested? I'm not even heterosexual.

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J-Greens
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29 Nov 2012, 2:00 pm

meems wrote:

Advocating violence in your most recent post

Er, where? I think you've mistaken metaphors for actual violence.

meems wrote:

What am I supposed to do, pretend I'm interested? I'm not even heterosexual.

No, show a bit of tact you'll soon find that innocent, normal people will understand what you've said and respect you for the way you said it.

Off for tea, now. Back in a bit.

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