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funeralxempire
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16 Jan 2019, 2:19 pm

hurtloam wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Would you be satisfied being single and sexless for the entire duration of your life? No? Then don't expect others to be.[/color]


I think I might just have to be. I've come to accept it. That's why I'm letting people know its ok to live a single life and that you can still be happy.

I've lived through the angst and the hope (and the crushed hope and despair) and now I'm living with peace and acceptance.

I don't expect you to give up. Just to focus less on romance so that it doesn't destroy your enjoyment of life.


Watching these sorts of discussions really seems to give insight into why there's no women who become violent incel terrorists. They don't seem as prone to adopt the notion that someone owes them a relationship or that romantic failures define their entire existence as failure.

Unfortunately I don't know how to make incels get over their fixation or entitlement. :|


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The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. —Malcolm X
Just a reminder: under international law, an occupying power has no right of self-defense, and those who are occupied have the right and duty to liberate themselves by any means possible.


funeralxempire
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16 Jan 2019, 2:25 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I didn’t expect that they’re your special interest that much, I wouldn’t dedicate a signature about them :-/.


It's my signature on a board that used to be infested with them. I just haven't bothered to come up with a new one since I don't spend much time here anymore.

Most of my signatures are filled with Initial D references, since street racing is my deepest "special interest". :heart:


_________________
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. —Malcolm X
Just a reminder: under international law, an occupying power has no right of self-defense, and those who are occupied have the right and duty to liberate themselves by any means possible.


The_Face_of_Boo
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16 Jan 2019, 2:33 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Would you be satisfied being single and sexless for the entire duration of your life? No? Then don't expect others to be.[/color]


I think I might just have to be. I've come to accept it. That's why I'm letting people know its ok to live a single life and that you can still be happy.

I've lived through the angst and the hope (and the crushed hope and despair) and now I'm living with peace and acceptance.

I don't expect you to give up. Just to focus less on romance so that it doesn't destroy your enjoyment of life.


Watching these sorts of discussions really seems to give insight into why there's no women who become violent incel terrorists. They don't seem as prone to adopt the notion that someone owes them a relationship or that romantic failures define their entire existence as failure.

Unfortunately I don't know how to make incels get over their fixation or entitlement. :|



Inquistor was expressing of his desire to a relationship but I don’t see any entitlement nor Incel(aka violent) stuff in his posts.

You’re just being unfair.



funeralxempire
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16 Jan 2019, 2:38 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Would you be satisfied being single and sexless for the entire duration of your life? No? Then don't expect others to be.[/color]


I think I might just have to be. I've come to accept it. That's why I'm letting people know its ok to live a single life and that you can still be happy.

I've lived through the angst and the hope (and the crushed hope and despair) and now I'm living with peace and acceptance.

I don't expect you to give up. Just to focus less on romance so that it doesn't destroy your enjoyment of life.


Watching these sorts of discussions really seems to give insight into why there's no women who become violent incel terrorists. They don't seem as prone to adopt the notion that someone owes them a relationship or that romantic failures define their entire existence as failure.

Unfortunately I don't know how to make incels get over their fixation or entitlement. :|



Inquistor was expressing of his desire to a relationship but I don’t see any entitlement nor Incel(aka violent) stuff in his posts.

You’re just being unfair.


I'm making a generalized statement, not commenting on him in particular - I'm sorry that you consider this to be unfair, but I'm not sorry in the slightest for pointing the trend out.


_________________
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. —Malcolm X
Just a reminder: under international law, an occupying power has no right of self-defense, and those who are occupied have the right and duty to liberate themselves by any means possible.


The_Face_of_Boo
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16 Jan 2019, 2:45 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Would you be satisfied being single and sexless for the entire duration of your life? No? Then don't expect others to be.[/color]


I think I might just have to be. I've come to accept it. That's why I'm letting people know its ok to live a single life and that you can still be happy.

I've lived through the angst and the hope (and the crushed hope and despair) and now I'm living with peace and acceptance.

I don't expect you to give up. Just to focus less on romance so that it doesn't destroy your enjoyment of life.


Watching these sorts of discussions really seems to give insight into why there's no women who become violent incel terrorists. They don't seem as prone to adopt the notion that someone owes them a relationship or that romantic failures define their entire existence as failure.

Unfortunately I don't know how to make incels get over their fixation or entitlement. :|



Inquistor was expressing of his desire to a relationship but I don’t see any entitlement nor Incel(aka violent) stuff in his posts.

You’re just being unfair.


I'm making a generalized statement, not commenting on him in particular - I'm sorry that you consider this to be unfair, but I'm not sorry in the slightest for pointing the trend out.



By unfair I was referring to putting inquisitor in that incel category - I do agree that this trend is true among them.



hurtloam
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16 Jan 2019, 5:28 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Would you be satisfied being single and sexless for the entire duration of your life? No? Then don't expect others to be.[/color]


I think I might just have to be. I've come to accept it. That's why I'm letting people know its ok to live a single life and that you can still be happy.

I've lived through the angst and the hope (and the crushed hope and despair) and now I'm living with peace and acceptance.

I don't expect you to give up. Just to focus less on romance so that it doesn't destroy your enjoyment of life.


Watching these sorts of discussions really seems to give insight into why there's no women who become violent incel terrorists. They don't seem as prone to adopt the notion that someone owes them a relationship or that romantic failures define their entire existence as failure.

Unfortunately I don't know how to make incels get over their fixation or entitlement. :|


Hmm. You should maybe go back and read my posts from a few years ago. I wasn't always this calm about it. But now with the experience of time, I've discovered that life is good.

I've kept on moving on until I found my niche. I've finally, in my 30s, found people like me. It helps to not be surrounded by couples. I felt like the weirdo in a small town. I felt like the door to happy coupledom was locked to me and i didnt know why. Why was i never good enough?

In the city I'm one of hundreds of single people enjoying my life. I have other single people I can meet up with because they're available and not tied to partners and kids.

I also have what's termed an INTJ personality type, which is rare, but especially rare in women. I'm weird and will be attractive to a minority of men.

I can't really be any other way, so I'd rather be alone that trying to force myself to conform to some sort of version of me that is more socially acceptable. Understanding autism didn't help as much as realising I was an odd personality type. My odds are just lower. It makes logical sense to me now.

Btw I dislike this dismissal of men's feelings as they feel "owed". I was sad when surrounded by couples. I didn't feel owed. I felt like a natural part of life was out of my grasp and I was very frustrated because I didn't know why my life was that way or how to fix it. I understand where they are coming from.



rdos
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16 Jan 2019, 5:49 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Btw I dislike this dismissal of men's feelings as they feel "owed". I was sad when surrounded by couples. I didn't feel owed. I felt like a natural part of life was out of my grasp and I was very frustrated because I didn't know why my life was that way or how to fix it. I understand where they are coming from.


Agreed. There is no reason why people that have failed to get into relationships would feel "owed" or "entitled". Having a relationship is natural for everybody, so there is no entitlement in wanting one.



karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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16 Jan 2019, 6:05 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
For me personally, I struggle to see how therapy could help in any significant way.


What this tells me is that you've never experienced good therapy, or you would be able to imagine how it could improve your life and help change your thinking around this issue. Maybe what you need to do is look for testimonials from people who've been where you are and got help and got out of that mindset, maybe that would help you see how you (and other guys in your situation) could benefit from therapy. Maybe that would help you to see how it's possible. Because if there are guys that got sucked into the incel mindset and got out again (and there are, I've talked to some), that means there is hope that you could move on from this fixation on a lack of romantic success that is causing you so much suffering. If they can do it, you can do it too. If hurtloam can learn how to be happy as a single person, so can you. And she's not alone, there are many people who live alone who are happy that way--it usually depends on what kind of support system they have (as in, how good their relationships are with friends and family), and if they manage to fill their lives with other things that have meaning to them.

What this response tells me is you've never experienced anything similar to what I'm going through. I've been to a few different therapists over the years and it would always get to the point where they would not really know how to proceed and ask me what I hoped to gain from having sessions with them, and I would be stumped on how to answer. Mulling that over made me realise that if they can't help me get to a stage where I have a romantic partner, or at least have reason to believe that I can get a romantic partner, then they can't help me in that arena of life. For me, there is no coming to terms with not being able to get a partner. I'm either able to or I don't see the point in living because I'm never going to be living the life I wish to live, with a wife and potentially a family. I'm constantly going to feel inferior to everyone who can get relationships and spouses and sex and all the rest of it, and there is no way around it, that would ruin life for me to the point that I'd rather be put to sleep permanently. Therapists not being able to help me in my pursuit of a girlfriend = therapists not being able to help me in any significant way in that important facet of life that is causing my depression. I only started becoming depressed when it started to become apparent that others around me were able to get into relationships and that aspect of life was out of reach for me, and as long as it remains out of my reach I will continue to be depressed. All it would take is hope that a relationship isn't out of my reach and good reason to believe it to make me feel significantly better, even if I was still single or ended up single again.

I don't hang out on incel forums or agree with the majority of what they espouse, and I felt depressed and had the same outlook I have now long before I'd ever even known of their existence, so you can't pin this on brain washing or anything. It's perfectly natural to be depressed if you can't get a relationship in spite of strong desires to do so, especially over a prolonged period of time. The only fix is to get the relationship (or at least have hope that you can) or eliminate the desire for a relationship, which for me at least is impossible, so I've got to focus on making the first one work, hence why I believe self-improvement and making myself a more desirabe prospective partner is a superior strategy to therapy.

With regards to other connections, I have good relationships with my family and friends, and I don't take them for granted, but they do nothing to mitigate or satisfy the desire for a romantic relationship. I'm never going to have as intimate a relationship with a friend as I would a significant other, or at the very least we're talking different kinds of intimacy. I don't get to hug, kiss or get physically intimate with my friends, nor would I want to obviously, so that leaves things to be desired. There are a lot of things a romantic relationship can provide that no other relationship can provide.

Would you be satisfied being single and sexless for the entire duration of your life? No? Then don't expect others to be.


Well I've been single for many years now, and sexless that entire time. And I like my life. I do struggle with loneliness because I don't have a very good support system and I have a really hard time making new friends and all my old friends from school got married and had kids and drifted out of my life, but I still like my life and myself. I think the difference for me has been that I've gotten really good therapy over the years that has taught me coping skills and how to find meaning in my life even when I am alone. I don't know what else to say.



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16 Jan 2019, 6:30 pm

hurtloam wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
.I've been to a few different therapists over the years and it would always get to the point where they would not really know how to proceed and ask me what I hoped to gain from having sessions with them, and I would be stumped on how to answer. Mulling that over made me realise that if they can't help me get to a stage where I have a romantic partner, or at least have reason to believe that I can get a romantic partner, then they can't help me in that arena of life.


Why didn't you tell then that that's what you wanted? You said you were stumped, but went on to write exactly what you wanted.

Because it was only after I'd finished with therapy that I came to the conclusion I did about that question.



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16 Jan 2019, 7:51 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I agree with Aspie1 on the Freudian therapy technique. I don't see the point of it.

I'm advocating therapy with a purpose. My therapist really wanted me to get better and was really happy when I had made progress and was glad to set me free into the wilderness with my newly built coping skills.

She got me to keep a diary, not so much of wallowing in my feelings, but to recognise what caused such feelings and then find something positive to do to counteract those feelings.

For example, feeling lonely? then arrange to meet up with an acquaintance for a coffee and get to know them better. She taught me that it's ok to open up to people and got me to stop being such a perfectionist.

Feeling down, but no one is available to meet up? Do something that makes you happy instead. Draw a picture, go for a walk, read a book.

I was really impressed with her a polity to draw me out when j had trouble explaining myself. She didn't just repeat things back to me. She conversed with me.

A good therapist will want to help you. If you are not making progress then, yes, ditch them.

What would she done if you had no friends?

Therapist never wanted to help me



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16 Jan 2019, 7:58 pm

hurtloam wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Would you be satisfied being single and sexless for the entire duration of your life? No? Then don't expect others to be.[/color]


I think I might just have to be. I've come to accept it. That's why I'm letting people know its ok to live a single life and that you can still be happy.

I've lived through the angst and the hope (and the crushed hope and despair) and now I'm living with peace and acceptance.

I don't expect you to give up. Just to focus less on romance so that it doesn't destroy your enjoyment of life.


So what happens when I’m 80 with no family and no friends? Who will care for me?
Nah I can’t and won’t ever be Happy alone and it’s best I die before getting too old and face being homeless at 80



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16 Jan 2019, 8:00 pm

Hey Sly. You might be in a totally different situation in ten years or so.

Maybe you'll take a Civil Service test, and get picked up by an agency. Just like I did.



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16 Jan 2019, 10:51 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Hey Sly. You might be in a totally different situation in ten years or so.

Maybe you'll take a Civil Service test, and get picked up by an agency. Just like I did.


I’m in the same situation I was 10 years ago but without hope. I don’t thinm anything will change even if it did it’s too late already so 41 will definitely be too late.

I dont know what civil service test is.



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16 Jan 2019, 11:15 pm

sly279 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I agree with Aspie1 on the Freudian therapy technique. I don't see the point of it.

I'm advocating therapy with a purpose. My therapist really wanted me to get better and was really happy when I had made progress and was glad to set me free into the wilderness with my newly built coping skills.

She got me to keep a diary, not so much of wallowing in my feelings, but to recognise what caused such feelings and then find something positive to do to counteract those feelings.

For example, feeling lonely? then arrange to meet up with an acquaintance for a coffee and get to know them better. She taught me that it's ok to open up to people and got me to stop being such a perfectionist.

Feeling down, but no one is available to meet up? Do something that makes you happy instead. Draw a picture, go for a walk, read a book.

I was really impressed with her a polity to draw me out when j had trouble explaining myself. She didn't just repeat things back to me. She conversed with me.

A good therapist will want to help you. If you are not making progress then, yes, ditch them.

What would she done if you had no friends?

Therapist never wanted to help me


I didn't have many friends. She suggested I go for walks and start by saying hello to people I passed. She also said I should maybe go for a walk and end up at a cafe. "There's usually some old lady in a cafe willing to start a conversation." She was keen on getting me to exercise. I was at college at the time so she suggested making an effort to talk to class mates. I actually made a friend out of that. He's moved to another country, but we keep in touch via WhatsApp.

Actually old folks are good companions. At that time I got to know a retired woman from church. She was fine with me just turning up on her doorstep and we would have a cup of tea and maybe just watch some tv together. I has forgotten about that. She was a life line at that time. I was really depressed.

She asked me to clean her Mom's house once a week and although her mind was going, she was good company too. She would tell me the same stories over and over, but there were a few favourites I had :). I'd clean (i got paid for it) and then we would have a cup of tea.

I recommend offering to tidy an elder neighbours yard.



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16 Jan 2019, 11:25 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Marknis wrote:
My older brother would always tell me to be a "jack ass" if I wanted girls to like me and I wanted to prove him wrong but I never could. Even if he's changed now and doesn't boast to me anymore, I still hate that I couldn't prove him wrong. His choices caused him life altering consequences but I have nothing to show for my 12 years of struggle. This is partly why I don't want to save the world. I want to leave it.

Markins you're not really taking part in the discussion here. You're just telling us little stories about your brother and your experiences and venting Be careful or you'll be seen to be trolling in that you're going off topic. I'm just giving you a friendly word of advice.

Hurtloam here is right. The heat is on. No man is immune from the "troll" accusation. Tone it down until the hysteria blows over.



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17 Jan 2019, 12:29 am

Marknis is not a troll.

But he needs to actively seek to change his situation. This will probably involve not letting the past determine his present.