The Unfortunate Myth of Unconditional Love

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I know. That's why I don't bother dating. I'll only be failed.

Not in my experience.

I'm not saying that my parents were abusers (far from it). It's just that they tended to not be there when I needed it the most. Both my parents tended to have really long working hours (my mother often came home at 11:00 at night multiple nights as a matter of her employment) After I got into 6th grade and the schedule changed (school started earlier), I tended to never see her. Combined with the fact that 6th-8th grades were the 3 years where I was intensely bullied, and it really felt like my mother abandoned me, even if she hadn't. Now, I tend to stay around my church because that's where she works, except that when she's on the job, she ceases to be my mother and it's very hard to find time to talk to her.

This was all stuff that was uncovered in a single 1-hour session of therapy, by the way...

Get used to it. =o(
A life + the myriad emotions that intermingle is so complex that these topics will only get covered over a long period of time. This is part of why it's important to make sure you let your therapist know precisely what needs focusing on.... If you want to try and cover your entire life, then that means you'll have to cover a lot of background as groundwork, first. And that might not be necessary. It can be hard to tell though. Alas.
One needs a lot of patience.

Actually, I think that's great, Toad. A good therapist can really help you discover things....identify patterns and issues that have escaped your conscious attention. Sounds like you may have found a good therapist....stick with it.

Yeah I plan on it. Next appointment is a week from today.

is easily defined- absolutely nothing will change how you feel about that person. I agree that it's usually reserved for the parental/child bond. I know if my partner kept me up all night, yelled at me when he was sick, and I had to endure 14 hours of child delivery to meet him- not a chance LOL.

But not every parent is capable of unconditional love. Some parents really do expect their kids to be what they want them to be- that's really not unconditional love.

I love my husband. I do not have unconditional love for him nor do I expect it back. If he became abusive or untrustworthy, I'd dump his butt. If my son becomes abusive or untrustworthy, I'll see it through because I can't conceive of ever not loving my son. Ever.

from what I understand about religions, even their deity doesn't even have unconditional love for someone - I mean why would there be a hell in the afterlife if there was unconditional love?

just thinking about it, is all.

Merle

that is so true. I don't know why I keep doing it, because it's the most futile entanglement I have ever had in my life. I need to let go so I can move on and find the person I am really supposed to be with. I have learned an awful lot from this experience thought so it hasn't been a total loss. I just want it to go away now, because I think this person enjoys the fact that I feel like I do and probably gets their amusement from knowing I am hooked on them. Sometimes they don't seem like a very nice person at all. I just keep hanging onto it, probably because they remind me of the way my dad has treated me in my life and they remind me of him.

I love my spouse, children, parents, siblings. I never felt unconditional love nor felt I received it from anyone. Maybe I just did not recognize it.

But something no one has mentioned yet, in the fall of my life, I have found one true meaning of unconditional love == my grandchildren
It is hard to explain. I see them and ...... "my heart sores like an eagle" (ok that is corny but it is how i feel). I could wrap them in my arms forever. This does not mean I spoil them, buy them whatever, give them what ever, let them go wild, because I do want them to grow to be reasonable adults. I want to encourage them, praise them, teach them, and let them know I will be there for them as long as I can through whatever trials and tribulations or accomplishment, accolades, adoration's life gives them.
(Yaiya, grandma in greek, now pulls out her wallet and displays the ultimate beauty of five perfect children)

If you're dependent on 'love' then you are weak - the brutal truth. Love is like Santa Claus - you're meant to grow out of it.

The world works on things like money and pleasure; seek these, and be content.

Hmm....*I* don't believe that, even though it happens frequently. I've only been with a couple girls, but I can say that there is still love for each of them, in some form, even though we aren't together anymore. It might not a romantic kind of love, it's becomes more like the love you have for a family member, a member that you know very well. IDK, maybe I'm just a really forgiving person? I don't think so. I think it's more that things were shared that I don't share with just anyone, not even family, resulting in a connection that will always be there. Maybe it isn't the norm, IDK, but I tend to share everything when I connect with someone, and that creates a very deep bond, even if the compatibility didn't work out. Or, maybe I'm just a sap?

@Alana, I send you hugs - I get it, I've been there. You can change it - I promise you. You have to make it a priority, but it can be done. I'm sending you positive vibes to help.

@Sufi - Beautiful....I love your description. That's how I feel about my little girl. She's the light of my life.

@DavidM....well, it's a way to go, I guess. I actually think being open to real love - getting it and giving it - involves an incredible amount of emotional vulnerability, which is scary. So in my opinion, a willingness to love requires quite a bit of courage, and therefore - strength. Just a thought....

@Jawbrodt, I like the way you think. I always wanted to have that kind of connection with a man - where you feel like you're sharing everything. I think earlier in my life I picked the wrong kind of guys (certainly not by accident, I'm certain of that now). Then I stopped picking for a long time. I guess the real progress I've made is being able to let go when I realize it's not working (instead of hanging on and trying everything I can think of to make it work). I wish I could have what you've described though....being able to trust someone enough to have that connection. I've never been in a relationship with a man who didn't use what I'd shared with him to hurt me. What can I say.....I want to believe. Guess we'll be saps together.

LOL, Thanks, sap.

That bolded part is sad, and seems to be very common, which is even sadder.(yeah, I know that's not a word.lol) I'm not sure what I was getting at, I guess it just amazes me that it's so common. In my case, I used to have a terrible time with divulging personal stuff, but I eventually got to a point where i got sick of it, and didn't give a s**t anymore. After dealing with years of loss, I finally realized there was nothing left to lose, and it was very 'free-ing', so to speak. It's also sort of empowering.

Hmm...that wasn't much help, was it? I guess what i was saying, is that everybody should strive to be able to 'let go', because it is life-changing, for the better. It's not easy, I know, but definitely worth the effort.

@Jawbrodt, it's very interesting that you used the word empowering to describe the emotional impact of "letting go" (which I'm interpreting as letting down your guard and allowing yourself to be emotionally connected to another person). There are so many relationships that come down to emotional power struggles....who's going to "win," who's going to have the upper hand, or have the relationship on their terms. I always go into a relationship thinking it's about love, and without fail, it winds up being about power. And when it's about power, there's no trust. No trust = no intimacy, no connection. I am a sap though, cause every time I find myself honestly believing I could have that connection with a man - someone who could be a real friend, and love me too. I don't know if he's out there, but I know I'm going to keep hoping he is - maybe it's just a habit at this point?

You're interpretation of "letting go", is what it all boils down too, when you put it that way. I don't hand everything out foolishly though, it's more of a 'give and take' where I usually lead. That's because alot of girls have been through the crap that you're describing, have become unable to trust guys, and have resorted to 'protecting' themselves against manipulation. Anyway...it takes someone to make the first move, divulging something really personal, letting the other know that they are trusted, and then hope for trust in return. It won't take long to be able to determine if the person is trustworthy/trusting, or is trying to learn(it's tough), and then start making decisions.(to stay or not)


It's certainly not foolish to wish for that, you shouldn't accept anything less. Not sappy at all.

I would argue that I feel unconditional love very often - and that it is actually problematic.

My emotions for people tend to be static over time. I have been through relationships with friends and, once, a lover where they have done terrible terrible things to me and I simply cannot stop loving them. This makes what they have done even more painful. For this reason as a young teenager I was in an extremely abusive relationship for a while. And yet I still have love feelings for that person - not romantic ones at all, but a form of residual love nonetheless.

I do believe unconditional love can exist between partners, but it's unusual, and if it's for the wrong person or from the wrong person it can lead to terrible situations. Fortunately I am happily married now, to a person I believe will not take advantage of this trait.