best way to deal with relationship problem

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yes I have read that book, i would say our biggest probelm was me slipping into being parentish and him being a child. And yes well remembered, I have a degree in psychology and am halfway through a masters degree in psychological research methods.

I find the biggest problem with books is that the advice is relatively easy to carry out under regular circumstance but when things are stressful as they get in regular life, its much harder to do what does not come naturally. Especially when you put aspergers into the mix and have problems with dual processing/multitasking, ridigity and lack of empathy and theory of mind.

I recently read anxiety and aspergers by nick dubin and it was very helpful as had actual situations whcih related to aspergers where as most books do not take the asperger difficulties into account. Though I found all the susan jeffers books very helpful and really helped my attitude after I split up from my ex 9 years ago (esp lasting love and opening our hearts to men).

my bf despite haveing aspergers is not sympathetic to my asperger ways and insists that I dont need to be so lacking in empathy, theory of mind, ridgid etc. But he wont even accept that he is not ok with the aspergers and insists the things which bug him are not caused by aspergers and I could change them.

as you can see Im in a grumpy mood today and not feeling positive about it at all.

I think its a problem a lot of strong women face, men are attracted by ones strength of character and liveliness and then spend all the relationship trying to make one a shy retiring violet. I think why go out with someone who you can see is loud and stroppy if you dont like that sort of thing. Im sick of men going out with me because they fancy me but they do not like me in the least!

You are wondering why this keeps happening, and why men keep on expecting you to be different. The reason is you/they are not ending the relationship when they/you are not compatible. So that means it can only go one way. All potential relationships are also potential failures. I do think you are more attached to the idea of the relationship than you care to admit.

Strength of character is fine, he may just be too ashamed of himself to be able to able to handle it. However I think you could be stronger when it comes to sticking up for yourself. You cave in way too easily. I can see you are trying to put a brave face on things but practically you aren't doing yourself any favours.

The mother son relationship says it all. He is acting like a teenage brat. That is not healthy. You mentioned that he strict religious parents, maybe he is something to do with that.

yes he always says he cant stand me being stressed as his parents are very strict and difficult and has a lot of probelms with his parents, he resents his mum bullying him and his dad being weak.

He does act like a teenage brat. I do cave in too easily. I do have diffculty copeing with not being compatable and being able to end relationships once they started, Im not good with change and transitions.

He is coming over in a few hours and I will discuss it more with him and get back my door key and give him his stuff as then if we decide to split up I dont need to risk getting back when he collects his things which is always a vulnerable time, I can just block him.

Its hard as with cigerettes or other addictive things, they do not phone and say sorry or beg, its hard being hard on oneself and hard on the person you love too, it takes a lot of will power and self control.

This is a very good idea!

Well, not to get too deep into the psychological foundation of your relationship, but it strikes me that he may be re-enacting the dynamics of his parents' marriage in his relationship with you. You're the "bullying" mom (you're loud, "stroppy," not gentle, etc.) and he's his dad. When he says things are "ok" in the heat of the moment, he's behaving like his "weak" father - only he's determined not to be weak like his father....hence the angry texts. Just a thought.

At any rate, I suggest reading "Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them," by Robin Norwood. I think it may provide a different perspective on your relationship.

weve split up for good now and Ive got my key back.

Seeing as I've met both of you in person a few times. Well Mutate/Tom more so then yourself Lotusblossom. I'm somewhat in an awkward predicament in what to say that may cause offense to either party. PRobably whats been said by the strangers off the internet will be more beneficial then my two pence on the subject.

From my perspective I don't know with the way your relationship works whether you two are people that enjoy the emotional rollercoaster ride of such conflict cycles that go around in circles until the relationship burns out? I just don't know how you guys are able to function as human beings with this up and down up and down emotions all the time. It reminds me of the relationship I had with someone who had bi polar depression and having to deal with the way this depression impacted on her behaviour. The condition was beginning to impact on me, I just don't know how such instability can be healthy in a relationship unless both parties enjoy the emotional rush of the experiance.

no its ended now Laz, he crossed boundaries today which I have as set rules for myself and I will not go back on it.

The relationship has been very stressful and not good for my mental health or self esteem and Im sure the relationship was equally damaging for Tom.

its good that things came to a head today as it means its at an end now and we can both move on rather than it dragging on with us both getting more bitter and frustrated.

he is still sending me nasty texts. I dont understand it, surely if he hates me so much and finds me so crap he should be happy that were finished and glad/releived. I dont understand why he would want to still nag/b***h at me, he does not have to put up with me any more so why does he care if Im so inadequate and lacking.

Its makeing me very stressed and upset, and I am upset anyway about breaking up as it hurts so much, like haveing my heart cut out, I feel so queezy and full of pain. It makes it so much harder with him being horrible as well.

I dont know how to cope with the feelings and what to do with them I just feel so distressed. Ive got an exam in a weeks time and I must study but I feel so agitated and distressed and cant concentrate.

Hi LB, Time to ask him if he's ever tried picking his teeth up with broken fingers ?

Or "Please leave me alone, as a punch in the gog sometimes offends"

thanks Chippie, but I dont want to hurt him or say mean things to him, all I ever wanted was for him to just be nice to me and like me, I cant have that, but it just makes me sad, not want revenge.

Block his number and report him to the police for harrassment.

LB, please do not give this piece of s**t another chance!

no I will never give him another chance.

It makes me so stressed and sad and I have an exam next week, I dont know how I will pass.

The breakup of a long term relationship thats has impacted on your mental health and well being would surely be a legitimate reason for some kind of delay, extension or reasonable consideration for your assessors to take into account?

I dont know what the OU rules are, they are quite strict.

I will try and pull myself together, he says he will stop texting now so hopefully that will help.

at least my kids are away this week so i can get lots of revision done if I sort out my head and can concentrate. I will try to stop myself going on forums tomorrow as i waste too much time.

how are you bareing up Laz after your break up? How did you cope with your feelings?